Rambling Rhodes

Filling in for Caroline. . . it's Autumn!

Ryan says: I hate wearing dress shoes.

Ryan says: I want my Merrell boots!

Autumn says: lol

Autumn says: i wear flip-flops, almost everyday

Ryan says: They allow that at your job?

Autumn says: well, they look nice

Autumn says: their not wal-mart brand

Ryan says: So, they're not the cheap flip flops.

Ryan says: That blow out on pop tops.

Autumn says: yeah-just from payless or something like that

Ryan says: Searching for your lost shaker of salt.

Autumn says: no-i know right where that is

Ryan says: Some people say that a woman's to blame.

Ryan says: But I know, it's my own damn fault.

Autumn says: no, it's always the women!

Ryan says: Lousy women. . .

Autumn says: i know!

Ryan says: With your breasts and things. . .

Autumn says: thank, God I like cock!

Ryan says: Just when I don't expect it, Autumn proclaims her love of cock.

Autumn says: lol

Autumn says: I have two really good friends that are lezbos

Autumn says: we went to supper last night, and they told me they're devising (sp?) a plan to convert me

Autumn says: I'm just saying

Autumn says: I've had to tell them that before too!

Ryan says: That had better entail a lot of booze.

Autumn says: i really don't think there's enough in this world

Ryan says: And me with a camcorder.

Autumn says: LOL!

Autumn says: HA!

Ryan says: So, are they butch lezbos, or the hawt kind?

Autumn says: no-normal i guess

Autumn says: ok-that doesn't make sense

Ryan says: Normal for lesbians?

Autumn says: yeah

Autumn says: they're athletic

Ryan says: "Normal for Lesbians" would be a great name for a rock band.

Autumn says: lol!

Autumn says: yes it would

I’m Willing to Rat Out a Co-Worker

One of the liberating things about being in a new job, in a different business, is that I’m free to write about all the unusual anecdotes I built up during six years working in my previous job.

In my previous job, my primary responsibilities included writing and editing content for magazines catering to the information technology (IT) space, which you wouldn’t think would lend itself to unusual anecdotes. However, in the IT space, it’s the PEOPLE you encounter who really make for memorable anecdotes.

Take, for example, one of my co-workers who shared an office with me for about two years who, for the purposes of this anecdote, I’ll refer to as “Angela.” Angela was brought on as a managing editor for one of the magazines we produced, and while I had no real specific dislike for Angela, she did come equipped with the standard arsenal of annoyances you come to expect of office mates.

Among the annoyances I came to expect from Angela—in addition to regular nose blowing that sounded as if she was serenading whales—was her daily lunch ritual of “popping” baby carrots. OK, she didn’t actually “pop” baby carrots, but she had this process by which she’d bite a carrot in two in the loudest possible way imaginable, so it sounded like the carrots were essentially “popping.” There’s no real way I can convey how annoying this was for me in mere written words; suffice it to say, I believe there’s a circle of hell dedicated to carrot poppers, so consider yourselves warned, oh ye carrot poppers of the world.

Petty annoyances aside, Angela was by all accounts a generally decent person, although she was fairly weird in many respects, not the least of which was her near-religious devotion to animals. And I’m not just talking about dogs and cats here, although she certainly had those; Angela loved, and kept, all manner of animals, including hamsters, snakes, birds, and a whole slew of other exotic creatures Noah probably even forgot to include in his ark.

Well, one day, towards the end of Angela’s stint as a managing editor, another co-worker dropped by our office. I’ll refer to her as “Caroline,” because her name is “Caroline,” and she knew I’d simply have to write about this some day. Well, Caroline dropped by the office to discuss something with Angela and, since I wasn’t part of the conversation, I drifted off into my own little world, thinking about things I enjoyed thinking about, such as Salma Hayek.

Eventually, I drifted back to the real world, and I realized Caroline was trying to urgently tell me something under her breath, so I decided to listen to what she had to say.

“Dude, there’s a rat in your office!” Caroline hissed.

I did my best to digest this statement, but since it didn’t make any sense, my mind decided to conclude that Caroline was in some way referring to Angela, so I simply nodded and smiled and said “I know,” which earned me a surprised and somewhat horrified look from Caroline, who said, “But. . . there’s a rat. . . in your office,” to which I once again simply nodded and said “I know,” even though I had no idea what Caroline was talking about. With a defeated look, Caroline just shook her head and left the office.

I spent a few minutes after that, responding to e-mail, researching an article, thinking some more about Salma Hayek, and basically attending to my work day as usual.

And then I realized I heard something rustling over my left shoulder.

I turned slowly in my chair, kind of like in a movie when the main character realizes the bad guy, or a ghost, is standing right behind him, and in my head echoed Caroline’s last warning to me: “But. . . there’s a rat. . . in your office.”

There, indeed, on Angela’s desk, in an open air box filled with strips of newspaper and a little dish of water, was a huge freaking white rat with pinkish-ringed eyes, its front claws perched on the side of its box, its nose testing the air, no doubt assessing whether I was friend or foe.

I turned back to my computer and just kind of sat there for awhile, considering my next move. On the one hand, I wasn’t particularly worried about the rat, since it seemed more curious than threatening but, on the other hand, THERE WAS A FREAKING RAT IN MY OFFICE. Once you realize there’s a rat in your office, provided you’re not a veterinarian, there’s no way in Hades you can concentrate on actual work.

I pulled up an instant messaging box on my computer, via which I wrote to Caroline:

“Hey, there’s a rat in my office!”

To which Caroline responded, “I know! I tried to tell you!”

It turned out, Angela brought the rat to work that day because “it wasn’t feeling well.” Leaving aside my general incredulity regarding Angela’s rat diagnostic skills, the situation had nonetheless deteriorated from “there’s a rat in my office” to “there’s a possibly SICK RAT in my office.” Not to put too fine a point on it, but I’m pretty sure that’s how the “Black Plague” got off the ground.

Some frantic e-mailing to my supervisors ensued, in which I detailed the situation, and it was eventually delicately explained to Angela that bringing a rat into work very likely violated company policy. Although I never actually saw that exact clause for myself, I had no problem believing it at the time, and Angela was instructed to take her rat back home.

She still popped her carrots though; there was no policy against that, unfortunately.

Rocket in my. . . Pocket?

Every once in awhile, the Dirty Mushroom makes an unexpected comeback in an unexpected PhotoShop. This time, Seed delivers.

Introducing, Bill Boyne. Local Moron.

Bill Boyne is the Rochester Post-Bulletin's Nick Coleman doppleganger. At the advice of a commenter here awhile back, I started following Boyne's cerebral incontinence in my ongoing quest to annoy myself into non-existence through the moronic scribblings of local journalistic scribes. Boyne fits the bill perfectly.

Take this bit of buffoonery, for example:

The disaster that struck the small town of Postville, Iowa, recently was a dramatic demonstration of what is wrong with U.S. immigration policy.

Got that? A disaster. Flooding, perhaps? A fire? What constitutes a disaster, in this case, pray tell?

Federal agents targeted Agriprocessors, a firm that produces kosher meat, and arrested 400 of the plant's 900 workers -- mostly Mexican and Guatemalan immigrants.

Key point: they were Mexican and Guatemalan ILLEGAL immigrants. Funny how the truth-tellers in the journalistic ranks keep gleaning over that inconvenient canard.

Three hundred were charged with identity theft and using stolen Social Security cards.

Okay, so, they were ILLEGAL immigrants, AND they were dabbling in identity theft. Who do you think Boyne sides with?

The raid was a damaging blow to the city's economy. Agriprocessors was the largest employer in the town of about 1,700 people and it could not continue to operate.

Wait for it. . .

The raid also dealt a terrible blow to the immigrants, who expect to be deported -- along with their children, many of whom were born in Postville and are U.S. citizens.

A terrible blow. . . to ILLEGAL immigrants, who were also IDENTITY THIEVES. Argh! Oh, and their children, American born as they were, can claim American citizenship for life and can come back legally when they're old enough, I believe, so Boyne can go eat a weiner.

The company's operations were disrupted while Agriprocessors sought to recruit white and African American workers from outside the area.

White and African American workers? Why not just say LEGAL workers, for crying out loud?

Agriprocessors, operated by the Rubashkin family, moved to Postville in 1987 from New York to be closer to a source of livestock.

The Rev. Paul Ouderkirk, a priest at St. Bridget's Catholic Church in Postville, has been assisting the families of the fired workers, who were left without a source of income. Among other things, the church sponsors luncheons for the workers and their children.

Oh, the DISASTER of it all! Those ILLEGAL, IDENTITY THIEVES were left without a source of income! Gosh, if there were only some sort of legal process in place for becoming a U.S. citizen. Wouldn't that be great? Wait, what if foreigners maybe had some legal way to work in the U.S. without lifting the social security information from David Gruber from down the street? Can you imagine such a thing?

The raid was one of a series conducted by federal agents that have disrupted a number of American cities. The raids have shut down companies that had hired immigrants because they were unable to hire workers locally.

Really? And yet here those companies are, out looking for local workers to fill the depleted ranks regardless. Gosh, it's almost as if they specifically hired illegal immigrants for some other reason. I wonder what that could possibly be. Hmmm.

That is a national problem because the American work force is declining as baby boomers retire and there are fewer workers in the succeeding generation.

Because Bill Boyne says so, IT MUST BE TRUE.

It is hard to believe that federal agents are continuing to conduct such raids, because they all have the same effect -- they make it hard for businesses to keep operating, they cause serious damage to the economies of the communities affected, and they disrupt the lives of thousands of workers.

Yeah, it's just so hard to believe such raids are conducted. We should just let ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS drive up healthcare costs and suck on the endless teat of the American handout, because GOD KNOWS that could never seriously damage the economy.

The raids are the result of agitation by right-wing conservatives who believe that they are an effective way of halting illegal immigration. They are wrong.

They are wrong! End of story! They've been BOYNED! I just love how the raids are the result of agitated right-wing conservatives. Some people might possibly, maybe make the argument that the raids were the result of THE FUCKING LAW.

The American work force is shrinking and immigrants are needed to keep the economy running. This trend is caused by the aging of the labor force.

BOYNE!

Fine. They can hire all the immigrants they like, so long as they aren't ILLEGAL immigrants. . . like Zutroy here, who is American as apple pie.

Baby boomers are retiring and there are not enough younger workers coming into the work force to replace them.

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

That's why the Rochester Chamber of Commerce, along with dozens of other communities, has established the Work Force 2020 program. Its goal is to help businesses find ways to provide enough workers between now and 2020, when the last of the baby boomers are expected to retire.

Great! Yahoo! RAH RAH ROCHESTER! Anyone want to hazard a guess as to whether the Work Force 2020 program offers amnesty to ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS, because I'm betting NOT, which makes Boyne's next segue about as nonsensical and stupid as. . . a Nick Coleman segue.

The federal government should also be addressing that issue instead of conducting a pointless program of arresting and deporting immigrants.

They're ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS, you fucking moron!

There is another more rational and infinitely more effective way of dealing with illegal immigrants. The first is to recognize that there are 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. Arresting and deporting all of them would be terribly destructive for all concerned.

There's no easy solution. Granted.

What is needed is a humane and workable program to allow these immigrants to become citizens.

Gosh darn it. There it is again. The need for a workable program that allows people to become U.S. citizens. You'd think we'd have something like this in place already, what with our reputation as a melting pot and all that. I'm imagining some process wherein immigrants learn a little bit about American history and civics, capped off with the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance. I know, that's just crazy thinking.

In the first place, they are not hardened criminals. They are impoverished individuals from Mexico and Guatemala and elsewhere who could not find jobs in their own countries and came to the U.S. to find a way to support their families.

Soooo, they jumped the border and became identity thieves. Good plan.

They should be allowed to qualify for citizenship in a given period of time if they learn English, pay taxes and meet other reasonable standards.

Can you believe this guy? Dude, such a thing already exists. It's not new. It's a pretty well-established system. These ILLEGAL immigrants probably know perfectly well that such a system exists, too, yet they opt for stolen social security identities and hope they don't get caught.

After all, the United States is a nation of immigrants and their descendants -- many of whom were not treated well when they first arrived.

Not treated well? Newsflash: Life ain't fair.

Congress needs to address the problem because the current policy is destructive for all concerned.

Yeah, the current policy wherein ILLEGAL immigrants piss on the idea of going the legal route when it comes to working/living here. One wonders if Bill Boyne has any ideas of his own as to how to "fix" the problem, or if he, like Nick Coleman, is more content to whine aimlessly about it.

It is hoped the next election will result in new leadership that can deal with this grievous problem in a humane and effective way.

In other words, yes, Boyne IS more content with whining aimlessly than actually thinking and offering solutions.

Of course, when a solution actually ALREADY EXISTS, I suppose that's hard to do.

UPDATE: My most esteemed ThunderJournaling colleague, and fellow flatulence afficionado, LearnedFoot, offers up some additional insight regarding this "disaster" of a raid:

"The raids are the result of agitation by right-wing conservatives."

This is complete and utter bullshit.

The point of the raid was because there was a phony document / identity theft ring being operated out of that plant (by some employees without the knowlege of management or ownership). Of course where you find a forged document ring, your also going to find lots and lots of illegals who are using them (also against the law).

If you don't think that this sort of enforcement action should be taken, then you really can't be for throwing the book at college kids who use fake IDs to buy beer or the people who make thoose IDs either.

And how do I know this?

(Ask me. Oh please please ask me!)

OK I'll tell you how I know this.

My neighbor is an ICE agent who participated in that raid. He was in Iowa for over 2 weeks, coming home only on weekends. Afterwards he told me all this.

Meaning:

Number of sources cited by LearnedFoot: 1

Number of sources cited by "journalist": 0

Suck my dick assnozzle.

Random Wednesday LOL!

Via Fark, of course

Little Known Fact

Gymnastics rings are the bane of my existence. I hate them. I hate them SO MUCH. They're the most impossible creations ever conceived by the mind of man, and they were conceived specifically with me in mind, and how I would never be able figure them out. I've never felt as helpless as when I'm confronted by gymnastics rings. When I cried as a baby, it was because I was thinking of gymnastics rings. The reason Dante referred to the nine circles of hell was because he, too, absolutely despised gymnastics rings.

Gymnastics rings, man. Seriously. . . WTF?

Must Be A Monday

Caroline says: Get a load of this family: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/07/07/dnt.family.off.plane.kiro

Ryan says: Okay, so I tried to copy and paste your link into a browser, right?

Caroline says: ok

Ryan says: Only, I copied your entire comment. . .

Caroline says: how'd that work for you

Ryan says: So I get back "Internet Explorer was unable to Get a load of this family."

Caroline says: LOLO

Ryan says: Explorer's loss, in my opinion.

Caroline says: That's seriously cracking my shit up right now for some reason.

Ryan says: ME TOO!