May 19, 2008

Humorless Douche

UPDATE: Alternative title to this post could be: "Why Newspapers Are Circling The Drain."

IMAGE UPDATE: I figured I'd pepper this post with the kind of appropriate imagery that no doubt inhabits the mind of David Hanners.


I recieved a phone call this morning.

From David Hanners, Pulitzer Prize Winning Journalist!

I shit you not.

Mr. Hanners, apparently, took affront to having his name associated with the parody I created last week in response to the petition calling for the firing of Katherine Kersten.

No, seriously, I shit you not. David Hanners called me this morning. About this. I find it hilarious and somewhat unbelievable, too. But, I assure you, he called me.

Notwithstanding the fact the parody petition was titled, in parody fashion after the original anti-Kersten petition, "Star-Tribune: For Irresponsible Numb-Nuttery, fire Nick Coleman," and notwithstanding the fact one of the "signers" was "Abe Lincoln"--who, I feel I should add, apparently got the joke and didn't call me this morning--David Hanners still felt compelled to give me a jingle this fine day to complain that his name was used as one of the commenters.

I know. I know. It's genuinely hard to believe. But it happened. Honest to freakin' God.

I tried to explain to Mr. Hanners that the petition and the "signatures" were an act of parody, of satire, an attempt to show how ridiculous the petition site was in general because ANYBODY could create a petition and then go and sign it as many times as they wanted under ANYBODY'S name, over and over and over again.

I tried to explain this to Mr. Hanners (who honestly called me this morning), but he was steadfast in resolve that I had wronged him for using his name in parody.

So, I called him a humorless douche.

Now, understand, I don't typically call somebody a humorless douche unless I've given up a conversation as lost because the person on the other end clearly doesn't "get it." I can assure you, however, after about ten minutes of speaking with Mr. Hanners, not only didn't he "get it," he was nowhere within the solar system of "getting it," so I called him a "humorless douche." He didn't know why I had to resort to name calling. I didn't have the patience to explain why I had to resort to name calling. But, believe me, it was warranted. Plus, it made my future wife snort with laughter while brushing her teeth.

But, I told Mr. Hanners I'd meet him halfway. I told him I'd take down his parody "comment" on my petition. My petition that had. . . 30 signatures. My parody petition and parody "signers" that was so clearly parody even Abe Lincoln is in his grave right now, saying "That parody was four score and seven degrees of awesome parody."


However, I'm not going to bow completely to the whims of the humorless douches of the world. I'm going to post the parody petition here, along with ALL the parody "signers," including my completely obvious "David Hanners" parody signature, because I want the online world to know, for as long as this ThunderJournal exists, that there are, indeed, completely humorless douches crawling across this planet. . . and some of them, unbelievably enough, have even won a Pulitzer.

As extra-special goodness, I see Mr. Hanners has added comment #31 to really round out the doucheness of it all. I deleted it, of course, on the petition site, but it shall remain here, for all eternity. Ladies and gentlemen, David Hanners, a person who clearly doesn't understand parody, humor, or the Internet in general.

ANOTHER UPDATE: There's a part of me that feels compelled to write 20 "David Hanners" comments in a row, but I'm too good for that.

Star-Tribune: For Irresponsible Numb-Nuttery, fire Nick Coleman

Target:Nick Coleman

Sponsored by: Ryan Rhodes, Rhodes Media Services

Nick Coleman, columnist for the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, has made a habit of writing meandering, pointless, poorly penned, logically fallible, half-assedly Google-researched twaddle in Minnesota. But in his recent smear of Minnesota's sesquicentennial, Coleman went further and committed journalistic Numb-Nuttery. There is no place for him in a newspaper that claims to be a newspaper.

Coleman alleged that the 150th anniversary of Minnesota statehood has been an unmitigated flop. His evidence: the word of "a retired Scott County sheriff's deputy who serves as recruiting sergeant for a group of reenactors who portray Battery I of the First U.S. Artillery." Coleman failed to mention that his writing causes birds to fall from the sky due to the sheer wincing stench of his nonsensical "columns." More irresponsibly, Coleman used a tenuous and far-fetched connection to reality to suggest "Col. William Colvill, the hero of Gettysburg who was going to carry the flag into the Capitol when it opened in 1905 but died the night before and became the first person to lie in state in the rotunda," is somehow spinning in his grave. What proof did Coleman offer up in support of this corpse rotation claim? None!

# 31: 7:18 am PDT, May 19, David Hanners, Minnesota Delete
I would like to note that, as of this writing, signature #4 falsely appears under my name, and I DID NOT sign this petition. When I asked the person who started the petition about it, he told me that he signed my name as "parody" and "satire." There is nothing to indicate that. Signing someone else's name to a petition is a serious matter and is akin to identity theft. It is wrong. It is fraudulent. I have asked him to remove it, and I have also asked to remove it.

# 30: 7:39 pm PDT, May 16, Chad Quigley, Minnesota

# 29: 6:30 pm PDT, May 16, Mikhail Gorbachev, Russian Federation
I like the wizard of oz.

# 28: 3:53 pm PDT, May 16, Norm Colman, Minnesota
I cannot abide someone possessing the same surname as I, exhibiting the degree of douchebaggery in print as the foul Nicholas COLEMAN. May he rot in damnation for all eternity.

# 27: 3:20 pm PDT, May 16, Nancy LaRoche, Minnesota
Nick Coleman: he belongs on the Soros-funded MN Monitor, not the Star-Tribune.

# 26: 11:46 am PDT, May 16, Name Witheld, Minnesota
A troglodyte would be a better columnist, and would probably use a more flattering photo to accompany their drivel. Coleman has called himself a "journalist." He's as much a journalist as he is a conservative. His writing is atrocious and his content is irrelevant. As the Strib is having severe financial issues, one hopes that the next round of downsizing will allow Coleman to pursue a career in the food service or travel industries, which would obviously be a much better occcupational match for his charm and abilities.

# 25: 11:37 am PDT, May 16, Duke Powell, Minnesota

# 24: 11:29 am PDT, May 16, Kameel Ahmed, Minnesota
Free speech is a priviledge & needs to be excercised with responsibility. I am afraid that Mr. Coleman has chosen otherwise. His incendiary & inaccurate writings are full of false innuendos. They have caused much angst & pain to a whole community. They go against the very values this country was built upon. Mutual respect & responsible citizenship.

# 23: 10:45 am PDT, May 16, Jeff Urbanek, Minnesota
Coleman has a reckless regard for facts, and is bent on creating a mean-spirited, repressed, joyless world where all march in the same lockstep, those with different ideologies, faiths, politics, ambitions, or lifestyle choices are not allowed in his world view. He would have us all sing out of the same hymnal, do the same activities, parrot the same tired worn out lines. I would advocate for his ability to freely express himself, but he does so in a way that has a reckless disregard for the truth. Anything outside of that world view of his simply does not exist. Are we going to be a country that is inclusive and helps one another, or one that is constantly suspicious of one another and is critical of how everyone else does things? Funny on how he feels free to be a critic of pretty much everything but can not take that scrutiny himself.

# 22: 9:58 am PDT, May 16, Name not displayed, Minnesota
Coleman is the reason I cancelled my subscription

# 21: 9:57 am PDT, May 16, Darrel Pinkston, Minnesota
The worst columnist of a major daily in America.

# 20: 8:02 am PDT, May 16, Melissa Theisen, Minnesota

# 19: 7:59 am PDT, May 16, Greg Lang, Minnesota
Don't forget that when Nickboy got his first job at the Strib his stepmother worked there and his father had long been one of the most powerful democrats in the MN legisslature (including the time when the I35W bridge was approved and built). When the Strib hired Nickboy his brother was a St. Paul City Council member soon to be the current St. Paul mayor. When Nickboy "dumped the Pioneer Press the presspatch hired is soon to be wife Laura Billings as his replacement.

# 18: 7:40 am PDT, May 16, Name not displayed, United States Minor Outlying Islands

# 17: 6:38 am PDT, May 16, Bill Hedrick, Minnesota
In a time when the Strib is hard up for readers the best thing it can do is to keep the best and fire the rest, Coleman is not the best.

# 16: 6:06 am PDT, May 16, Name not displayed, Minnesota
Calling Nikolai Colmanov a numb-nuts is an insult to Numb-nuts everywhere...that being said, he's gotta go.

# 15: 5:45 am PDT, May 16, Shawn Randall, Minnesota
Coleman was a clueless drone with poor writing skills when he was at the Pioneer Press. What is it about the Star Trib hiring away folks from PiPress anyway.

# 14: 5:09 am PDT, May 16, Gary Lieske, Minnesota
He is bad as a colunist and worse on channel 9 news. Please remove him.

# 13: 2:01 am PDT, May 16, Thomas Pirovano, Switzerland

# 12: 8:52 pm PDT, May 15, Name not displayed, New York

# 11: 8:31 pm PDT, May 15, Adam Izer, Minnesota
Nick Coleman's lies make baby Jesus cry.

# 10: 8:09 pm PDT, May 15, Randy Kruckeberg, Minnesota
comrade coleman should be sent to a re-education camp!

# 7: 7:51 pm PDT, May 15, Samina Ali, Minnesota
I am disappointed to see that the Star Tribune can afford to keep someone as unprofessional as Mr. Nick Coleman on their staff. He has consistently used her paid position to promote a personal agenda, which has resulted in the spread of hatred and hysteria over various pet peeves. The Star Tribune should instead celebrate the diversity that makes up Minnesota.

# 6: 3:01 pm PDT, May 15, Abe Lincoln, Washington D.C.
As a former President of the United States who was assassinated by getting shot in the head, I can honestly and truthfully tell you, reading a Nick Coleman column is far more painful than having a lead ball crash through your cranium. While I stand behind the freedom of speech and of the press, in this case, should Nick Coleman be fired, it would be a victory for another valuable freedom: Freedom from Numb-Nuttery.

# 5: 2:58 pm PDT, May 15, C Whitehair, Minnesota
Nick Coleman has been an embarrassment to Minnesota for years. It is past time for him to be retired.

# 4: 2:45 pm PDT, May 15, David Hanners, Minnesota
As a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, I have to say, Nick Coleman writes like a toddler after sniffing a hardwood floor cleaning chemical. The man strings together sentences that make sense only to a select few people suffering from a combination of explosive diarrhea and paranoid schizophrenia. Coleman's not so much a journalist as he is a hemorrhoid that has inexplicably developed the ability to type.


# 3: 2:28 pm PDT, May 15, Mitch Berg, Minnesota
Please, please - expel this piece of journalistic snot!

# 2: 2:04 pm PDT, May 15, Eva Young, Minnesota
I liker Nick Colemans, but num-nuttery is an unforgivalbe affense. Raed my blog.

# 1: 1:52 pm PDT, May 15, Kevin Ecker, Minnesota
Coleman sucks

Posted by Ryan at May 19, 2008 09:15 AM | TrackBack

This episode is so filled with win that I am at a loss for words.

Posted by: LearnedFoot at May 19, 2008 09:26 AM

OK, I've found my words now, and they are these:

New online petition calling for the Pulitzer committee to strip Hanners of his prize because of his humorless doucebaggery.

Posted by: LearnedFoot at May 19, 2008 09:29 AM

Yeah, good one. Spelling it "doucebaggery" really ups the yuk-factor. Not to mention the perception that Learned Foot is a witless mouth-breather.

ThunderJournal Edit:

This comment brought to you by: Internet Tough Guy.

Posted by: Smart. at May 19, 2008 11:04 AM

Holy freakin' wow. Awesomeness overload. I missed the initial petition post, but thank God you put it up here because this is hilarious.

Posted by: Rick at May 19, 2008 11:07 AM

And Ryan isn't worth a hill of beans as a person. Clearly.

Posted by: LearnedFoot at May 19, 2008 11:08 AM

Say, Ryan? Is it possible for you to replace "Smart's" comment with that Internet Tough Guy graphic? It wouldn't lose anything in the translation.

Posted by: LearnedFoot at May 19, 2008 11:10 AM

Whoa, Rick, thanks for the Stumbleupon link. Makes my traffic do fun and crazy things!

Posted by: Ryan at May 19, 2008 12:16 PM

Oh my goodness. I have read very little that is as retarded as:

"akin to identity theft"

when referring to on online petition.

*uses tricorder*
"I am detecting a 'bag of hammers' level of stupidity here, captain."

Posted by: Troy at May 19, 2008 03:56 PM

One thing I love about this ThunderJournal is that the staff is very responsive to reader requests.

Posted by: LearnedFoot at May 19, 2008 07:19 PM

I figured it was funny as shit and since I enjoyed it, other similar stumblers would too.

Posted by: Rick at May 20, 2008 09:41 AM

Stop That, all of you! It's not funny!

Posted by: David Hanners at May 23, 2008 10:16 AM
StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!