May 21, 2008

When Animals Are the Enemy

There's a lot of talk these days about animal rights. It seems like every day, while I'm trying to eat my double sealburger and dolphin fries, a spam e-mail will appear on my computer screen from some animal rights group telling me cats are people, too.

The fact of the matter is, however, animals are, and always have been, waging war against us. Oh, sure, it SEEMS like an accident when you hit a deer with your car, but what you don't realize is those car-seeking deer are the animal world equivalent of suicide bombers. Deer vs. automobile incidents may seem random, but I assure you, they're part of a very clever, ongoing, coordinated attack. What's more, the deer are now brazenly targeting children? You want proof? Fine!

According to a May 21, Associated Press (AP) report out of Quakertown, Pa., "a disoriented deer smashed his way into a suburban hair salon, and a customer wrestled with the animal to keep it from ramming into his 11-year-old son or other youngsters."

Yeah, right, the deer was "disoriented." Uh, huh. Leave it to the AP to give terrorist deer--or, deerrorists--the benefit of the doubt. The facts of the matter, I think, are abundantly clear: this deerrorist knew full well what it was doing, and it was only foiled in its plot to trample and impale children by the actions of a heroic customer, Randy Goepfert.

"Three hairdressers and several parents and children were in the Holiday Hair salon at a strip mall in this Philadelphia suburb when the white-tail buck crashed through the glass door. Goepfert was paying for his son Tyler's haircut."

Obviously, the deer chose that exact moment to spring its dastardly attack, figuring Goepfert would be adequately distracted while paying, so the deer would have the precious moments it needed to administer a quality child trampling.

"The deer 'was charging right at my son, so I decked him,' Goepfert said. He grabbed the buck by the neck and slammed it to the floor, then climbed on top and began choking it, hoping to keep the animal at bay until authorities arrived."

Mr. President, give this man a medal!

This story has everything: an evil deerrorist, intent on maiming children, in a locale so genuinely American. . . and maybe a little French. . . as a salon; it has a deerrorist punching, slamming and choking red-blooded American standing in the way of the deerrorist and his nefarious plot; it has hairdressers; and it has children.

"Police and a state Game Commission officer later tranquilized the deer, but it had a broken jaw and cuts on its neck and had to be euthanized, officials said."

America - 1, deerrorists - 0!

"Glen Campbell, a wildlife conservation officer, said the deer was likely frightened and disoriented."

And here comes the bleeding heart, deerrorist appeasing apologists. They have an excuse or reason for every deerrorist plot, activity or attack. You can practically set your watch to it.

"'They have a very, very primeval flight response,' Campbell said. 'If they get scared, they don't think, they just try to get away.'"

Oh, the poor, poor, misunderstood deerrorist. He wasn't trying to maim and kill children; he was trying to get away! Really, Mr. Campbell? Really? Then why did it crash through the glass door? If it was trying to "get away," wouldn't you think it would have run AWAY from the building, rather than right at the front door?

Well, the deerrorists may have Glen Campbell fooled but I, for one, know better.

Posted by Ryan at May 21, 2008 05:34 PM | TrackBack
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