Rambling Rhodes

First

Ever since I was moved back to the main IBM blue buildings, the building in which I'm located has been undergoing considerable remodelling. The one thing I've most been anticipating is the completion of the big bathroom facility.

Well, the bathroom has actually been done for a couple weeks now, but for some reason the janitorial staff simply hasn't gotten around to stocking it with toilet paper or paper towels, which of course means that taking a number two is out of the question.

Thing is, I really wanted to use the new bathroom stalls. They're clean, and the doors are intact, and the toilets automatically flush when you're done. It's like a bathroom amusement park, and I wanted to be one of the first to ride the new rollercoaster, or use the new shitters, as the case may be.

Today, I had had it. I was going to be the first to use those damned toilets, no matter what. So, I went to a different bathroom upstairs, unspooled about 30 feet of toilet paper (better to be safe than sorry, you know), tucked the pilfered paper under my armpits, and went back downstairs to use the new bathroom.

It was, shall we say. . . glorious. I was a king! I sat enthroned within my steel enclosure, secure in the knowledge that none had sat there before me. From this day on, let it be known that I was the first to perform bowel cleansing functions in the new IBM bathroom!

I was number one to take a number two!!

But, that automatic flusher kind of spooked me a little bit.

Bed Bugs

Caroline says: TGIF

Ryan says: Indeed.

Ryan says: A dark and gloomy and almost impossible to get out of bed Friday, but a Friday all the same.

Caroline says: Getting out of bed sucks.

Ryan says: Unless there are spiders in the bed.

Caroline says: Good point.

Ryan says: Or snakes.

Ryan says: Or Richard Simmons.

Ryan says: Or if any of the following women are waiting for you downstairs: Namrata Singh Gujral. Cerina Vincent. Lauren Lee Smith. Tawny Cypress. Jayma Mays. Rose Byrne. Natalia Tena. Carice van Houten. Sonya Walger. Michelle Ryan. Alice Braga. Kristen Stewart. Katie Leung. Vera Jordanova. Mia Maestro. Ninel Conde.

Caroline says: sigh

Yeah, but think of the electric bill

Lightbulb burns for 96 years

Hi, Gene. I mean, hygiene

So, apparently, there's going to be a new phone coming out that can actually tell you whether you have bad breath, or if you're giving off offensive odors.

It's not enough that we humans struggle every day to ward off body odor, now we'll have phones informing us of such.

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German telecommunications company said on Tuesday it is developing the first mobile phone that will alert users when their breath is bad or if they are giving off offensive smells.

*ring, ring*

"Hello?"

"Yeaaaahhh, this is your phone calling. Just thought you'd like to know that you could really use a Tic-Tac right about now."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks for the tip."

"Wait. . . wait. . . I didn't want to tell you this, but I think I have to. Your armpits, dude. . . seriously, take a sniff. You smell that? That's disgusting. You own deodorant, man, so why don't you use it more liberally?"

"Uh, yeah, I suppose you're right. I better get on that. Goodbye."

"WAIT! Wait. . . just wait a second. Look, while we're on the topic, you do realize this is day number three and you're still wearing the same boxer shorts, right?"

"Well, yeah. I've been busy."

"Too busy to change your freakin' drawers? It takes, what, four seconds or so? But, no, you just keep putting it off. Now here you sit, in a pair of soiled boxer shorts that smell like you shit yourself and then ran a marathon. Come on, man, change those things or, at the very least, go commando for the rest of the day. Seriously, it's revolting."

The phone will use a tiny chip measuring less than one millimeter to detect unpleasant odors, a spokeswoman for Siemens Mobile said. A research team in the southern city of Munich is developing the device using new sensor technology.

Who do you have to piss off to get put on that research team?

"It examines the air in the immediate vicinity for anything from bad breath and alcohol to atmospheric gas levels," the spokeswoman said. "Some people take smelling good rather seriously."

Yeah, as if we don't have a problem with people perpetually attached to their cell phones as it is. Now the phones will feed of the hygiene paranoia of the human masses. This idea really stinks.

More Nonsense From Caroline And Me

Caroline says: Man, I'm reading the FAQ part of Dan Brown's site. If you think he drops info into his books, you should see his answers to these questions. Blah blah blah...

Ryan says: I bet.

Ryan says: Mental masturbation, I believe they call it.

Caroline says: I bet he got beat up a lot in school.

Ryan says: "Sure, my nose is bloody because you punched me, but did you know that blood is made up of hemoglobin, meaning 'hemo' for blood and 'globin,' which is a derivative of 'goblin,' which is a derivative of 'goblet.' So, in essence, 'hemoglobin' means 'blood goblet,' which of course means 'Holy Grail. Therefore, you just beat the Holy Grail out of me."

Caroline says: This is what I'm saying.

Caroline says: Seriously, check out his FAQ when you get a chance.

Ryan says: It all comes back to the Holy Grail.

Caroline says: Usually.

UPDATE: Here's a picture of the crazed co-worker known as Caroline, in case you're interested. Note the large ears, big teeth and huge nose. Other than that, she's okay to look at, I guess.

Granted, she's no Elisha Cuthbert. Elisha Cuthbert . Elisha Cuthbert . Elisha Cuthbert . Elisha Cuthbert . Elisha Cuthbert . Elisha Cuthbert .

Discussing Important Things, Such As Ree Roo

Caroline says: Did you know Britney Spears got married over the weekend?

Ryan says: Did you know I don't care?

Caroline says: Yeah, I did. Just thought I'd share that info with you.

Ryan says: Did you know that she's toxic?

Ryan says: Reeeee, roooooo, ree roo roooooo.

Ryan says: Or something like that.
\
Caroline says: Reeeeeee roooooooooo?

Ryan says: What would your write to simulate the sound of a violin being played violently?

Caroline says: Nothing. I wouldn't try.

Ryan says: Well, then I stick by "reee rooo."

Caroline says: rut roh, ree roo

Ryan says: Why did they give Scooby that particular speech impediment, anyway?

Caroline says: Wasn't that Astro?

Caroline says: Rut Roh, Rorge.

Ryan says: No, it was Scoob.

Caroline says: Astro said Rut roh, Rorge.

Caroline says: Scooby really couldn't talk.

Caroline says: he had that laugh, though

Ryan says: I always thought Astro was a cheap knock-off of Scooby.

Ryan says: No, because Scooby could say "Scooby snacks."

Caroline says: Scooby was more expensive than Astro?

Caroline says: But he didn't say Rut Roh

Ryan says: And he called Shaggy, "Raggy."

Caroline says: Yeah, I guess.

Ryan says: http://www.enotalone.com/toys-games/B00005BYR8.html

Caroline says: ok

Caroline says: ok...

Ryan says: So, Scooby said rut roh.

Caroline says: Astro said rut roh

Ryan says: He also said "Rikes."

Caroline says: how 'bout they both said it?

Ryan says: Maybe they both did.

Caroline says: I know Astro said it.

Ryan says: Hanna-Barberra recycled all their tired, annoying gags.

Caroline says: I hope they found the donuts at the end of that book.

Ryan says: I thought the same thing.

Ryan says: Dan Brown has nothing on Scooby Doo.

Caroline says: He has PHI. Scooby has the snacks.

Ryan says: Scooby would call PHI, "Ree," which brings us back full circle to "ree roo."

Caroline says: It's a vicious cycle.