When it comes to being a Cheddar X participant, I'm kind of a slacker, but I remember to do it once in awhile, and that counts for something. Doesn't it?
1. Do you have a pet name for your significant other? If so, how did it come about?
No pet names here, although I suppose I call her "Babe" sorta, kinda often.
2. What was your favorite cartoon growing up? What's your favorite cartoon now?
You really can't go wrong with Loony Toons. When it came to Saturday morning cartoons, good old Loony Toons never failed to entertain, even if it was the 800th time you saw a particular episode. Loony Toons were eternal, easily outlasting the likes of the Smurfs and the Snorks. Now, obviously, I have to say The Simpsons, with a little South Park thrown in for good measure.
3. What is your best way to save money?
I wish I fucking knew.
4. What was your most frivolous purchase in the last couple of months?
Oh boy. New computer speakers. A new, yet incredibly comfy, leather executive desk chair. Oh, and while I was in Hawaii, I got on this kick where Mel and I kept going back to this arcade where, in addition to video games, you could play to win tickets which, if you won enough of them, you could trade them in for prizes. Good Lord, I think I blew $150 at that stupid place, with just a bunch of crap to show for it. Although, I did eventually win a Gerber multi-tool, which came in extremely useful almost immediately, because I used it to remove Melissa's nine stitches. "Paging Dr. Rhodes for surgery please. And bring your Gerber multi-tool."
5. What word would you like to see banished from use forever?
Not that I would enjoy seeing it banished, but I would be quite pleased to hear all of America stop using "like" multiple times in a sentence. You know, like, it's like, totally like this, see? Whereas once it was associated primarily by vapid valley girls, it has now permeated the very fabric of our vernacular, and I think it's, like, time for it to go. As for an actual word that should be banished? Metrosexual. Jeez. Could that BE, like, any dumber?
6. What is the strangest thing about someone that has attracted you? (I.e. the way someone walked, the way they chewed, along those lines).
Bizarre, I know, but one of my last girlfriends had an artistic streak in her, and she could draw extremely well. Watching her draw, for some inexplicable reason, was just a total turn-on.
7. What was your most memorable New Year's Eve? Why?
This is a toughie, because New Year's Eves, by and large, basically suck. However, when I was in Hawaii during the 1999-2000 New Year's, with all the Y2k hype and gloom and doomers scratching their way to the surface, I remember walking over seven miles back to the condo along the ocean, knowing that Hawaii was in the last time zone on earth to make the turn to the new year, and I knew that the rest of the world had made it into 2000 without a hitch. It was a strangely calm and soothing new year. Maybe not the most entertaining, but certainly the most serene.
Last night, Melissa and I finally went to see The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King. Now, I'm a fan of the books, first and foremost, so I can't help but roll my eyes every time Peter Jackson took a liberty or two with Tolkien's original.
I had my gripes about Return of the King, to be sure, not the least of which was the lack of a Sarumon scene of any sort, to say nothing of the entire deletion of the scouring of the Shire conclusion of the book (then again, that would have probably added another four hours to the film, which would have been awfully cruel).
Still, it was a damned good movie. I mean, yeah, Jackson took some liberties and all, but he was able to do something onscreen that you would think should be impossible to do. Namely, he really brought imagination alive. See, Tolkien had a gift of descriptive narrative. The man could dedicate five pages to describing tree bark. But, as he described things more in the distance, his narrative became somewhat more vague, allowing the reader to fill in the blanks with his or her unique imagination. Somehow, Jackson was able to do just that on film. Sure, everything close up was vibrant and rich, but in the distance, things often became somehow less real, looking more like the fanciful paintings of an artist experimenting with strange colors for the horizon.
However, and I'm not sure this is a gripe or not, the movie seemed as if it grabbed scenes directly out of The Empire Strikes Back. I mean, there's this entire scene dedicated to huge oliphaunts (basically genetically modified elephants) which were, basically, the Imperial walkers that assisted in the invasion of Hoth. Even Legolas the elf took on a Luke Skywalker role by single-handedly bringing down one of the giant beasts. Oh, and when Eowyn says to her father "I have to save you," and he responds, "You already did," I mean, can you say Return of the Jedi/Luke and Vader? Helloooo?
But, I digress. It really was an awesome movie, with computer generated scenes so vibrant and alive, all I could do was sit there with a dumb happy look on my face. Now I'm kind of hoping Jackson will just say, "to heck with it," and bring the book "The Hobbit," to the big screen as well. Shit, it would be worth it just to see the dragon, Smaug.
January (or at least what's left of it): Once again confounding the odds makers in Vegas, Pete Rose briefly marries Britney Spears, with Michael Jackson acting as the minister. Rose's best man, Kobe Bryant, interrupts the ceremony to comment to Spears that she has a nice ass and that he'd sure like to go backdoor on her. Bryant's wife instantly materializes to demand a $5 million toe ring.
Osama bin Laden releases another video tape to Al Jazeera which shows him getting hit in the groin by a football. CIA analysts pore over the video countless times to ensure it doesn't contain hidden signals to Al Queda. Although no such signals are found, the analysts continue to watch the video, admitting that it's "pretty funny."
February: The White House, bowing to media pressure, finally opens up and releases the whereabouts of Dick Cheney's "undisclosed location." Media organizations swarm to the area, only to find a recently-used Port-A-Potty with Cheney's signature etched on the toilet seat. Undeterred, CNN builds a plywood recreation of the Port-A-Potty and broadcasts a three part expose showing several scenarios of how the vice president may have sat while relieving himself.
China, responding to another SARS flare-up, decides to embark on a containment strategy that oversees the killing of all pandas. Responding to criticism over the dire measure, a Chinese doctor says, "Well, SOMETHING has to be causing it. If it's not the pandas, we'll try killing off something else. It's all very scientific."
March: Doctors for George W. Bush give the President a clean bill of health. Extreme critics of the Bush administration immediately go on the defensive, saying that the report is nothing but a pile of lies and deception meant to steer the American public into a war with Tunisia, New Zealand and "that one country near that one river."
The Spirit Mars Rover accidently encounters life on the red planet, a tiny, three legged being that was standing in front of the rover, apparently trying to communicate. The joyous discovery turns to tragedy, however, when the rover, unable to alter course immediately due to the 10 minutes it takes for signals to traverse the space between earth and Mars, runs over the small being, which gets stuck in the tread of the right front wheel.
April: The country of India, having absorbed roughly 50 percent of U.S. jobs due to corporate outsourcing, briefly considers incorporating itself. The idea is given up, however, when the government of India realizes it will be a laughing stock if it changed its name to India, Inc.
The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) receives an unprecedented signal from the planet Mars. After much deciphering of the signal, experts believe the translated message is, "You carbon-based life-forms will pay dearly for the death of our beloved ambassador, Zzzzdukop!"
May: Letting his guard down, Osama bin Laden strays out of his cave to stretch his legs, and is immediately brought into custody by a coalition patrol. Although the Al Queda leader doesn't put up a struggle, soldiers say that bin Laden smelled particularly bad, "kind of like an old bathtub full of pee." While the world rejoices, Bush critics maintain that the capture means nothing in the wider scope of terrorism and that the capture puts America more at risk, not less.
The American political landscape is stunned when the nine Democratic Presidential contenders combine to form a Super Demo-Zord, an imposing robotic presence that is huge to behold and talks a whole bunch, but basically does nothing except demand money for mostly ineffectual social programs.
June: A surprise delegation from the Muzzkadepp Republic of Mars, arriving in a saucer-like craft, is accidently blown apart while in near earth orbit during another test of America's Missile Defense shield. Said one military analyst of the goof, "Ohhhhhh, son of a fuck! This is gonna' cost us, for sure."
Holding their first free elections since the fall of Saddam Hussein's Ba'ath regime, the Iraqi populace is overjoyed with their newly elected president, Arnold Shwartzenegger. Gary Coleman demands a recount, but his bid to do so is halted when the Iraq Supreme Court decides it's sick and tired of Gary Coleman's shit.
July: The United Nations, bored with nothing to do, decides to start its own soccer team, The U.N. Nitros. Although the Nitros have a very successful season, with Kofi Annan as their leading scorer, most Americans simply opt to watch baseball and football, because soccer, let's face it, is as boring as dead grass.
Britney Spears, after months of not being able to think of anything else ridiculous to do, finally poses for Playboy. Thousands of acne-ridden 13-year-old boys disappear into the bathroom for the next several months. Michael Jackson is devastated at the disappearance of so many young, nubile males.
August: A sudden attack by the Muzzkadepp Republic of Mars stuns America when the Muzzkadeppian space fleet, thinking it understands earth culture, eradicates the large hillside letters that spell out HOLLYWOOD. Believing they delivered a powerful blow against earth, the Muzzkadeppians return to Mars to further strategize. The U.S., confusing the attack as a peace overture, sends a shipment of Krispy Kreme donuts to the red planet.
The Super Demo-Zord, while accepting the Democratic Presidential nomination, short circuits slightly and is only able to say "I'm a metrosexual," over and over again for the next several hours. Extreme Bush critics, though admittedly embarrassed by the poor showing of the Super Demo-Zord, maintain "Well, anything is better than that chimp-Nazi-warmonger-satan-wanker-if-he-wins-reelection-the-world-is-as-good-as-doomed." Meanwhile, nationwide, Bush's approval ratings soar.
September: SETI receives an urgent plea from the Muzzkadepp Republic of Mars asking for as many copies of the Atkins diet as earth can possibly spare to combat a Krispy Kreme obesity outbreak, promising to cease all hostilities if earth follows through with the relief effort.
In a move that surprises everyone, Al Jazeera airs a video of Osama bin Laden in prison. Bin Laden, sporting a muscular build, a shaved face, and a "I'm Debo's Bitch" tattoo on his left arm, announces his conversion to Scientology. A demoralized Al Queda is so thoroughly depressed, it can't even convince its members to blow themselves up any more.
October: The Muzzkadeppians of Mars sue for peace and an alliance is won with our solar system neighbors. They offer to open their planet up to weapons inspectors and accept lucrative bids from Halliburton for rust-mining rights. Extreme Bush critics insist that Mars is nothing more than a puppet government and that the Mars Earth war was fought under a Bush conspiracy to further enrich Krispy Kreme, Atkins, and Halliburton.
November: The first ever election between an incumbent president and a Super Demo-Zord ends in tragedy when the Super Demo-Zord, sensing defeat, self-destructs, destroying itself and 10 city blocks, an explosion that also claims the life of George W. Bush. Another hastily held election ends with the victory of a new American President: Arnold Shwarzenneger.
Al Queda, now in shambles, sells the rights to its name on eBay for $1.75.
December: A new full length porno is released, "Britney Does Baltimore," which features a cameo appearance by Ravens' linbacker Ray Lewis. Britney Spears' performance in the porno is disappointing to most viewers, with one critic going so far as to say "Truthfully, I think she did better acting in 'Crossroads. Decent tits though.'"
Extreme Bush critics, now with really nothing to bitch about, go back to their vegetarian lifestyles and sit around and talk about the good old "Bush hatin'" days.
Kids can be so cruel sometimes.
I half walked, half tumbled through the apartment door on Friday afternoon. I was still jet-lagged from all the Hawaii travel, so my body was sending mixed messages to my brain. On the one hand, it wanted to sleep until 2005, and on the other hand it wanted to go for a quick five mile run.
For my part, I wanted to unpack, check my mail, take a nice, long shit, and then see where to go from there.
Included in with my mail was a note from my roommate, Amy, telling me to call Buffalo Wild Wings, ASAP. Buffalo Wild Wings is where I spend a couple nights a week playing NTN trivia, eating greasy food and gargling whatever beer they're promoting as their Beer Of The Month. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the hell they were calling me for.
It turns out, I won a Super Bowl party for me and nine friends, complete with all the Budweiser product we can drink, 100 free wings, and Bud promotional items such as tee-shirts, hats, etc. SWEET! I like to win things. Winning ROCKS!
So, I quickly churn through a mental list of people who enjoy beer, football and wings. My list includes my roommate, her boyfriend, Heidi and her husband, myself, Troy, Jim, Marc, Norm and Jeremy. There, that's 10. List completed!
You'll notice, however, that I forgot to conjure one very important name: my girlfriend, Melissa. I should note here, that Melissa didn't make the list for a few reasons, which seemed like very good reasons at the time. A) I've only seen her watch one football game in all the time I've known her. B) She works every Sunday, including Super Bowl Sunday. C) She hates beer. D) Man, I really should have fucking included her in the list anyway.
But, of course, I didn't. And, when I was talking with Melissa that night and I told her of my wonderful fortune, and, oh yeah, you're not in hallowed list of 10, things kind of went sour. A fight ensued. A fairly large fight ensued. Thankfully, it ensued over the phone. We ensued back and forth over the phone, on and off for about four hours.
It was tricky negotiating over that four hour span. We laughed. She cried. Okay, we didn't laugh, but she sure did cry. Eventually, however, as with most ridiculously stupid fights over really stupid things, we started to see just how stupid the whole fight actually was. I ended up inviting her to the Super Bowl party, and she ended up declining because, as stated earlier, she has to work Super Bowl Sunday. Well, wasn't that just a total waste of four hours in which I could have been sleeping?
We're better now. We just needed to fight. It had been several months since our last big bout over something stupid. Now we can move on to really important stuff, whatever the hell that may be.
