The female suicide bomber who blew up Wednesday at the Erez Checkpoint in the Gaza Strip will not be the last woman to carry out a suicide attack, senior Hamas member Mahmoud Azhar said Thursday.
Reem Salah al-Rayashi, 21, the mother of two small children from Gaza, blew herself up Wednesday morning at the Erez crossing between Israel and the Gaza Strip, killing two soldiers, a border policeman, and a security guard for a private manpower company.
"She is not going to be the last (attacker) because the march of resistance will continue until the Islamic flag is raised, not only on the minarets of Jerusalem, but over the whole universe," promised Hamas leader Mahmoud Zahar.
But, maybe if I really try to understand such terrorists better, I mean, REALLY try to understand them historically and politically, that won't sound as much like a statement of intent to subjugate the people of the world under the turban of Islamofascist rule.
Okay, so, something's been bothering me as of late, and I think it directly relates to Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
So, let's say you're in a car, moving at 65 m.p.h. Then, in the other lane, there's a car coming at you at 65 m.p.h. Okay, but, relative to you, wouldn't the other car be coming at you at 130 m.p.h., or, alternatively, relative to him, wouldn't you be traveling at 130 m.p.h?
Given that, I guess what's been bothering me is this: if you somehow manage to get a vehicle to travel at half the speed of light, and then you send another vehicle at the first vehicle at half the speed of light, wouldn't it be true that, when the vehicles pass, they'd pass each other at the speed of light, and isn't that supposed to be impossible?
Does anybody know? Does anybody care? Can somebody answer me this? ANYONE?
Evelyn says: I need this: http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/ptech/01/15/car.selfpark.ap/index.html
Ryan says: For $2,200, it's yours.
Evelyn says: Cool beans. I can't parallel park to save my life.
Ryan says: I shudder to think of a scenario in which someone has to parallel park to save their life.
Evelyn says: Only on Fear Factor or something.
Ryan says: "She ist too far away from ze curb. Shoot her!"
Evelyn says: LOL
After A Lot Of Consideration, People Agree That All People Can Be Compared To Nazi Leader
NEW YORK (Rhodes Media Services) -- According to opinions gathered from 317,346 people worldwide by the organization, Comparison, Inc., most everyone agrees that, whether your political views lean to the left, right, or somewhere in between, practically everyone, if you put a little thought into it, can be compared to Adolf Hitler.
The opinion poll was conducted following a busy week during which the Internet gathering site of largely left leaning individuals, MoveOn.org, saw an influx of people comparing George W. Bush to Hitler, as well as Indymedia.com, where there was a recent attempt to equate American soldiers with Nazi SS troopers.
The surprising results conducted by Comparison, Inc., revealed that Hitler comparisons can be used to fit the personal profiles of pretty much every person who has ever lived, from world leaders past and present, to the every day ordinary Joe on the street.
"Oh, come on, Julius Caesar was so obviously Hitler," said Joseph Cambridge, 34, of lower Manhatten. "I mean, he declared himself dictator and totally messed with the way Rome was governed, throwing out the concepts of the mos mairorem entirely. Yep, if Caesar had come along after Hitler, I'm positive you'd be hearing about how similar they are. And, you know, while I'm on the topic, that neighbor of mine (Jack Tomlinson, 29) is kind of like Hitler too. He still hasn't returned my hot plate, that little Nazi-like fucker."
Such opinions were widely held, according to the Comparison, Inc., survey, which also found that a lot of people consider Martin Luther King, Jr., former President Bill Clinton, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Joseph Stalin, Tony Blair, and countless neighbors and relatives, all bear at least nominal similarities to the Nazi fuhrer.
"My brother-in-law has a moustache that is sooooo Hitler," said Siegfried Heinz, of Berlin, Germany. "Plus, he dating some chick named Eva, which is right out of the Hitler book of relationships. Lousy fucking Nazi sonofabitch."
Last week, I was sitting at home at my desk, with the television mindlessly blaring behind me. Suddenly, the television or, more appropriately, a television commercial, asked a question that I had never, until that very moment, taken the time to consider.
"Do you know what's going on in your toilet tank?"
Well, no, not really. I mean, I'll occasionally rest my back up against the toilet tank, or maybe leave an issue of Time magazine or a book resting on it but, by and large, the intricate workings of the toilet tank and the dark secrets it guards typically don't concern me.
But, there was a sense of urgency in that commercial, something that made me think they knew something I didn't. Perhaps all my egregious toilet tank neglect had resulted in some sort of mutation within my toilet tank that could ultimately threaten the existence of mankind.
I rushed to the bathroom immediately to inspect the tank and its inner workings, fully expecting to do battle with a horde of strange new creatures. Okay, I wasn't actually fully expecting to do battle with anything, but the commercial did remind me that it was way past time to refresh my toilet's 2000 Flushes.
As I expected, all was serene within my toilet tank, everything was in near-perfect order; nothing too exciting.
Which made me wonder: why do so many commercials make toilet cleaning seem like such an action-packed and enjoyable endeavor? I mean, come on! It's a toilet! When I look down at a dirty toilet, I don't get at all excited. Truthfully, I get more grossed out than anything else. But, the commercials, they make toilet cleaning seem better than a trip to Disney World.
Take the product, toilet Duck, for example. Now, I'll admit it: I've never used toilet Duck. When it comes to the cleaning of toilets, I prefer the most hands off approach possible. Therefore, I'm a die-hard toilet tank tablet enthusiast, and for my money it's tough to beat the blue cleansing power of 2000 Flushes. You drop a couple of discs in the tank, and things pretty much take care of themselves for the next month or so.
But, toilet Duck still fascinates me. Here you have an actual toilet mascot, an enthusiastic rubber ducky that apparently thinks cleaning toilets is the most fun there is. And, the cartoon duck lets out the most adorable "Quack, Quaaaaaack!" while it works, zooming around the toilet bowl with the biggest grin you've ever seen on a duck and, let me assure you, I've seen plenty of grinning ducks. Okay, no I haven't.
I try to think what it must have been like way back when that fledgling company was trying to establish itself as a powerhouse in the toilet cleaning industry. They held a marketing brainstorming meeting to try and come up with a unique brand identity.
COMPANY CEO: All right, people, we're not leaving this room until we have a marketing strategy to promote our new and super-powerful toilet cleaning agent. Any ideas?
MARKETING VP: I've been working on this, and I think a mascot would really help. I just can't think of what kind of mascot to best associate with a toilet.
CEO'S BRATTY SON: Gee, how about, like, you know, a duck? A toilet duck.
ENTIRE MEETING: *grumble* *murmur* *occasional yawn*
CEO: A toilet duck? I like it! I was thinking about possibly a toilet giraffe, but we could end up in a legal mess with Toys –R- Us, to say nothing of the unlikely nature of a toilet-cleaning giraffe. But a duck, eh? Let's do it!
And so the toilet Duck was born, er, I mean hatched, and from all appearances that toilet duck thinks cleaning toilets is just ducky.
Not me, though. I hate cleaning my toilet, and I don't care what the heck is going on in my toilet tank.
One of my daily reads, Mitch Berg, went off on a tirade about sexual education in public schools and how it basically doesn't work. I don't begrudge him his position, simply his conclusions.
I'm biased here, I'll admit it. After all, I not only come from a public school system that taught sex ed, my father was the teacher. Granted, having one's own father as his sexual education teacher resulted in a string of embarrasing classes ("now, when my wife and I decided to try for Ryan here"), but the students came out of those classes with the ability to put their raging hormones into context.
There's a knee jerk reaction when it comes to sex ed, and it's a reaction predicated on the unconscious belief that sex ed is, in fact, a how-to manual of sexual positions and the right combination of flowers and wine to best ensure getting laid. Well, I can't speak for all sex ed programs nationwide. I can only speak with authority on my own experience. And, my own experience made me extraordinarily aware of the wider ramifications of sexual activity.
We learned about sexually transmitted diseases. We learned about the physical make-up of the male and female reproductive systems. We learned about contraceptives. We learned about pregnancy. And, yes, we learned about abstinence. And, I'll tell you something, for a lot of my classmates, that sexual education class was the only time in their lives someone actually spoke to them frankly, honestly and empirically about sex. I mean, let's face it, even the most perfect parents in the world get squeamish and evasive when it comes to discussing sex with their children. Hell, I'm 28, and my mother still doesn't want to read about me having sex with ANYONE. My father doesn't want to read it much either, and he's a SEX ED TEACHER.
Mitch has this to say: Second - abstinence only DOES work. It's all that is taught in Catholic schools; no contraception, no abortion, no sex. And students at Catholic schools have a lower rate of teenage pregnancy than public schools.
Yeah, well, in an environment that practically chastises you for holding your wang while you pee, eventually you'll get it nailed through your head that sex is the biggest sin imaginable.
That's because "sex ed" in the Catholic school doesn't divorce the physical and moral components of sexuality - something no public school in his day and age is allowed to do.
Yes, because public schools have an obligation to teach a student MORALS, seeing as how the parents are apparently incapable of doing so.
Right. But we don't have a thoughtful society. We have Hollywood, and pop music, "Bratz" dolls, TV, and even the Disney Channel starting to sexualize kids younger and younger. We have teeny idol Britney Spears playing cat-and-mouse with virginity while living with fellow teen idol Justin Timberlake. We have Christina Aguilera glamourizing sluttiness. We have President Clinton, glamourizing and legitimizing the Lothario. We have innumerable examples of sex as glamorous, powerful, fun, grown-up - and very few of pregnancy, of single parenthood, of the options that pregnancy closes down.
Exactly. And THAT'S why sexual education, not just an abstinence-only approach, is so critically important. Rather than telling kids "don't do it," and then sending them out in a society that says "DO IT, DO IT, DO IT," why not arm them with the knowledge of what can and does happen if they DO IT, DO IT, DO IT." Which is exactly what a good sexual education program does and the type of program I learned under.
It's come to my attention that, because it's January, some readers of this column may be enduring a phenomenon known as cold weather. Now, although cold weather can be a life-threatening occurrence, with a little useful knowledge, anyone can survive a cold snap.
As luck would have it, I possess such useful knowledge, and I'm willing to pass it on to you, free of charge, because that's the wonderful kind of guy I am.
First off, you should determine whether you live in, or are visiting, a cold climate. To find this out, locate a map and point to the city you happen to be in right now. If your finger lands within the border of a state called Minnesota, chances are good you're in a cold climate. If so, you should follow these simple tips.
You should always ascertain just how cold a given day is in order to prepare accordingly. If you're a snooty rich person, you can just look outside at your fancy schmancy thermometer. Lacking a thermometer, you can just quickly step outside and make the following observations:
-If your teeth hurt immediately upon stepping outside, the temperature is probably somewhere below zero, usually -15 degrees Fahrenheit or so without wind chill.
-If your teeth don't hurt, but you find it hard to blink, we're talking 3 below to 10 above zero.
-If blinking is normal, but you take a deep breath through the nose and feel your boogers freeze, the temperature is between 10 and 32 degrees.
-If it feels kind of chilly, but none of the aforementioned symptoms occur, you should thank your lucky stars for a Minnesota heat wave in January.
After discovering just how cold it is outside, you should next decide what type of clothing to wear to best deal with the chilly temperatures.
If, for example, the temperature is of the teeth hurting persuasion, you'll probably be best served by wearing long underwear with sweatpants and jeans, two thick sweaters, a jacket thick enough to deflect bullets and some sort of furry hat that fools people into thinking you have large rodent sleeping on your head.
Any temperature above the teeth hurting mark can usually be warded off by long underwear and pants, a single sweater, and a jacket thick enough to deflect bullets. The rodent hat is optional, but well in line with Minnesota winter fashion for the last 30 years.
Be sure to start your car and let it run an appropriate length of time before journeying forth in cold weather. An "appropriate length of time" varies according to how warm you like your automobile to be, but most estimates range from 20 minutes to simply letting the car run 24/7 throughout the winter season. Sure, it costs a fortune in gas but, ultimately, it may actually be worth it.
It's widely believed that, to conserve energy, it's best to keep the home thermostat kept just below 70 degrees. This, I believe, is insane. After all, it's called "indoor heat," not "indoor kinda warm." Therefore, crank the heat up to 85 and dance around in your underwear while sipping a tropical drink with an umbrella in it.
Oven heat is a good complement to your home heating system. As such, you should keep a hefty supply of frozen pizzas on hand to cook at a moment's notice, whenever you feel as though a little extra heat is required. If, as a result of this measure, you find yourself with a lot of uneaten pizza, you should throw a large party immediately, remembering, of course, to invite me.
Swearing and expletives go hand in hand with cold weather. If, upon exiting your home, you discover that your boogers have frozen, feel free to make such comments as "man, it's really #%^$&*@ cold out!" and "@#$%&#, it's cold. I can't believe how @#$&%# cold out it is." Letting loose with expletives such as these encourage muscle movement in the face and, let's just admit it, it feels good to swear once in awhile.
I would type up some more rules here, but my fingers are getting cold.
