January 06, 2004

Looking Through The Crystal Ball At '04

January (or at least what's left of it): Once again confounding the odds makers in Vegas, Pete Rose briefly marries Britney Spears, with Michael Jackson acting as the minister. Rose's best man, Kobe Bryant, interrupts the ceremony to comment to Spears that she has a nice ass and that he'd sure like to go backdoor on her. Bryant's wife instantly materializes to demand a $5 million toe ring.

Osama bin Laden releases another video tape to Al Jazeera which shows him getting hit in the groin by a football. CIA analysts pore over the video countless times to ensure it doesn't contain hidden signals to Al Queda. Although no such signals are found, the analysts continue to watch the video, admitting that it's "pretty funny."

February: The White House, bowing to media pressure, finally opens up and releases the whereabouts of Dick Cheney's "undisclosed location." Media organizations swarm to the area, only to find a recently-used Port-A-Potty with Cheney's signature etched on the toilet seat. Undeterred, CNN builds a plywood recreation of the Port-A-Potty and broadcasts a three part expose showing several scenarios of how the vice president may have sat while relieving himself.

China, responding to another SARS flare-up, decides to embark on a containment strategy that oversees the killing of all pandas. Responding to criticism over the dire measure, a Chinese doctor says, "Well, SOMETHING has to be causing it. If it's not the pandas, we'll try killing off something else. It's all very scientific."

March: Doctors for George W. Bush give the President a clean bill of health. Extreme critics of the Bush administration immediately go on the defensive, saying that the report is nothing but a pile of lies and deception meant to steer the American public into a war with Tunisia, New Zealand and "that one country near that one river."

The Spirit Mars Rover accidently encounters life on the red planet, a tiny, three legged being that was standing in front of the rover, apparently trying to communicate. The joyous discovery turns to tragedy, however, when the rover, unable to alter course immediately due to the 10 minutes it takes for signals to traverse the space between earth and Mars, runs over the small being, which gets stuck in the tread of the right front wheel.

April: The country of India, having absorbed roughly 50 percent of U.S. jobs due to corporate outsourcing, briefly considers incorporating itself. The idea is given up, however, when the government of India realizes it will be a laughing stock if it changed its name to India, Inc.

The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) receives an unprecedented signal from the planet Mars. After much deciphering of the signal, experts believe the translated message is, "You carbon-based life-forms will pay dearly for the death of our beloved ambassador, Zzzzdukop!"

May: Letting his guard down, Osama bin Laden strays out of his cave to stretch his legs, and is immediately brought into custody by a coalition patrol. Although the Al Queda leader doesn't put up a struggle, soldiers say that bin Laden smelled particularly bad, "kind of like an old bathtub full of pee." While the world rejoices, Bush critics maintain that the capture means nothing in the wider scope of terrorism and that the capture puts America more at risk, not less.

The American political landscape is stunned when the nine Democratic Presidential contenders combine to form a Super Demo-Zord, an imposing robotic presence that is huge to behold and talks a whole bunch, but basically does nothing except demand money for mostly ineffectual social programs.

June: A surprise delegation from the Muzzkadepp Republic of Mars, arriving in a saucer-like craft, is accidently blown apart while in near earth orbit during another test of America's Missile Defense shield. Said one military analyst of the goof, "Ohhhhhh, son of a fuck! This is gonna' cost us, for sure."

Holding their first free elections since the fall of Saddam Hussein's Ba'ath regime, the Iraqi populace is overjoyed with their newly elected president, Arnold Shwartzenegger. Gary Coleman demands a recount, but his bid to do so is halted when the Iraq Supreme Court decides it's sick and tired of Gary Coleman's shit.

July: The United Nations, bored with nothing to do, decides to start its own soccer team, The U.N. Nitros. Although the Nitros have a very successful season, with Kofi Annan as their leading scorer, most Americans simply opt to watch baseball and football, because soccer, let's face it, is as boring as dead grass.

Britney Spears, after months of not being able to think of anything else ridiculous to do, finally poses for Playboy. Thousands of acne-ridden 13-year-old boys disappear into the bathroom for the next several months. Michael Jackson is devastated at the disappearance of so many young, nubile males.

August: A sudden attack by the Muzzkadepp Republic of Mars stuns America when the Muzzkadeppian space fleet, thinking it understands earth culture, eradicates the large hillside letters that spell out HOLLYWOOD. Believing they delivered a powerful blow against earth, the Muzzkadeppians return to Mars to further strategize. The U.S., confusing the attack as a peace overture, sends a shipment of Krispy Kreme donuts to the red planet.

The Super Demo-Zord, while accepting the Democratic Presidential nomination, short circuits slightly and is only able to say "I'm a metrosexual," over and over again for the next several hours. Extreme Bush critics, though admittedly embarrassed by the poor showing of the Super Demo-Zord, maintain "Well, anything is better than that chimp-Nazi-warmonger-satan-wanker-if-he-wins-reelection-the-world-is-as-good-as-doomed." Meanwhile, nationwide, Bush's approval ratings soar.

September: SETI receives an urgent plea from the Muzzkadepp Republic of Mars asking for as many copies of the Atkins diet as earth can possibly spare to combat a Krispy Kreme obesity outbreak, promising to cease all hostilities if earth follows through with the relief effort.

In a move that surprises everyone, Al Jazeera airs a video of Osama bin Laden in prison. Bin Laden, sporting a muscular build, a shaved face, and a "I'm Debo's Bitch" tattoo on his left arm, announces his conversion to Scientology. A demoralized Al Queda is so thoroughly depressed, it can't even convince its members to blow themselves up any more.

October: The Muzzkadeppians of Mars sue for peace and an alliance is won with our solar system neighbors. They offer to open their planet up to weapons inspectors and accept lucrative bids from Halliburton for rust-mining rights. Extreme Bush critics insist that Mars is nothing more than a puppet government and that the Mars Earth war was fought under a Bush conspiracy to further enrich Krispy Kreme, Atkins, and Halliburton.

November: The first ever election between an incumbent president and a Super Demo-Zord ends in tragedy when the Super Demo-Zord, sensing defeat, self-destructs, destroying itself and 10 city blocks, an explosion that also claims the life of George W. Bush. Another hastily held election ends with the victory of a new American President: Arnold Shwarzenneger.

Al Queda, now in shambles, sells the rights to its name on eBay for $1.75.

December: A new full length porno is released, "Britney Does Baltimore," which features a cameo appearance by Ravens' linbacker Ray Lewis. Britney Spears' performance in the porno is disappointing to most viewers, with one critic going so far as to say "Truthfully, I think she did better acting in 'Crossroads. Decent tits though.'"

Extreme Bush critics, now with really nothing to bitch about, go back to their vegetarian lifestyles and sit around and talk about the good old "Bush hatin'" days.

Posted by Ryan at January 6, 2004 03:38 PM
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