June 30, 2008

Dopplegangers

Ryan says: Know what I found by accident over the weekend?

Caroline says: I do not.

Ryan says: http://www.ryanandcaroline.com/

Ryan says: I can't believe I got top billing.

Caroline says: LOLOLOLO

Ryan says: Then again, I'm apparently gay.

Caroline says: I've always suspected.

Caroline says: I wish we could re-create this site with our geode twins picture.

Ryan says: I don't think it would be that difficult.

Caroline says: Check out the third picture of them on their blog ... that is pretty close to our geode twins picture. (Minus the double thumbs up, of course.)

Ryan says: I was Googling for a specific convo between us when I stumbled on that site. Man did I LOL. . . out loud.

Caroline says: I totally LOLed ... out loud here.

Caroline says: They call themselves "Ryaline"!!!!!!

Ryan says: *shudder*

Caroline says: This is full of so much win

Posted by Ryan at 07:39 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

June 27, 2008

Making Baby Jesus Cry

You know what's sad and irritating? I'll tell you what's sad and irritating. What's sad and irritating are all the ThunderJournal posts I've had to go back through and close the comments because they're getting choked by spam.

Although, they have steered me to some pretty kicking porn sites, so there's that.

Posted by Ryan at 02:25 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

One. . . MILLION. . . sex jokes

Ryan says: Great line on on the radio this morning about the Mini Me sex tape:

Ryan says: "Wouldn't it just look like a woman giving birth?"

Caroline says: Grooossssssssssssssss

Caroline says: And, totally.

Ryan says: That damn umbilical cord just. won't. let. go.

Posted by Ryan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 25, 2008

DO NOT WANT!

Caroline says: Ugh. Verne Troyer has a sex tape.

Ryan says: Blargh!

Ryan says: On the bright side, I hear it's pretty short.

Caroline says: and splort!

Caroline says: Hey-oooooooooh!

Posted by Ryan at 03:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Think of the Graffiti Possibilities

When it comes to writing ThunderJournal posts, some days are easier than others. I'll have days when nothing at all occurs to me; nothing inspires me; nothing makes me sit up and say "I'll write about this!"

Other days, I can just be sitting there, thinking about nothing in particular (but usually boobies), when a friend will send me a link to a news article about the ongoing research and development of a spray-on condom, and I can confidently proclaim: "I'll write about this!"

Sprayoncondom.jpg

Yes, according to a November 22, 2007 (and, no, I can't believe it took me this long to become aware of this) Reuters news item reported by the U.K.'s Daily Mail, "scientists have developed a spray on condom that is tailor made to a man's most treasured asset in seconds."

I'm telling you, not since the invention of Vulva have I been this excited about mankind's capacity for innovation. By the way, you know you've ventured into journalistic ambiguity when the article refers to "a man's most treasured asset." I mean, I KNOW what that's referring to, but I can imagine some overcompensating male out there thinking "why would I want a spray on condom for my Ferrari?" Back to the article we go:

"The sheath, invented by the Condom Consultancy in Germany, is made in a chamber that pumps out liquid latex over the man's penis and then dries in 20 to 25 seconds. It is later rolled off like a normal condom. The aim is to cut the drying time to 10 seconds."

Okay, first of all. . . there's a Condom Consultancy? Why was I not made aware of this until just now? Why am I not one of the consultants? I have a laundry list of condom improvement ideas that should have been brought to the attention of the Condom Consultancy board of directors YEARS AGO. First and foremost, why can't they invent a condom that doesn't leave a circular ring when stored in a wallet?

"Inventor Jan Vinzenz Krause said it is better than the one-size-fits-all versions on sale in shops.

"'We thought why not come up with a condom that fits the man rather than vice versa? This would represent a revolution in the condom market,' said Krause."

I'm trying to envision what a condom market revolution would look like. I'm imagining opposing armies, each equipped with condom-shaped helmets, awkwardly trying to roll a condom down the barrel of their rifle, with a woman standing behind each soldier, saying "Just DO IT ALREADY!"

I'm sorry. . . where was I?

"He has filed for a patent for the latex spraying system he invented. 'As far as I know our idea is unique,' said Krause."

"He admits he will have to overcome some legal hurdles and technical niggles before he can bring the product to market, but he already has a working prototype and says the system can cater for most sizes."

Just so you know, a successfully performed "technical niggle" can do wonders in the bedroom. Ladies ask for it by name.

"'With our technology we could spray a condom on an erect elephant,' he declared, not without a hint of pride."

There are some quotes that cannot be improved upon through snark and silliness; the preceding is just such a quote. Although, it would make a most awesome YouTube video to capture lab technicians trying to coat an elephant's wang with liquid condom using spray cans. It's SCIENCE!

"Men who tested the prototype were split in their reactions."

"'Some said it's a great idea and would help them because they can't find conventional condoms that fit them,' Mr Krause said. 'Others say they can't imagine it working in practice. There's the romance factor: applying the condom does interfere with the sex act.'"

Especially when you encounter a perfectionist who wants to get the coating JUST RIGHT. It's not just an erection. . . it's ART.

Posted by Ryan at 06:02 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 24, 2008

Internet: Serious Business

Iíve watched the Internet evolve over the years from the perspective of someone who writes for a living, as a communicator who has chosen the written word as his medium of choice and his profession. As such, I like to think, after five years of college writing, followed by a decade of writing and editing content for a variety of newspapers, magazines, books and even Web-based material, that I have a pretty good idea of what constitutes decent writing and thoughtful, well-reasoned rhetoric.

The Internet, Iíve noticed, has this strange power over what would otherwise be somewhat rational, restrained people. The Internet takes these people and turns them into rambling, obsessive-compulsive commenting idiots. Thatís not to say EVERYONE online is an idiot, but the idiots, in my experience, seem to be the most vocal. Many somehow believe, if they just write endlessly, the reader wonít notice their idiocy. On the other side of the coin are the idiots who cram so much idiocy, usually with Caps Lock enabled, into such a small space, it practically generates its own idiot gravity.

From my perspective, the idiot door really swung open at the turn of the Millennium, when online journals, or blogs, started grabbing the worldwide imagination. Here was a Web-based engine that could provide an online voice to every man, woman or child, provided they had a rudimentary understanding of Internet language coding. That small requirement, that tiny hurdle, that miniscule speed bump of extra effort and knowledge, meant most early bloggers and online journal keepers could also string together logical sentences and thoughts.

A side-effect to all that early blogging was the human desire to generate feedback from readers, to encourage written dialogue with their fellow online human beings, and it was from that point that the Internet ship sailed over the edge of the earth and into the awaiting maw of the commenting beast below.

Blogs became equipped with comment boxes or other such commenting engines, making online commentary as simple as clicking a link and typing out thoughts. No longer the sole domain of the casual and hardcore geeks, online commentary became open to the Web-based general public, which has since established itself as the single largest bloc of idiots ever to wield a keyboard.

When YouTube rose to prominence in early 2007, the geniuses behind the Internet video-sharing powerhouse made the monumentally bad decision to provide viewers with the ability to comment on each and every available video. The result has been the single largest assault on spelling, grammar, logic and general thought ever to be inflicted upon the written word.

A brief trip through the cesspool that is a YouTube comment thread yields such literary gems as:

- lmao!!! i feel kinda sorry for him but this is still funny 5/5 I also added him in my video aswell

- real smooth lmao smbdy tell me why he tried to get back up

- Where I Can Download It !!?? hahahhahaha Its Soooo Funnyyy

And thatís just a tiny sampling. There are, literally, hundreds of thousands, probably millions, of similar comments polluting YouTube comment threads alone. And I chose the comments listed above for their relative COHERENCE; there are far, far worse comments, believe me. Trying to read many of the comments is like trying to decipher Martian Braille, riddled with insulting expletives.

For better or for worse, the commenting beast has now extended its tendrils into online newspaper articles. Many newspapers, experiencing declining advertising revenue and circulations, have opened their Web-based content to the commenting opinion of readers. This experiment admittedly has potential, but that potential is tempered by the fact that roughly 80 percent of online commenters are also anonymous, and anonymous online commenters can be ridiculously insulting and hostile, often inhabiting personas they would never, EVER exhibit during face-to-face interactions.

All of this is just my long-winded way of telling you how special I am, and how unique my coherent and amusing writing style actually is. You can comment to me about it, if youíd like.

Posted by Ryan at 09:23 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

June 23, 2008

I Could Write for The AP

I had to move this post to here, because all those mentions of. . . a certain posterior aperture. . . is apparently causing problems with. . . certain ads.

Posted by Ryan at 02:40 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

A Typical Monday Morning

Caroline says: How did we miss this?! http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/06/20/todays-classiest-headline-award-goes-to/

Ryan says: They had me at "Cumming Hailed."

Ryan says: Can you imagine the umbrella required to stave off cum hail?

Caroline says: That reminds me, there's this suspicious-looking white stuff on the floor by the outside doors here. I did a double take when I walked in this morning. Ick.

Ryan says: I surrendered my badge on my last day, so I plead innocent.

Caroline says: It was a spooge-by.

Ryan says: Those are so sneaky.

Caroline says: I would think they require a fairly decent amount of prep work.

Ryan says: In my experience, at LEAST eight minutes.

Caroline says: Then ... splort!

Ryan says: We have the best IM conversations.

Caroline says: Uh, yeah we do.

Posted by Ryan at 08:10 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 20, 2008

Just Think

For the price of a fairly decent blow-job. . . you could get a fairly decent blow-job.

Who says this economy is in trouble?

Posted by Ryan at 03:03 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

One thing I learned this week

Modern medicine has the ability to create a new bladder using a segment of the intestine.

Interesting.

Yuck.

Posted by Ryan at 08:24 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 19, 2008

Prego, or Ragu?

Caroline says: Just as we suspected: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1815845,00.html?cnn=yes

Ryan says: That Time article doesn't suprise me in the least, although it's still downright depressing.

Caroline says: I know.

Ryan says: You know what gets me about that Time article?

Caroline says: Which part

Ryan says: It ends with the school talking about providing students with contraceptives. . . when quite obviously the students in question wanted nothing to do with contraceptives.

Caroline says: Well, yeah. I wondered about the logic behind that "solution," too.

Caroline says: The girls high-fived, for jebus' sake.

Ryan says: When kids are giving high fives for getting pregnant, somehow I don't think condoms are the solution.

Ryan says: Call me crazy.

Caroline says: Cah-raaaaazy

Ryan says: I hesitate to blame movies like Juno an Knocked Up, but there's definitely something. . . societal. . . about the growing "popularity" of teen pregnancy.

Caroline says: I don't think Juno and Knocked Up glamorized pregnancy for unwed moms. Maybe they didn't see the same movies I did.

Ryan says: Maybe today's teens are turned on by Seth Rogan?

Caroline says: Well, they did opt for a 24 yo homeless dude to impregnate them ... Seth Rogan probably looks good to them.

Ryan says: A 24-year-old homeless man could mean something different to us.

Ryan says: I was, technically, homeless when I was 24.

Caroline says: Man, you really missed out on all the sex with high school girls, then.

Caroline says: Or maybe I don't know the whole story.

Ryan says: I know, right?!

Ryan says: I think that's what depresses me most.

Ryan says: All that sweet teen ass I missed out on.

Caroline says: I had a feeling we'd get here eventually. Let it out.

Ryan says: LOL!

Posted by Ryan at 09:48 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Oh, for. . . Jesus H Crapstick

Remember when I wrote this?

*thinking back*

Man, that was really awesome and hilarious hyperbole. *sigh* *boobies*

Today, as if on cue, we get this:

Iowa flooding could be manís fault, experts say
Where some blame days of rain, others point to an altered landscape

You can't make this shit up any more. A meteor could take out New York City tomorrow, and days later some "expert" would come in and explain how the damage could have been mitigated if a city hadn't been constructed there in the first place. Damn you, progress! DAMN YOU!!!!!

As the Cedar River rose higher and higher, and as he stacked sandbags along the levee protecting downtown Cedar Falls, Kamyar Enshayan, a college professor and City Council member, kept asking himself the same question: "What is going on?"

As the Cedar River rose higher and higher, a college professor and City Council member kept asking. . . "What is going on?"

Digest that. Marinate in that. Swim in it like a duckling. Marvel at the sheer fucking stupidity of it. Realize that ANYONE can be a college professor and ANYONE can be a City Council member. . . and ANYONE can be a full throttle moron. From this point on, any ridiculously stupid statement can be referred to as spouting a Kamyar.

The river would eventually rise six feet higher than any flood on record. Farther downstream, in Cedar Rapids, the river would break the record by more than 11 feet.

Enshayan, director of an environmental center at the University of Northern Iowa, suspects that this natural disaster wasn't really all that natural. He points out that the heavy rains fell on a landscape radically reengineered by humans. Plowed fields have replaced tallgrass prairies. Fields have been meticulously drained with underground pipes. Streams and creeks have been straightened. Most of the wetlands are gone. Flood plains have been filled and developed.

Um, yes, plowed fields, you know THAT PRODUCE FOOD, have replaced tallgrass prairies. The pure cheek of us humans, developing land to grow crops. THE GALL! Draining fields with underground pipes. How dare we be innovative! Streams and creeks. . . straightened! STRAIGHTENED! HORRORS! Flood plains have been filled. . . and DEVELOPED.

One wonders what Kamyar would have to say about the human influence on California wildfires. Or, hey, remember the 2005 tsunami? Imagaine how many lives would have been saved if no one lived in coastal areas.

"We've done numerous things to the landscape that took away these water-absorbing functions," he said. "Agriculture must respect the limits of nature."

People elected this guy. Remember that. Could we please, PLEASE get some common sense in this article? PLEASE?!

Officials are still trying to understand all the factors that contributed to Iowa's flooding, and not everyone has the same suspicions as Enshayan. For them, the cause was obvious: It rained buckets and buckets for days on end. They say the changes in land use were lesser factors in what was really just a case of meteorological bad luck.

THANK YOU! Good God, in my home town of Harmony, Minn. alone (about three miles from the Iowa border), it rained nearly 10 inches in two days. It was unprecedented. It was crazy. With that kind of rainfall in the Midwest, the soil eventually says "hey, you know what? I'm pretty saturated. You can rebend all the streams and creeks you want; hell, you can even try re-establishing flood plains. But, you know what? I'm flooding your ass, and there's NOTHING you can do about it."

You know what? I'm done with this. The basic gist is: "If humans just weren't so doggone human and alive on this planet, this never would have happened. . . maybe."

Newsy.

Posted by Ryan at 08:10 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Disinfected

I'm not typically a hand lotion kind of guy. Unless, well, you know. . .

Seriously, I'm not the sort of person who worries about disinfecting every surface I touch and ensuring soft, moist hands. I generally leave that kind of obsessive worriment to the Lileks battalion of the Internet. I should note here that in no way was a dig at Lileks, who I consider to be a top tier humorest and general writer; his disinfecting ways have served him well, even if I don't share his daily bacteria-destroying agenda.

To somewhat illustrate how nonchalant I am when it comes to communicative filth, bacteria or otherwise: earlier this year, the mats on which I train in jiu-jitsu were moved for the first time in about four years, and the detritus between the cracks and beneath the mats was swept up for the first time in well over 1,000 days. The mountain of accumulated pubes, sand, dirt, band-aids and just general grossness that eventually piled up was enough to gag even Oscar the Grouch. It was seriously disturbing, and yet I was strangely okay with it.

At any rate, in my new employment position, they advocate routine hand disinfecting, to the point where they actually stock the supply closets with bottles and bottles of hand antiseptic/moisturizer. Now, since I don't actually have to PAY to cleanse my digits, I've taken to keeping a bottle on my desk and using the substance (which looks suspiciously like porn jizz) quite regularly over the course of a day, and I've found, quite to my surprise, that I actually enjoy having soft, moisturized hands, which just happen to also be disinfected.

I consider it progress. . . or something.

Posted by Ryan at 07:34 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 17, 2008

Because You Shouldn't Have to Tell Her Twice

Italian man accused of kidnapping ex-girlfriend to get ironing, dishes done

Posted by Ryan at 08:37 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 16, 2008

Humans Responsible for Solar Inactivity, Report Says

Lack of Solar Sunspots and Other Phenomenon Anthropogenic In Nature

WASHINGTON D.C. (Rhodes Media Services) -- The ongoing "dead" period of solar activity that has been perplexing scientists for the last couple of years has been discovered to be a direct result of human activity here on earth, according to a recent study conducted by the the Institute for Blaming Human Beings for Everything that's Ever Happened Anywhere (IBHBEEHA).

In what they're calling a "scientific consensus," the IBHBEEHA announced, following a detailed study funded by over $84 million in grants and donations from "undisclosed" financiers, that human beings are almost certainly responsible for the lack of sunspots and solar flares normally expected at this point in the solar cycle.

"We've looked extensively at all the data we have available to us," said Allen Fitzgerald, spokesman and lead scientist for the IBHBEEHA. "And the one variable we keep coming back to is human beings. We are the unknown component in the vast equation of solar system machinations, so clearly we're the reason the sun hasn't been acting according to expectations. I don't know. . . maybe we have too many satellites circling the earth, reflecting too much of the sun's warmth back at it, or something. The point is, we're responsible for this, and as good stewards of the solar system, we have to act now, not later."

According to the IBHBEEHA, some of the measures human beings can take to help mitigate the effects of solar inactivity include implementing a system of trading solar credits, limiting our overall solar footprints, and to stop staring at the sun in order to trigger photic sneezing.

"Look, to be honest, we're not exactly sure how photic sneezing is in any way responsible for solar inactivity," said Fitzgerald. "But, it annoys us, okay? Seriously, is it really necessary for you to stare up at the sun in order to get a quick sneezing fix? We don't like it and, quite frankly, we don't imagine the sun likes getting used in such an unnecessary and cheap way. So, just knock it off already."

The two main presidential candidates, who are always asked for comment regarding breaking news like this, for reasons that aren't entirely clear to the vast majority of Americans and a pretty good number of Nigerians, expressed concern over the idea of "anthropogenic solar change."

Senator John McCain, the Republican presidential candidate, said, "I've known the sun my whole life. I remember when the sun was little more than a speck of dust in the sky, gathering other specks and other specks until it had enough specks and mass to ignite the nuclear fusion engine that powers so much of our solar system today. Yeah, damn it, I'm that frickin' old."

"I think this is an audacious moment, a hopeful moment," added Senator Barack Obama, the Democrat candidate for president. "As with any hopefully audacious moment, I think we should act decisively to save our sun, probably through a tax of some sort, maybe a 'photosynthesis tax,' something like that."

IBHBEEHA spokesman Fitzgerald said a "photosynthesis tax" would be a good first step, provided a large portion of the revenue would be be used to further IBHBEEHA research.

Posted by Ryan at 05:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Bibbledy bobbledy boo

Caroline says: You should wear this WITH the headphones that were on your desk this morning. http://www.businessbib.net/

Ryan says: Okay, that thing is so full of WIN it makes my head hurt.

Caroline says: Right?!

Ryan says: It's the serious model face that really completes it.

Caroline says: Kind of makes you wonder what the inspiration was for that face. "Work it, work it ... er, half work it, half work it ... "

Ryan says: "Show me business bib. . . more bib! Damnit, give me bib!"

Caroline says: He does give good bib.

Ryan says: You would know. . .

Ryan says: Bib whore.

Caroline says: The truth. It hurts.

Ryan says: Slip you a little halfsuit, and you're putty in a man's hands.

Caroline says: Mmmm, bib putty.

Posted by Ryan at 02:57 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Short and Sweet

Ryan says: You want the headline of the day?

Caroline says: yes

Ryan says: "Yankees' Wang Sprains Foot in Win"

Caroline says: Too.Many.Jokes.At.Once.

Ryan says: It really is a cornucopia of innuendo and hilariousness.

Caroline says: InYOURendo.

Ryan says: I KNEW that was coming.

Caroline says: Did not.

Posted by Ryan at 08:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 13, 2008

Lining up around the block just to get one

Obviously, I'm still pretty new to the upgraded writing gig, and I'm still learning how to write and edit in a world of completely unfamiliar lingo. However, I've had a few good laughs, at least to myself, while working my way through editing/writing assignments.

Yesterday, for example, I was working away when I encountered the following turn of phrase:

In perineal surgery, doctors make an incision between the anus and the scrotum. This approach is not as popular as the retropubic procedure.

Not as popular, eh? A good old scalpel to the taint just doesn't bring 'em through the doors like it used to. Why, I remember a time when a jabbed taint and a good strong cup of coffee was just what you needed to get your day started; called it a "Taint -n- Go," if I recall correctly.

That retropubic procedure just went and spoiled EVERYTHING.

Posted by Ryan at 01:39 PM | Comments (17) | TrackBack

June 11, 2008

Zip It

As part of my new employment position, I'm expected to adhere to a "dress code." Now, I've been an extreme adversary to dress codes pretty much all my life. I've traditionally viewed dress codes as a controlling business model construct designed to ensure conformity and obeisance, which is a wordy way of saying I prefer jeans and tee-shirts.

But now I understand adhering to a dress code can mean more money, so I'm okay with it.

The thing is, my wardrobe, if it can be called that, has been particularly anemic when it comes to more formal attire; it's chock full of jeans, cargo pants and tee-shirts, but collared long sleeved shirts, dockers and ties typically inhabited only a small corner of my closet, worn infrequently during formal events.

So I've been experiencing a sort of metrosexual learning curve, so to speak, over the past couple of weeks. I've been purchasing dress shirts, and ties, and pants that have things called "pleats," which I can only assume are the leg equivalent of "gusset plates." In other words, I guess you could say I'm being forced, by salary dictate, to grow up.

One thing I've noticed about more formal dress clothes is they are chock full of completely unnecessary features. A couple pairs of my dress pants, for example, come equipped with TWO buttons, in addition to a zipper. Seriously, what possible purpose does the second button serve? I'm pretty sure the pants will remain at hip height if secured with only one button and a zipper. But, no, somehow, somewhere, a Prada-wearing devil decided two buttons should be the required norm, even though BOTH buttons will be obscured by a belt, which also isn't necessary, but has been deemed a required accessory by the fashionazis of the world.

I'd probably be okay with the two-button pants paradigm, but what I've discovered is, after laboring to secure both buttons following a good urination session, I tend to forget about the zipper. I've been programmed, thanks to many consecutive years of wearing jeans, to think "button, zipper, done." Now, of course, I have to think in terms of "button, button, zipper, done," which just doesn't compute quite yet, so I tend to favor a hybrid model of "button, button, done." Obviously, the hybrid model COMPLETELY disses the zipper, so I routinely find myself looking down at my pants at some point during the day and realizing "Oh, CRAP! MY ZIPPER'S DOWN! How long have I been walking around like this?"

It's at that point that I just kind of stand there and think about all the important people I've spoken with since my last pee, and waves of embarrassment wash over me like a hot bath, all of which would NEVER happen if I had simply been allowed to wear jeans and a tee shirt.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think my zipper's down. . .

Posted by Ryan at 03:52 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 10, 2008

I'm Sure the Whole Internet Has Linked to This By Now

So I suppose I should too.

UPDATE: Of course Caroline and I had to weigh in on this important issue.

Ryan says: That is singularly disturbing.

Ryan says: Too bad his parents weren't named Wang or Dong.

Caroline says: X. Tra Wang

Ryan says: *snort*

Caroline says: I hope you really snorted.

Ryan says: Back Wang sounds like an electric guitar accessory.

Ryan says: I did. I stifled a snort.

Caroline says: Snort stiflin' bastard

Ryan says: "This Is Spinal Wang!"

Caroline says: Ooooh, I get it. It's funny because it's a wang on his spine!

Ryan says: Right! Right! You're following now!

Ryan says: "Welcome to Thoracic Pork!"

Caroline says: No fair using your newly acquired medical powers.

Ryan says: I bet his future "friends" will give him a good ribbing about this. . .

Caroline says: Not too good, I hope.

Caroline says: 'Cause ... awk-waaaaaard

Ryan says: Nah, I'll bet they'll have his back. . .

Ryan says: From a distance.

Ryan says: Of about six inches.

Caroline says: Hope they don't mind back woods.

Ryan says: Think he'll have a stiff back?

Ryan says: He'll be called up to work out a problem on the chalkboard, and he'll have to hold a book over his back!

Caroline says: Baby got (extra penis on) back!

Ryan says: How is extra babby penis formed?

Caroline says: Total back boner.

Ryan says: Imagine if doctors one day have to put a rod in his back to help his posture. "Make up your minds, guys! Sheesh!"

Caroline says: Penis back: bad for posture

Ryan says: "I want my penis back, penis back, penis back. . . I want my penis back, penis back, penis back."

Caroline says: I KNEW you were going there.

Ryan says: You're just "sore" because I "beat" you to it.

Caroline says: Wanger

Ryan says: "Wang's World"

Caroline says: You're the wang beneath my wings

Ryan says: Wing Wangs!

Caroline says: Buffalo Wing Wangs

Ryan says: Extra meaty.

Posted by Ryan at 01:53 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Lotion up the Dong

Ryan says: Side benefit to working here: All the Hand Antiseptic/Moisturizer you could possibly ever use.

Ryan says: They keep it stocked in the supply closets.

Caroline says: Yes, you've mentioned this before. You must be uber excited about it.

Ryan says: HELLO! LOTION!

Ryan says: Can't believe you of all people would be dissing the lotion.

Caroline says: What happened to HELLO! KITTY!

Ryan says: Dissing the lotion would be a great euphemism for. . .

Caroline says: I"m not dissing lotion. I'm merely telling you that you told me about it last week. Hence, I suspect you are quite excited about the lotion.

Ryan says: Free badge retracting yo-yo thingees, too.

Caroline says: It's hard not to get excited about that, for sure.

Ryan says: Did I mention the name of one of my fellow orientation new hires who was at the same table?

Caroline says: I don't believe you did.

Ryan says: Dean Kong.

Caroline says: That. Is. Fab.

Ryan says: I almost lost my shit when I said it to myself, but transposed the D and K.

Caroline says: One is known to lose their shit because of Kean Dong.

Ryan says: One hopes not to lose their shit ON a kean dong.

Caroline says: Some people are into that

Ryan says: So I've heard.

Posted by Ryan at 01:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Not Quite Footprints In the Sand

I walked to a local Subway restaurant from my office this afternoon. On the way back, sandwich in hand, I encountered, crumpled in the dust on the side of the road, a pair of women's yellow thong underwear. A little further down the road, there was an empty miniature bottle of Listerine. Further still, a condom wrapper. And finally! A used condom.

I'm not saying all the items were somehow related, necessarily, but a man could come up with a fairly entertaining narrative to connect them all, if he were so inclined.

I'm so inclined. . .

Posted by Ryan at 12:49 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

June 07, 2008

HA!!!!!!!!!

GO HERE. NOW. I MEAN IT!

Posted by Ryan at 08:49 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 06, 2008

Because Nick Coleman Still Has Shit For Brains

It's always nice to see someone else pointing out what a dour poopy pants Nick Coleman is and always will be.

Nick Coleman: reason number. . . well, probably in the top ten at least, why the Star-Tribune is imploding in around itself.

Posted by Ryan at 07:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Random Friday Thought and Link

I just received a spam e-mail from "General Zyrtec." I THINK they meant "Generic Zyrtec." I think General Zyrtec is much cooler though. General Zyrtec bravely leads the armies of Nod into battle to do Kane's bidding.

Wow, apologies for that mega-geek out.

Here's a most hilarious Onion article, found via David Grenier and his original blog to ignore.

Posted by Ryan at 02:31 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

What I Learned During My First Week In the New Job

I can tell you all sorts of fascinating things about "benign adrenal tumors," if you were so inclined to ask. Also, I've learning about "Cushing's disease," and I'm now familiarizing myself with the world of "adrenalectomies."

Is it more interesting than information technology (IT) writing? I'm not sure yet.

Pays more though.

Posted by Ryan at 01:58 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 05, 2008

I are Serious Guy; This is Serious Post

The thing about starting a new job is, everything just becomes too darned serious. It's hard to think up silly things to write about when I'm perpetually inundated with all sorts of new and serious job responsibilities and meeting all sorts of new and serious people.

I'm exaggerating, of course; not everyone is all serious and all business, but when everything is basically brand new and unknown, I tend to slap a label of seriousness on it all whether it's warranted or not, which is totally out of character for me. I mean, here I am in a job where I'm likely to get to write about colons and rectums and anuses and all sorts of other medical terminology that typically can get me giggling in unfetterred glee. I should be in potty talk heaven!

As an aside, I think "Potty Talk Heaven" could very well be the most awesome imaginary locale ever conceived by any one man. There should at least be a movie made titled "Potty Talk Heaven," probably starring Steve Martin.

But, alas, no, for right now, it's all super serious; I have to put the rectums on hold, so to speak, for the time being. Any passing reference to irritable bowel syndrome will have to go un-laughed at until such time that I'm comfortable in my new professional position.

I think part of the problem right now is the new dress code I have to adhere to. There's something about wearing khaki pants, a dress shirt and tie that makes me feel as though I should just be serious by default; it's been my experience that a dress shirt and tie is usually reserved for serious events, like graduations, job interviews or funerals (all in the same day!), so maybe I'm inhibited by personal experience to think only serious thoughts whilst dressed in semi-formal attire.

Then again, maybe it's the new ID badge that has me all serious. I usually despise having to wear name tags or badges--they're conformist tools of the MAN, man--but I actually look pretty good in my new badge picture, by which I mean I still look like a serial killer, but my smile indicates I'm a serial killer with a heart in the right place (tacked up above my bed!).

Or, maybe it's my cubicle office space that has me in such a serious state of mind. They should be funny things, cubicles, because they look like workers just abandoned wall construction halfway through the job, but they have this serious effect on me, an effect that says "you should maybe stop scratching yourself like that; a tall person might see you."

Whatever the reason, I'm all about being serious right now, so I apologize for the lack of my usual whimsical observations. I'm sure they'll all come back to me in time.

Maybe if I spend a couple days in "Potty Talk Heaven". . .

Posted by Ryan at 12:08 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 04, 2008

And In This Corner, It's a Dying Newspaper

One of the primary reasons readers are abandoning many newspapers in droves, I believe, is because, while newspaper reporters and editorial writers are generally decent writers (Nick Coleman being a notable exception), they're woefully uninformed or just plain lazy about researching many, if not most, of the topics they tend to complain and blather about.

Take this "editorial" about Ultimate Fighting, for example:

The old line about going to a boxing match and a hockey game breaking out got a new twist Saturday night. Primetime viewers could turn to NBC to watch Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Detroit Red Wings, or flip to CBS for mixed martial arts, the hot fighting sport that has fought its way from obscurity and condemnation to primetime prominence.

Condemnation by who, again? Oh, right, uninformed, lazy people who see two men agreeing to fight in a cage, and who subsequently pen pants peeing opinion and editorial pieces bemoaning society's descent into gladiatorial bloodbaths. You can almost sense a whiff of this editorial writer's disbelief that ultimate fighting has managed to climb to prominence despite the best efforts of the benighted souls hired to condemn that which they clearly have made no attempt to actually understand.

It's telling that most of momentum driving ultimate fighting and similar fighting venue has come about due to wildly popular online sites and forums like Sherdog.com, MMAJunkie.com and many, many more. These are knowledgeable areas where people gather to meticulously discuss all sorts of areas of Ultimate Fighting and mixed martial arts. These sites and forums all sprang up as an alternative to the mainstream media, which has largely written off the sport as base barbarism. In other words, media disdain and cluelessness resulted in dozens, if not hundreds of online alternatives, with thousands and thousands of readers eschewing nattering couch fainting alarmism in favor of informed, rational discussion.

Nationally, viewers preferred watching the MMA's cage matches over hockey. Locally, however, the state of hockey upheld its heritage, and the Stanley Cup Finals won the ratings race.

Give it time. . . that will change.

Those concerned over violence in sports, let alone in society, will shudder to think that the National Hockey League is now the safer, more regulated option.

Bullshit! Ultimate fighting and MMA events are becoming more and more regulated, often by state althletic and boxing commissions. If anything, it's MORE regulated than hockey.

Of course, sports evolves along with the rest of society, as what was once back alley is now Main Street: Rapper Snoop Dogg, once acquitted of murder charges, does a Chrysler commercial with Lee Iacocca. In sports, the bad-boy image of snowboarding is forgotten as "our boys and girls" win Olympic medals.

I have no idea what point that paragraph was trying to convey.

The ratings results have to thrill CBS, which avoids the spiraling fees networks negotiate for the right to telecast most sports. Conversely, it has to concern NBC, which two months from now will broadcast the summer Olympic games from Beijing. After all, how does a network market fencing when an audience's tastes run more toward knife fights?

Oh, for the love of Jeebus. Really? Knife fights? That's the hyperbole they ran with? I take it back; editorial writers aren't, for the most part, decent writers. . . they're white-knuckled, societal chicken littles penning pointless twaddle.

Posted by Ryan at 08:52 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Oh, hey. . . MSN TOO!

Ryan says: My badge photo is quite dashing, if I do say so myself.

Caroline says: Of course

Ryan says: Not as "West Virginia Kid Toucher" as my IBM photo.

Caroline says: Oh, totally. Is it more "Kentucky Kid Toucher" now? More sophisticated?

Ryan says: Ya'll ain't kiddin'.

Posted by Ryan at 03:03 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 03, 2008

So far, so good

Well, my transition from IBM employee to Mayo Clinic employee is going fairly well. I just completed a two day orientation program that, though admittedly eye-rolling at times, was a pretty good introduction to Mayo.

I found out today I won't be working at any downtown facilities, so all my parking concerns dissipated once it was revealed I'd be working at a remote facility that's located maybe about a half mile away from the IBM buildings where I used to work. It was a most pleasant surprise.

Obviously, blogging continues to play a secondary role. I'm absorbing a lot of information daily, and to say I don't have anything in the way of a "routine" yet would be a severe understatement.

Posted by Ryan at 08:18 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 01, 2008

Going Batty

A good friend and former college roommate of mine asked me to dress up as Batman for his son's third birthday yesterday. His son was a little intimidated, but I think it was a pretty good costume for $50.

batman.JPG

Posted by Ryan at 03:48 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack
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