May 31, 2013

Sometimes, blonde is as blonde does

Not to perpetuate the blonde stereotype, or anything like that, but I rode my bike to Kwik Trip this morning, intending to inflate the tires, but there was a blonde woman in front of me at the "free air" dispenser (she was cute, don't get me wrong), and she was circling her baby stroller over and over, apparently trying to find the air nozzles. I finally said "Ma'am, Ma'am, MA'AM!!? Those are plastic tires, they don't inflate!" She gave me a look that read "pissed off at random man" and "embarrassed as holy shit" before putting the stroller back in her minivan and driving away. I hope as hell she knows how to secure a child seat, but hoping only goes so far.

Posted by Ryan at 09:32 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 28, 2013

Politically Bored to Tears

I've decided I want politics to be just one-fourth as interesting as they're made out to be by most media outlets.

Let me just lay it out for you as plainly as I can: POLITICS IS BORING. I mean, it's "watching your fingernails grow" boring. It's "any Ryan Reynolds movie" boring. Politics is SO BORING, if you pay enough attention to it, your brains will actually leak from your ears and try finding a new cranial host that has more interesting pursuits. That's the reason most politicians seem so dumb, by the way. It's SCIENCE!

I realize politics serves a purpose but, so does a diaper. Whatever purpose politics serves, I'm here to tell you it's an entirely boring one. I've honestly tried to watch C-SPAN on occasion, and even my television asked me to change the channel. On a more micro level, I've sat in on enough city council meetings to know firsthand they're more often than not face-meltingly boring. I've looked at my watch during city council meetings and actually witnessed time going backwards.


Yet, whenever I watch the news or read something about politics, it all sounds inexplicably fascinating.

I mean, there are all sorts of headlines like "BOEHNER SLAMS OBAMA" or "OBAMA RIPS CRITICS" or "MCCAIN DRINKS THE BLOOD OF HIS POLITICAL ENEMIES." If media headlines and lead paragraphs were to be taken literally, one would be forgiven for thinking politics is more interesting than an Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) free-for-all. Can you imagine Boehner actually "slamming" Obama like a professional wrestler dropping an opponent over a bended knee? Me neither; at the very least, Boehner would throw his back out even attempting such a physical impossibility, and that's even IF Boehner could get close enough to Obama to attempt a slam without the secret service stepping in and beating him to within an inch of his life.

The verbs used by so many media outlets is just plain overdone. "Slams!" "Rips!" "Decimates!" "Sodomizes!" "Disembowels!" "Global Warms!" It's politics, for crying out loud; nothing even remotely close to any of that actually happens. Looking at most politicians, about the most action you can expect to see might be "eats food through a straw."

I understand why media outlets resort to such hyperbole. After all, "Obama destroyed his opposition" sounds a lot better than "Obama utilized an arcane parliamentary procedure no one has ever heard of--and some people aren't even sure actually exists--to advance a section of a bill no one cares about, in what his opponents are calling 'Yawn, what time is it? Should we order Applebees?'"

The last time I was even mildly interested in politics was back when Clinton was impeached for lying under oath about having "sexual relations, with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky," and even THAT was boring.

Think about that for second: politics makes even sex boring.

That's just sad.

Posted by Ryan at 01:07 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 23, 2013

I know art when I see it

In the ongoing craziness that is our store, I went to pick up furniture yesterday and, in the warehouse, there was this life-size, folk art fabric representation of Michaelangelo's "David." Except it was a REALLY BAD representation, as you would expect from a fabric representation of any of Michelangelo's work. And, it was decapitated, with the head at the base, the eyes looking far off. Or maybe the eyes were focusing on the fact the pubic hair was made of auburn yarn, and the penis was HUGE. I wouldn't have even noticed this last detail, because the old ladies who manage the warehouse had covered the groin with a dish towel, but I dislodged the towel when I moved the statue to get at a headboard that was behind it, and the old ladies looked away like they were staring into the sun, and I tried to use "David's" massive fabric hands to secure the dishtowel back over "David's" penis, and it was just all terribly awkward and stressful at the time, but now it's really quite funny.

Posted by Ryan at 02:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 21, 2013

Indoor to Outdoor

Pet ownership can be a delicate balancing act. On the one hand, pets are cute and often fluffy; on the other hand, they’re basically disgusting. When they’re not being cute, chances are good something’s coming out one or both ends, or they’re getting sick, or they’re leaving tufts of hair everywhere.

That’s not to say all of the above doesn’t equally apply to humans, but we cut humans more slack because, let’s face it, we’re flat out better than all other animals combined.

In our household, two cats have roamed the rooms since 2004. They were cute when we acquired them, and they were adequately fluffy for our petting needs, but they’ve gotten progressively more disgusting as the years have gone by. And, yes, I know that applies to humans just as equally.

I’m not sure when I just became accustomed to the late night sound of a cat in the living room making “hork, hork, hork, HORK!” sounds before letting loose a hot pile of partially digested Iams, but I did—it just became part of the rhythm of the house, just as the sound of me cussing a mean streak when I stepped in said cat hork became an expected note in the symphony of domestic tranquility. My wife was even more accustomed to cat vomit than me, probably because, for her, encountering a pile of cat sick only involved her saying “Honey! There’s cat puke for you to clean!”

Conveniently—around the time my wife got pregnant with our first child—she read an article that said pregnant women should not breathe cat litter dust—how they determined this was not explained—which means she hasn’t touched a litter box for nearly five years now. Oh, sure, she’s not pregnant any more, but it’s best not to take chances, particularly when there’s a perfectly good cat hork cleaner in the house who is more than capable of adding litter box cleaning detail to his list of disgusting things he’s expected to do. That would be me, by the way, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, about a year ago, one of the cats just up and decided that the litter box was not a worthy receptacle for his urinary awesomeness, so he started urinating everywhere BUT the litter box. According to the vet, some cats don’t like the feel of cat litter in their paws—who does, really?—so they’ll start urinating elsewhere. Everywhere elsewhere. And, the thing about cat urine is it smells incredibly bad, especially when it’s on a pillow you use to cover your eyes at night. It smells just as bad when it’s been sitting in a pool on the kids’ inflatable bounce house, and then you go to inflate said bounce house and it makes the house smell like we’re cooking rancid ammonia for the fun of it.

All of this was at least tolerable, in a “why are we tolerating this?” sort of way, but then about a month ago, the cat that likes to urinate everywhere started urinating blood. I researched the matter and wasn’t all that surprised to learn that cats shouldn’t probably be urinating blood. So, off to the vet I went. I brought the cats with, because going to the vet without animals would have been a bit awkward. It turned out, both cats had urinary tract infections, which isn’t all that uncommon for older cats, and was in keeping with the “animals get more disgusting as they age” rule I outlined earlier.

After having the appropriate shots administered to keep the cats from urinating further blood, and the appropriate amount of money was transferred from my bank account to the vet’s, my wife and I had to have a talk. Sure, the cats weren’t urinating blood, but they both seemed to agree the vet visit was more than enough reason to increase their proclivity to urinate everywhere that’s not the litter box.

So, we have two outdoor cats now.

Posted by Ryan at 10:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
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