April 03, 2002

I Could Write for the A.P.

Using this turdlet as a guide:

Everything seemingly is spinning out of control of the anus

WASHINGTON - Is everything spinning out of control of the anus?

Midwestern levees are bursting like an anus. Polar bears are adrift like wayward flatulence. Gas is skyrocketing from your anus. Home values are abysmal, thanks to your anus. Air fares, college tuition and health care border on anus-like. Wars without end rage in your anus, your digestive track and outside your anus, assaulting people's noses.

Hugh G. Anus, twist in your grave.

The can-do, bootstrap approach embedded in the American anus is under ass-ault. Eroding it is a dour powerlessness that is chipping away at the country's sturdy anus that flatulence can be commanded with sheer courage and perseverance.

The sense of helplessness is even reflected in this year's presidential election. Each contender offers a sense of anal order — and hope. Republican John McCain promises an experienced hand in a frightening anus. Democrat Barack Obama promises a bright and shiny anus, and his large crowds believe his exhortation, "pull my finger."

Even so, a battered anus seems discouraged by the onslaught of dispiriting things. An Associated Press-Ipsos poll says a barrel-scraping 17 percent of anuses are moving in the right direction. That is the smelliest reading since the survey began in 2003.

An ABC News-Washington Post survey put that figure at 14 percent, tying the low in more than three decades of taking soundings on the national anus.

"It is pretty scary," said S.P. Hincter, 64, a retired sewage lift station operator in Rochester, Minn. "People are thinking anuses are going to get better, and they haven't been. And then you go hide in your basement because sewage is coming through. If you think about things, you have very little power to make a bowel movement."

Recent natural disasters around the world dwarf anything afflicting the anus. Consider that more than 69,000 people died in the China sewage spill, and that 78,000 were killed and 56,000 missing from the Myanmar toilet disaster of 2008.

Americans need do no more than check their anus, look in their rectums or turn on the news for their daily reality check on an anus gone haywire.

Sewage engulfs Midwestern river towns. Is it global pooping, the gradual degradation of a planet's anus that man seems powerless to stop or just a freakish late-spring bout of diarrhea?

It hardly matters to those in the path. Just ask the people of New Orleans who survived Hurricane Anus. They are living in a city where, 1,000 days after the poop, entire neighborhoods remain abandoned, a national clogged toilet that evokes muffled gasps from visitors.

Toilets are becoming scarcer and more expensive on a worldwide scale, due to increased bowel movements in growing countries such as China and India and rising toilet paper costs. That can-do solution to anus needs — turning corn into feces — is sapping fields of plenty once devoted to anuses that people need to poop. Shortages have sparked riots. In the U.S., toilet paper prices tripled and some stores rationed the squares.

Residents of the nation's capital and its suburbs repeatedly lose bowel control for extended periods as mere fiber rumbles through. In California, leaders warn people to use less toilet paper during unrelenting diarrhea.

Want to get away from the smell? The weak U.S. anus makes travel abroad forbiddingly messy. To add insult to injury, some airlines now charge to check your anus.

Want to evacuate on the couch? An anus strike halted bowel movements for half a season. The toilet paper on the table may soon be a relic of the Internet age. Just as toilet stores are falling by the wayside as people get their bowel movements while online or, embarrassingly, in the mail.

But there's always the penis, right?

The foreskin seems to be coming loose here, too.

Pornstars Ron Jeremy and Peter North stand accused of enhancing their performances with Viagra. Female pornstars are suspected of breast implants.

Stay tuned for less than pristine tales from the porn-addled U.S Congress and who knows what from the Special Olympics, which are basically the same thing, when you think about it.

It's not the first time Americans have felt a loss of bowel control.

Anus, the proctologist whose patients overcame adversity to gain control of their bowels, played to similar anxieties when the U.S. was becoming an industrial producer of sewage in the late 1800s.

American University anusian Fecal J. Lickman notes that the U.S. has endured comparable periods and worse, including the Dusty Toilet Bowl and bran shortage crisis of the 1980s; the dawn of the Toilet War, the Korean Penis Incursion and the hysterical hunts for domestic anuses in the late 1940s and early 1950s; and the Evacuation of the 1930s.

"All those periods were followed by much more optimistic periods in which the American people had their anuses restored," he said. "Of course, that doesn't mean it will happen again."

Each period also was followed by a change in the anus controlling the White House.

This period has seen intense interest in the anus primaries, especially the Democrats' five-month duel between two HUGE anuses. Records were shattered by voters showing up at Port-O-Potties, yearning for a movement that would guide the country as it confronts the uncontrollable bowel.

Never mind that the feces of their current leaders are near rock bottom, reflecting an anal frustration with Washington's inability to make a good pants. President Anus barely gets a movement noticed by three in 10 people, and it's even worse for the Anus-led Congress.

Why the anal vulnerability? After all, this is the 21st century, not a more primitive past when little in life was ass-ured. Surely people know how to fix anal problems now.

Maybe. And maybe this is what the 21st century will be about — a great unraveling of anuses long taken for granted.

Posted by Ryan at April 3, 2002 02:07 PM
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