I drink a lot of Diet Pepsi. As in, I drink a disturbing amount of Diet Pepsi. I drink so much Diet Pepsi, I’m pretty sure I sweat Diet Pepsi.
I really, REALLY started to appreciate just how much Diet Pepsi I drink when I arrived for work in our store last week, and there was a voicemail waiting on our phone left by the people from the store across the street. The message informed me they had received a new shipment of Diet Pepsi.
I should note here: the store across the street from our store is a flower shop.
To reiterate: I drink so much Diet Pepsi, the FLOWER SHOP across the street left a message at our store informing me they had a new shipment of Diet Pepsi. I apparently represent enough of their business to warrant a courtesy call. Sure, they deal primarily with seeds, flowers, shrubs and topiaries, but I’m the Diet Pepsi guy who REALLY pays the bills.
While I genuinely appreciated the courtesy call, I had to inform the flower shop that I wouldn’t be requiring their Diet Pepsi services for awhile because. . . I had just recently won a year’s supply worth of Diet Pepsi. That’s because, I drink so much Diet Pepsi, I entered a bunch of Diet Pepsi codes over the course of about two months, and one of the prizes I won was a year’s supply worth of Diet Pepsi.
You’ll notice I wrote “ONE of the prizes I won.” I wrote that specifically because I won SEVERAL different prizes over the course of about two months. In fact, a quick tally of the prizes I won includes:
- A year’s supply worth of Diet Pepsi: WHICH, technically, was 48 coupons, each good for a free 12-pack of cans of the Pepsi product of my choice. To most mortals, that may sound like a lot, but for me that’s woefully disappointing and will only actually last me a couple months, at most.
- A huge Pepsi beach towel: I don’t even live anywhere near a beach but, hey, FREE TOWEL!
- A Pepsi tee-shirt: Because you can never have too many tee-shirts.
- A Pepsi baseball cap: Because my son might enjoy wearing it some day.
- A Pepsi tote bag: I don’t even tote things, but whatever.
- ANOTHER Pepsi tote bag: Because if you’re not going to tote anything, you might as well do it twice as much.
- A Pepsi serving tray custom designed by some guy named Vern Yip: This could very well end up being the most useless thing I’ve ever won.
- A Pepsi Frisbee target game: Just in time for winter!
Keeping in mind, the preceding list represents just a single contest. Over the last six years, I’ve also won 46 Major League Baseball caps—I won so many of those caps, I sent one out to practically everyone I know and don’t know—a Flip video camera, $260 worth of $20 checks from Pepsi, and a Microsoft Zune (making me about the only person in the universe who actually owns a Zune).
Come to think of it, about the only thing I haven’t yet won from Pepsi is a car, and that’s probably just because I didn’t drink QUITE enough Diet Pepsi.
But, hey, if you’re a Pepsi executive reading this right now, I’ll totally accept a car from you. I’m not picky.
Obviously.
Whilst changing Zoey's diaper this morning, the doorbell rang, sending Aiden into a rendition of "DAD! Door!" that would have made a barking rottweiler seem pleasant. I answered the door with Zoey clutched in the crook of my arm and Aiden peering between my legs, and was confronted by two older ladies, one of whom asked: "Do you have any questions about God you'd like answered?"
Wow. Now THERE'S a list I'd like to tackle, but not with two strange ladies camped on my stoop, thank you very much.
"Nothing comes to mind off the top of my head," I lied, impatiently.
"Could I read you a Bible passage I think you'd find enlightening?"
Keep in mind, I was standing there with a toddler in my arms and another one between my legs. You know, the PERFECT time for an impromptu Bible reading. Perhaps she could also enthrall me with a few chapters from "War and Peace" while she's at it.
"No, I really don't have the time."
"Oh, I understand. Perhaps you'll take this booklet that answers some common questions? There's a chapter about why God allows bad things to happen."
"OK, fine. Look, I have to go."
"BYE BYE!" said Zoey, while waving her hands, which summed up my thinking perfectly.
Now, I'm a relentlessly introverted guy, so interactions like this irritate me more than a naked roll through burning nettles. Typically, I don't even answer the door when strangers darken it, but I stupidly assumed two old ladies wouldn't turn out to be strident God botherers.
More generally, why can't people be allowed to discover and explore religion on their own terms? I mean, I have my own general framework when considering religious mysteries, and it's most certainly not going to be swayed in the least by two senior citizen females standing in my front door orating a Bible passage. Their apparent indifference to my impatient children making my life harried certainly didn't help matters any.
And, finally, why does this kind of thing never happen to my wife when she's watching the kids?
