October 26, 2012
Mmm, Those sweet Youth-Glands
Before Ritalin, before Sudoku, there was "Youth-Gland" tablets, chock full of "Glands to Make Dull Kids Bright." Says one Dr. Bruner: "Much has been done with the transplantation of monkey and goat glands for reviving physical functions, and we expect to meet with success in putting new brains into the heads of subnormal children through the exclusive use of a sheep gland diet."
It's SCIENCE!!! You have to love the phrase "Much has been done. . . " The good doctor couldn't be a tad more specific? Well, it's comforting to know the origins of SNL's "goat boy," I guess.
Another excerpt: "Youth-Gland revives the ductless glands by feeding them and you feel this stimulation as surely as you feel revived when you are hungry and give your stomach food."
In our Millennium, we tend to refer to "giving your stomach food" as "eating."
Washing Clothes, The 1921 Way
State of the art clothes washing from 1921! It washes! It wrings! It weighs more than your house! Come the 1980s, these would be converted to accept carbon negative copier sheets in schools nationwide. Check out the adjoining ad. You can almost imagine the Minneapolis Tribune switchboard operators frantically trying to connect an angry "Will-O-Wisp Hair Net" company with the paper's ad department, DEMANDING to know what the HELL happened to their ad!
October 25, 2012
I'm Going to Write a Book
I know, I know; everyone says they're going to write a book--it's the "I'll start working out/dieting on Monday" of the wordsmithing world.
Seriously though. I'm GOING TO WRITE A BOOK.
Okay, ANOTHER book.
That's right, I've already written a book. Two, actually. Not that you've ever heard of either, most likely, but they do exist, as Amazon Kindle creations, which is still in the HAM radio infancy of book publishing. But! Amazon Kindle digital self-publishing sure as hell beats getting rejected by every legacy publisher from New York to San Francisco and all stops in between.
So, yeah, two books.
Obviously, I'm not getting rich off either of those books, but they've both sold copies, and that's more than any publisher rejection got me, so there. Nyahh, nyahh, nyahh.
So, my third book--the one I'm going to write, really--is going to entail some of the stories about my wife and me opening our current store. As the stories originally unfolded, they didn't strike me as at all funny. On the contrary, they struck me as stressful setbacks that cost us money, time and ulcers. In retrospect, however, they did have humorous components that can be fleshed out, hopefully, into. . . CHAPTERS!
My current working title is Thank God We Didn't Build That: Otherwise This Would Be Really Embarrassing.
Perhaps you can see what I did there. . .
October 24, 2012
The Sweet Science of Suing
As I've pointed out countless times on this blog over the years, I'm a journalist. And, because I'm a journalist, I wield certain journalistic powers. For example, I can write something and generally assume I'm right, because nothing journalists write can ever possibly be wrong.
How powerful are journalists? Well, we can actually shape public opinion to the point that admittedly imprecise sciences can eventually be held up as unimpeachable sources of authority.
And, no, I'm not talking about climate scientists here, although you'd be forgiven for thinking that's what I was leading up to. No, I'm talking about the science of seismology--the study of earthquakes. Unfortunately for seismologists, however, at some point they went from simply studying earthquakes to biting off more than they could chew and trying to actually predict earthquakes, and that's when they really stepped in it, so to speak.
This week, PBS science news reported that "Seven people -- six Italian seismologists and a government official -- were found guilty of manslaughter and sentenced to seven years in prison on Monday for failing to warn people of a 6.3 magnitude earthquake that killed more than 300 people."
Now, most reasonable people would correctly surmise such a conviction is a bit excessive, if not downright ridiculous, considering specific earthquake predictions have a success rate of about nothing percent. Sure, seismologists can point to the San Andreas Fault and say something like "An earthquake will probably happen around a 500 mile radius from there, or thereabouts, maybe next week, maybe the week after, but maybe not, we're not really sure," but getting much more specific than that is about as successful as reading pigeon entrails while balancing a Ouija board on your head.
So, convicting seven people for not getting earthquake fainting vapors and inciting panic about an earthquake that may or may not have been impending is a bit questionable, to say the least.
But, I'm a journalist! So, I'm going to write, right here, that ALL imprecise sciences should be held up to the same litigious scrutiny.
Specifically, I'm talking about meteorology.
I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of meteorologists getting to hide behind terms like "partly cloudy" and "partly sunny," and allowing the collective national weather discourse to morph from "blizzard" to "snow event." We need to start holding these so-called "professionals" accountable for their imprecise prognostications! They have the audacity to stand in front of their green screens and tell us via the medium of television that there's a 30 percent chance of rain. What kind of percentage is 30 percent? I'll tell you what kind! That's a COP OUT PERCENTAGE!
NO MORE!
We need to start marching meteorologists into court on a daily basis and convicting them each and every time they can't precisely tell us when to expect very specific weather. It's time to do away with tornado or thunderstorm "watches" and "warnings." If they can't perfectly tell me how much to expect in my water gauge the morning after a hard rain, they need to be clapped into stocks in the city square, with their heads locked and turned to us in shame, their faces pelted with eggs and rotten fruit, while being taunted by schoolchildren.
Thankfully, I'm a journalist, so I'm always right and can never be sued for anything, ever--unlike those meteorology charlatans.
That's a relief.
