Letter sent from King George III of the United Kingdom and Ireland to United States President Thomas Jefferson on March 10, 1804.
To Mr. Thomas Jefferson,
I would like to extend congratulations to you on this most remarkable accomplishment marking the official transfer of what you're calling the "Louisiana Purchase," and I can quite imagine the pride you feel that accompanies the acquisition of such huge. . . tracts of land.
However, as I am king of your former colonial master nation, I feel I should remind you of something most crucial.
If your country has been successful, you didn’t get there on your own. I'll say again, for unnecessary emphasis: you didn’t get there on your own. I’m always tickled by countries who think, "well, it must be because we were just so smart." There are a lot of smart countries out there. "It must be because we worked harder than every other country." Let me admonish you as haughtily as is regally possible — there are a whole bunch of hardworking countries out there.
If your country is successful, another country along the line gave you some help. There was a great preacher somewhere who convinced you to make a pilgrimage to the New World. Somebody helped to create the unbelievable American system that you have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody--the UNITED KINGDOM *hint, hint*--invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a country — you verily didn’t build that. Some other country made that happen. Maritime travel and trade routes didn’t get discovered on their own. His Majesty's fleet mapped and secured those routes so that all the colonies could travel and trade via those routes.
I'm just putting this out there for your consideration, and I would hope you'd show some due deference to the mother nation that made your little upstart country possible in the first place. If you don't, Great Britain very well may come knocking for a little respect in eight years or so.
Cordially and condescendingly yours,
King George III of the United Kingdom and Ireland
Nowadays, I think about diapers A LOT. Even before babies entered my life, I probably thought about diapers more than an average person, but now that I have a one-year-old and a two-year-old in the house, it's safe to say diaper thoughts take up 75 percent of my day.
Of particular concern in our household is the best way to dispose of dirty diapers. You wouldn't think this would require much consideration, but when the kids are filling diapers back-and-forth like a disgusting game of fecal ping-pong, diapers tend to accumulate like magic. I'll notice two dirty diapers on the kitchen counter, for example, and my wife and I will have no recollection as to how they even got there. I've taken to blaming diaper elves, personally.
Lousy diaper elves.
Anyway, back in the days when we only had one child, we relied on a "Diaper Genie," which is basically a plastic tower that functions as a diaper garbage can. Despite its name, the Diaper Genie holds no magical properties and grants no wishes, even though I've wished it was empty several hundred times at least. Whatever its shortcomings, the Diaper Genie served as an acceptable diaper receptacle when we only had one child.
With two diaper-filling competitors in the house, we considered acquiring a second Diaper Genie, but instead my wife purchased a "Diaper Champ." What I liked about the Diaper Champ right away was that it made no false claims to any magical qualities, even though the "Champ" designation does imply some level of competitive advantage--as if it stands atop an awards podium made of diapers, with a golden diaper hanging from it via a lanyard.
The Diaper Genie and the Diaper Champ both have their strengths and weaknesses, which I suppose is the case with all diaper disposal solutions, at least until a "Diaper Ultra Overlord Dragon Slayer" is invented--which I'd totally buy, by the way, even if I didn't have children.
What I like about the Diaper Champ is that it can be loaded with simple garbage bags, as opposed to the Diaper Genie that requires special and fairly expensive Diaper Genie liners. The Diaper Champ also excels at preventing odor escapees due to its innovative up-and-down plunger diaper disposal design. The Diaper Genie, by comparison, issues forth a small vapor plume whenever I step on the foot pedal that opens the device's diaper maw. It's like a burp coming out of some vile creature that has a diet consisting entirely of raw sewage.
However, when it comes to emptying the devices, the Diaper Genie is far superior with its liner cut and tie system, which drastically reduces diaper stink. Emptying the Diaper Champ, by comparison, is like jamming my nose directly into a rhinoceros' buttocks. My two-year-old son loves watching me empty the Diaper Champ, because my loud retching and dry heaving amuses him to a rather disturbing degree.
Such is the diaper situation in our house at this time, and I see no end in sight, at least until my son successfully graduates from Potty Training University, or until I invent the "Diaper Ultra Overlord Dragon Slayer," which I'll equip with special darts specifically designed to target and kill those lousy diaper elves.
