Rambling Rhodes

The Two Pounder

Zoey tipped the scales today at 2 lbs .5 oz. It's a milestone of sorts, although she could and likely will dip back below the two pound mark over the next couple days. It's the preemie version of a stock market correction.

You wouldn't think the weather would factor into our daily concerns, but it does. During the last interminable cold snap, just the act of getting into the car and driving to the hospital weighed down our ambition. Going to a hospital under the best of circumstances typically isn't a particular joy. Going to a hospital during weather conditions cold enough to crack bone marrow tends to grate on the nerves after awhile.

So, we're poised to embark on a stretch of weather that should be above the freezing point, and that enchirpens the soul, to use a word that doesn't exist, but totally should. In fact, I'm going to try to say "enchirpen" to a complete stranger during the next week, just to see if the person looks a tad more upbeat. I mean, I just said "enchirpen" quietly to myself several times, and I'm feeling pretty close to fantastic.

To reiterate, Zoey is now a two pound baby, which totally enchirpens my day.

The Learning Curve

It's weird to think keeping perpetual watch over a preemie child can become routine, but it does, in a sort of non-routine way. I suppose that doesn't make sense unless you experience it all firsthand.

My wife usually wakes up at 4:30 a.m. to pump and save milk, and I get up at that time to transition to the couch, so she can go back to bed after pumping and not be woken up by me at 6:45 a.m. when I get up with our son. It's an odd early-morning tango that seems to work, at least for the time being.

As I said, I get up with our son, and I spend the next few hours playing with him and preparing his breakfast. Once he's in his high chair, chomping away and watching the NickJr channel, I call the NICU to get a Zoey update. The act of me calling is actually sort of a relief in its own way, because if the NICU calls me. . . well, those just aren't good calls. Thankfully, I haven't had an incoming NICU call for some time. Still, a call to the NICU can be comforting or concerning, depending on a lot of factors I wasn't even remotely familiar with before Christmas.

For example: oxygen levels. I've known for some time earth's normal oxygen level is about 20 percent, but I've never obsessed over that tidbit of information. In the NICU, however, the oxygen percentage is a number I watch like a stock trader.

For a preemie, too much oxygen can actually be quite harmful, but it's also necessary for the blood to maintain a healthy oxygen level, so there's this delicate balancing act constantly going on that can make me nauseous at times. If I come into the room and see an oxygen level at over 60 percent, my mind starts to race, when such a level normally just means Zoey had an apnea spell and needs more oxygen to bring her back up.

"Bring her back up" is a term used to refer to her heart rate, which can dive during an apnea spell like a WWII bomber taking flak. Apnea spells are totally common and expected for preemies on CPAP ventilation, and the nurses treat most spells like they forgot to add a bit of extra sugar to their muffin recipe. When I'm in the room during an apnea spell and see the heart rate plummet, however, I look for a public address microphone to call in a crash cart--not for my daughter, but for me.

There are other terms, like PEEP, which refers to how much pressure is being forced into her CPAP vent which, like golf, is better the lower the number. And, like golf, when I hear a low number, I want to cheer and clap quietly. And, like golf, when I hear a high number, I blame Tiger Woods and his infidelity.

There are other inquiries during the "routine" morning NICU call, like how the morning chest X-ray looked (the term usually used is "cloudy," like we're talking about the weather), or if any blood transfusions are anticipated, and it's all absorbed like I'm calling about a car in the shop.

There's so much more I've learned. Did you know they give preemies caffeine to keep them alert enough to breathe? Take THAT people who said my Diet Pepsi addiction was harming me; I'm BREATHING aren't I?

Also, I've learned, actually relearned, I can love someone so entirely, a part of me will go if they go.

So, Zoey's sticking around, or I'll kick her ass.

Who Put This Bear Here!!

I won't tell you how small that bear actually is. I'll just say, there's no way a human being would otherwise be smaller than the bear.

Basic Yet Tough

I was able to do an hour of Kangaroo Care with Zoey on my chest this afternoon. She did awesome, with only one short apnea spell.

I have to say, unless you've held a baby that weighs less than two pounds--a baby that grasps at your chest and opens her eyes to investigate what's going on--you better have a really excellent argument for why abortion should be legal after a certain point. Like, a really solid, air tight argument.

I'm still not entirely certain what "a certain point" is, but I've definitely had reason to reflect on this particular human quandary over the last several weeks.

I'm not an expert, mind you. I'm just a father who is taking a crash course and is asking himself some basic yet tough questions.

Having Pun with the Egypt Protests

Anyone who has absorbed any amount of global news over the last few weeks knows there are massive protests taking place in the country of Egypt.

As a columnist, I feel it is my duty explain why the Egyptian protests are happening so we as Americans can better understand a people and a country with one of the planet's most rich and storied histories.

As Pharos anyone can tell, the protesters have Ra emotions and want the immediate departure of their president, Hosni Mubarak, who has held his position since 1981. After 30 years, Egyptians believe he's ruled for too long and has become an out-of-touch Giza, although some take it even further.

"He's not just a Giza, he's a total cartouche bag," said protester Ahmed Khalid, 44. "He mastaba lot of nerve, denying the will of the people. How Darius! He's promised us many things over the years, but has always failed to deliver on his promises. In my opinion, Egypt us! He thinks he's above the people, that he's somehow too Khufu school."

Mubarak has steadfastly refused to step down, insisting the protesters are merely part of a great pyramid scheme to oust him from power. In public appearances, Mubarak has been defiant but is clearly showing the strain, with a Horus voice some suspect may be the result of a sore sarcophagus. To assuage his critics, he dissolved his unpopular cabinet, proclaiming "I have let my people go."

"Clearly he's a bit of a Nut, but he's a Tefnut to crack," said protester Mahmoud Shah, 32. "He's been fortunate up until now, but he's pushed his Luxor a bit too far. He repeatedly Ramses unpopular policies through that aren't at all Pharaoh to the people of Egypt. We need to invest in our country's future, but he's too much of a Cheopskate to provide funding."

Although Egyptian protests seem like a rare event, in fact they're not Tutankhamun. These protests, however, have taken up almost all of Mubarak's attention, in addition to a workload that has him Vizier than at any other time during his presidency.

"I Ahmose feel sorry for him sometimes; OK, not really," said protester Mustaf Achmed, 26. "Anubis day would come eventually, and I'm so Hapi to be a part of it all. I don't care what Mubarak Sphinx--he's on his way out."

NOTE: With a hat-tip to LearnedFoot for many of these pun gems.

Annnd, we're up again

After a couple days of Zoey doing less than ideal, she's had an excellent day today. I could get an opportunity to do Kangaroo Care tomorrow. Hopefully, I won't hold her like she's a nuclear device about to explode like I did last time.

Gotta enjoy these good days for everything they're worth.