Rambling Rhodes

Dick Talk

Ryan: Remember when we tried to watch them in your office and pissed off the curmudgeon next door?

Caroline: Ha! Yes. What a dickbag.

Ryan: Dickbag. . . Can you imagine your surprise if you discovered a bag full of dicks? Totally without any background or context.

Caroline: Would I really want background or context? I think that'd make it more disturbing. Like, is this a bag full of dicks that occurred out of happy circumstances or tragic circumstances?

Ryan: Just BAM you step outside and there's this bag on your doorstep, which you open and find it crammed full of severed dicks.

Caroline: Dick Crammed will be a character in our book.

Ryan: You'd probably immediately think "This is probably my husband's bag of dicks."

Caroline: "I'll just put it over here until he gets home from work."

Ryan: Probably would want to put it in the deep freeze or something.

Caroline: Probably. Next to the Vagbag.

Ryan: Oh, so now there's a Vagbag?

Caroline: Why can't there be? Is there some kind of law? Equality for all!

Ryan: A bag full of vaginas would at least be somewhat useful.

Caroline: Mmkay. Let's explore that thought. Sicko. A bag full of "severed" vaginas would be "useful" to you.

Ryan: You could use the vaginas as leg and wrist warmers. Maybe even a headband, if it's a larger severed vagina.

Caroline: That vagina gives good head ...band.

Ryan: But a bag full of dicks? Totally useless.

Caroline: Nonsense!

Ryan: Explain.

Caroline: You could use one as a door stop. Paperweight. Dog/cat toy
Fill that sucker up with catnip!

Ryan: A severed dick would be a terrible door stop.

Caroline: Maybe YOURS would.

Ryan: It would just get all smushed up under the door.

Caroline: Then it's not big enough.

Ryan: Wait. Are you talking erect severed dicks here?

Caroline: Sentences like that make me smile.

Ryan: Because I was thinking about a bag of flaccid severed dicks.

Caroline: how about a bag full of talking erect severed dicks

Ryan: Well, now you're just talking crazy talk.

Caroline: It can happen!

Ryan: What would a severed dick POSSIBLY have to talk about?

Caroline: I can imagine there'd be a lot to talk about. It's troubling being a severed dick.

Ryan: Troubling being a severed dick I can agree with. But wouldn't the dick just be beside itself because it discovered it could talk?

Caroline: Oh, it knew all along.

Ryan: Wait, maybe THAT'S why it got severed.

Caroline: Now we're getting to the bottom of this.

Ryan: I hear when you get to the bottom of a severed dick, you just pop out the other side. Like a worm hole.

Caroline: Peek-a-boo penis

Ryan: Getting back to something you said earlier: why does it have to be an "severed ERECT talking penis?"

Caroline: It just does. Flaccid ones are useless.

Ryan: I can see that argument. Anyway, what would a severed erect talking penis have to say?

Ryan: "Damnit, man, throw me into that Vagbag RIGHT NOW!"

Caroline: "Ouch," for one.

Ryan: It wouldn't say "Ouch," because it would have been removed from the host's nervous system. The former host would no doubt be saying ouch though.

Caroline: You went all nerd boy there.

Ryan: Just shooting for a little biological realism here.

Caroline: I think realism went out the window when this conversation started.

New Jobless Claims Rise, As Expected

Everyone knew this was coming, Labor Departments analysts say, shrug.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Rhodes Media Services -- It came as no surprise to anyone outside of the national press that there was an increase in first-time claims for unemployment aid last week, with Labor Department analysts saying "Yep, what are you gonna do?"

With an almost steady stream of similar increases over the last several months, Americans have largely grown to expect this kind of news, while most news agencies continue to use terms like "unexpectedly," "surprisingly," "Wha?" and "Huh?" when reporting such increases, as if anyone is taking them seriously any more.

One Associated Press (AP) representative, who asked to remain anonymous, indicated they're even entertaining the possiblity of inventing new words and phrases to convey their faux-surprise when such increases are announced.

"We've kicked around some ideas," said the A.P. rep. "We've looked at such lead-ins as 'Rise in new jobless claims consterfabulated the experts,' and 'Analysts were boinkstonishified by the rise in new jobless claims.' We're basically throwing crap against the wall to see what sticks."

Joseph Turner, a 28-year-old unemployed construction worker, who was interviewed just prior to this blog post's deadline, took a much more realistic view of the situation.

"Of course new jobless claims rose," he said. "You'd have to be an idiot to be surprised by this kind of news. Look around. Jesus."

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