July 04, 2009
July 02, 2009
Bill Boyne is a Moron, But I Repeat Myself
In the absence of the regular brain drool dolloped out by Nick Coleman in the past, I've had to search for other writers who shut their neurons off years ago yet continue to write mind-numbingly retarded things. Thankfully, the local Post-Bulletin happens to keep printing the monkey-like yammering of one "Bill Boyne." As far as I can tell, Boyne has never met a point he could adequately address, but this week's contribution to human stupidity sets the bar so low, it's now located under ground.
Bill Boyne: Find ways for illegal aliens to become legal
Right off the bat, in the headline no less, you're pounded over the head with stupefying dumbfoolery. "Find ways for illegal aliens to become legal?" Gosh. Let's see. If only there were SOME WAY for illegal aliens to become legal. If ONLY there was some process illegal immigrant could become legal immigrants NATURALLY. We could even call it: NATURALIZATION.
Illegal immigrants in the United States are facing a new obstacle that could create a serious problem not only for the immigrants themselves but for the entire economy.
They are not just immigrants, they are ILLEGAL immigrants. Hence, by their very title, they are law-breaking intrusives. Therefore, they should be facing as many serious problems as we can possibly put in front of them. Maybe THEN they'll look into coming into this country LEGALLY.
In a little-known program, federal agents are requiring some employers to question their employees to determine whether they are citizens of this country. If they are not, they can be compelled to return to their native countries for 10 years.
Well, not quite. Companies have to determine whether an employee is an ILLEGAL immigrant. You know, someone who used a fake SS number or other fraudulent ID to gain employment. They don't have to be citizens; they have to have entered the country LEGALLY and obtained the proper work visas. I know, it's such a subtle point, so I can see how Boyne missed it so completely and thoroughly.
This can create serious problems not only for the immigrants themselves but for their wives and children.
Gosh, maybe they should have thought of that before they entered the country ILLEGALLY. And be sure to notice how Boyne deftly avoided using the term "illegal" in that sentence. Smooth.
In some cases, the children are citizens because they were born in this country. The wives also usually have jobs that help to support the family.
Yes, the ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT wives. People, please. There is a process for coming to this country legally. Immigrants can even work here and start their own businesses. My jiu-jitsu instructor, for example. He came here from Brazil, through LEGAL channels, and he recently became a full-fledged citizen and everything. Sure, the process can be ponderous and lengthy, but stop pretending there aren't answers already out there.
If the husband is forced to return to Mexico, for instance, it causes an unbearable problem for the whole family.
Oh, cry me a river. Call Boyne a waaahmbulance, STAT. Illegal immigrants know the risks involved when they enter this country illegally. An unbearable problem for the whole family? Well then, come here through the legal route and step around that problem. Gah.
In addition, if the policy were applied to all illegal immigrants it would disrupt the nation's economy because illegal immigrants make up a large portion of the nation's work force.
We're looking at 9.5 percent unemployment right now; I THINK we can probably cart the brunt of illegals back to their legal country of origin and still manage to find workers to fill their jobs. Just a hunch. Sure, sheetrocking sucks, but I'd do it as a temporary job to pay my mortgage until something better comes around, if Heaven forbid it comes to that.
That would be a serious threat because the nation's population -- except for immigrants -- is declining as a result of a low birth rate and the aging of the rest of the work force.
Except for ILLEGAL immigrants, Boyne! Stop being so obtuse, you lousy triangle of a human being.
Some industries are inclined to hire immigrants because they will work for lower wages.
ILLEGAL immigrants! People who are here illegally! If someone were to break into Boyne's house, bop him over the head, and steal his television, he'd probably refer to the thieves as "aggressive house guests."
In some farm areas, growers have had to let crops rot because they could not hire immigrants and were unable to harvest the crops.
ILLEGAL immigrants.
There is a simple solution to the problem. All that is required is a new approach to develop a program by which illegal immigrants can become legal.
Yep. A simple EXISTING solution. Been on the books now for a couple hundred years. There's even a huge statue of . . . liberty. . . or something. . . that stands in honor of good, old-fashioned LEGAL immigration. Granted, the statue's not on the Mexican border, but maybe it should be. A gigantic torch wielding dame with a pointy hat and a stone tablet might actually deter some illegals from jumping the border
Most illegal immigrants work, pay taxes and support their families.
Yep, using illegal IDs that only serve to muck up and already-mucked up tax-system. You think illegals sit down with H&R Block to hash out their W-2s at the start of the year? Think again, lil brudder.
They are not criminals.
They are ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS. Ergo, yes, they ARE criminals.
They can be given a legal status if they learn English and meet other reasonable requirements.
Yes. Reasonable requirements that ALREADY EXIST. Man, I HATE stupid people.
President Obama has recognized the problem and has said he will discuss the issue with members of Congress and seek to develop the necessary legislation by the end of summer.
Shouldn't be too tough. They can all circle around a laptop with WiFi access, and visit this fucking page. Then they can all collectively say "Looks good to me," and get on with actually addressing other problems that don't have solutions that ALREADY EXIST.
The whole country -- not just the immigrants -- would benefit if this can be done successfully.
ILLEGAL immigrants!
The result would be a humane policy for dealing with the issue and a favorable impact on the country's economy.
Yep, if ILLEGAL immigrants would just follow the law that's already on the books for becoming a LEGAL immigrant, we'd have a humane policy that's favorable to the economy. Good to know.
Bill Boyne is a retired publisher and editor of the Post-Bulletin. His weekly column appears on Wednesdays.
In other words, avoid the P-B on Wednesdays if you want to retain your smarter brain cells.
June 29, 2009
The Freshmaker
Ryan: Internet ads have become even more annoying than the pop-up era.
Caroline: yeah, I hate the ones that take over the screen
Ryan: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Caroline: I get so PISSED. F U, weather.com. I don't need this
Ryan: You sit there for five seconds looking for the x close button that doesn't exist.
Caroline: If anything, it makes me NEVER want to try Mentos gum.
Ryan: Mentos has a GUM?!
Caroline: And an annoying ad for it.
Ryan: Is the gum still capable of giving liter bottles of pop a ten foot orgasm?
Caroline: That was probably info in the ad, but I clicked it off.
Ryan: I'm glad I don't have to stick a Manpon applicator up my wang hole.
Caroline: Yeah you are.
Ryan: I think I speak for most men on that.
Caroline: I think you'd be an interesting choice as the "most men" spokesperson.
Ryan: If by "interesting" you mean, "perfect."
Caroline: Aren't those words interchangeable?
Ryan: Nope. "She has a perfect ass" sums it up.
Caroline: Butter face is interesting.
Ryan: "She has an interesting ass," leaves a lot of room for deliberation.
