Okay, so why is it those Microsoft Vista commercials--you know, those commercials where they do the Pepsi Challenge thing, except they call Vista "Mojave--seem to feature Hawaiian music? There's something disconcerting about hearing "Oh, Mojave," apparently being sung by Don Ho.
Says Fiscal Responsibility, Employment Diligence Both Key Concepts
Rochester, Minn. (Rhodes Media Services) -- With much of the country clutching its gut and bleeding from the eyes due to the worst economic decline arguably in the history of all human civilization, one local man says he's "getting along just fine."
As foreclosed houses fall into disrepair and are swallowed whole into the earth by a Mother Nature bent on revenge, and hordes of unemployed masses claw, zombie-like, at the doors of local shelters, Ryan Rhodes, a writer and editor, has managed to stave off the slings and arrows of the outrageous fortune the global economy has unleashed upon us.
Incredibly, records show Mr. Rhodes has not only been able to keep his house, he's actually been paying anywhere from $200 to $500 OVER the minimum monthly mortgage payment for the past three years. Even more unbelievable, he's reportedly been putting enough money away to be able to afford materials and a non-Mexican carpenter for a basement remodeling project.
"Well, I knew that it would probably cost about $4,000 for the initial framing work," said Rhodes, speaking casually on his cell phone, from the place where he's inexplicably employed. "So, I looked at my financial situation, did a little simple math, and put away a little bit of money from every paycheck. You'd be surprised how quickly the money accumulated."
Even as the economy sucks people into its maw like Dante's three-headed Satan in the ninth circle of hell, Rhodes remains irritatingly upbeat, actually apparently hopeful, as he calculates how much he'll have to put away to bring an electrician in once the carpenter has completed his task.
"I figure it won't be more than $5,000, depending on the electrician," said Rhodes, obviously scheming how best to scam struggling electricians in this most dire of times. "I know I'm due for a raise come February, so I may be able to afford carpet earlier than I thought."
Although it defies belief, Rhodes maintains he has never had a credit card account at any point in his 33 years, thereby avoiding the credit trap that caught so many unsuspecting, innocent, completely credit-worthy borrowers.
"I get credit card crap in the mail all the time," said Rhodes. "I've just never had a real compelling need for one yet. I suppose some day I'd consider signing up for one, but so far I've been able to make do with what I have."
As for being able to keep his house during a housing collapse that has decimated entire neighborhoods, Rhodes attributes his success to not taking a home loan he knew he couldn't afford.
"Man, I was actually approved for a mortgage almost twice the amount I ended up getting," said Rhodes. "I looked at the monthly payments and thought 'yeah, right, maybe if I had two part time jobs and gave blood twice a week.' I basically knew what I could afford, and took into consideration the possibility that I may not be making the same amount five years down the line. I eventually got a loan, and a house, that I've been very happy with."
Over the past few months, we've been inundated with term "bailout." Everyone, it seems, has been scrambling for a bailout. We here at "Sandwich of Ruin" have never liked the term "bailout," as it conjures images of using a bucket to empty a sinking ship, without actually addressing the underlying problem that is a MASSIVE LEAK.
Unfortunately, the misgivings aired by our editorial department here at Sandwich of Ruin went unheeded, and the government dolloped a big $700 billion of whipped cream on the steaming turd that is the national financial sector.
And today we learn that some of that bailout money, that bailout money that was so immediately necessary to save our economy, cure cancer and save both the whales AND polar bears. . . is being doled out in the form of fairly lucrative bonuses.
The company (AIG) has told 168 employees they'll receive between $92,500 and $4 million per individual if they stay with the company for one year. That angers some on Capitol Hill.
That angers some on Capitol Hill, eh? Well, you know what? That angers a whole shitload of other people who aren't on Capitol Hill as well, myself included. If you and your employees helped orchestrate the near collapse of your financial institution via unwise lending practices and dabbling in toxic debt, you don't get to saunter up to the public bailout trough and suck down $4 million in "employee retention" goodness. Rather, you thank your lucky-loving stars that you even have a job after helping to drive AIG into a giant pile of FAIL and AIDS.
AIG says it needs its best people to keep its healthy businesses profitable until it can sell them and the company plans to sell 65 percent of its businesses to repay its federal loan and get back on track.
Its "best people?" If these are your best people, what do the slackers look like? You'd think you'd want to be recruiting some fresh talent, rather than keeping in place an old guard that helped create your current crisis.
I know, I know. . . it's never as simple as all this.
Although, sometimes, it actually is.
Just so you know, I'd give my left and middle testicles for a little global warming right about now. Did someone hit the pause button on that shit or something? Does global warming take a vacation during an economic downturn? The wife's car wouldn't even start today, for crying out loud.
