December 16, 2008

And This is Why Bailouts Won't Work

Over the past few months, we've been inundated with term "bailout." Everyone, it seems, has been scrambling for a bailout. We here at "Sandwich of Ruin" have never liked the term "bailout," as it conjures images of using a bucket to empty a sinking ship, without actually addressing the underlying problem that is a MASSIVE LEAK.

Unfortunately, the misgivings aired by our editorial department here at Sandwich of Ruin went unheeded, and the government dolloped a big $700 billion of whipped cream on the steaming turd that is the national financial sector.

And today we learn that some of that bailout money, that bailout money that was so immediately necessary to save our economy, cure cancer and save both the whales AND polar bears. . . is being doled out in the form of fairly lucrative bonuses.

The company (AIG) has told 168 employees they'll receive between $92,500 and $4 million per individual if they stay with the company for one year. That angers some on Capitol Hill.

That angers some on Capitol Hill, eh? Well, you know what? That angers a whole shitload of other people who aren't on Capitol Hill as well, myself included. If you and your employees helped orchestrate the near collapse of your financial institution via unwise lending practices and dabbling in toxic debt, you don't get to saunter up to the public bailout trough and suck down $4 million in "employee retention" goodness. Rather, you thank your lucky-loving stars that you even have a job after helping to drive AIG into a giant pile of FAIL and AIDS.

AIG says it needs its best people to keep its healthy businesses profitable until it can sell them and the company plans to sell 65 percent of its businesses to repay its federal loan and get back on track.

Its "best people?" If these are your best people, what do the slackers look like? You'd think you'd want to be recruiting some fresh talent, rather than keeping in place an old guard that helped create your current crisis.

I know, I know. . . it's never as simple as all this.

Although, sometimes, it actually is.

Posted by Ryan at December 16, 2008 11:19 AM | TrackBack

Where's my fucking bailout?

The asshats at AIG should be fired and prosecuted for fraud against nation. And maybe expelled, back naked, into Canada or the Atlantic ocean.

Posted by: Erik at December 16, 2008 11:57 AM
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