September 26, 2008

Bad Smell Air

Just when I thought the news this week was going to consist entirely of negative, down-in-the-dumps, financial meltdown bringdownery, we're saved by the news that "Charge dropped against man accused of farting."

I just KNOW I'm going to have a hard time writing about this without giggling uncontrollably, but I shall soldier on regardless, because that's the kind of ThunderJournalist I am.

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. - A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer no longer faces a battery charge.

Mmmgff. Gblllgblllll. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He no longer faces a battery charge! Can you imagine getting hit so hard in the face with a fart it actually constitutes battery? Wouldn't it be awesome to see this in the UFC? The fighters circle each other for a few seconds, when suddenly one fighter reaches to his ass, catches and cups a fart, and then throws it at his opponent, knocking him unconscious. That's some top quality fartin' there, Lou.

The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz.

Not to worry, he has plenty of other charges to worry about:

Cruz, of Clarksburg, W. Va., was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station.

And now the story just get's super awesome.

According to a criminal complaint, Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken for a breathalyzer test.

Hey, maybe it's like putting a penny in your mouth to try to fool the machine!

"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.

Some people just have absolutely no sense of humor. I wonder exactly how Patrolman Parsons felt the contact of the fart. Did it make his skin prickle? I wonder if he was more insulted, or provoked. Can you imagine being provoked by a fart? Insulted? Maybe. But provoked? That's some serious fartinating!

Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.

Aim gas at the patrolman? Look, there's only one real way to "aim" fart gas:


If you're fanning a fart, it's more redirecting than it is aiming. I would argue that cupping and throwing isn't really aiming, either.

"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

I feel your pain, man. I. Feel. Your. Pain.

He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.

Drunk, asthmatic and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.

Gas incident? Man, this story is so full of WIN, I can barely handle it. Gas incident. . . Honest, man, it wasn't a fart, it was a GAS INCIDENT. Makes it sound like it's historically important. On this day, in 2008, the nototious Gas Incident took place, claiming the lives of several people and causing hundreds of other people to feel either insulted or, in some cases, provoked.

Cruz, who was arrested Tuesday, still faces two charges: driving under the influence and driving without headlights, and two counts of obstruction.

But, hey, at least that "battery by fart" charge was dropped.

Posted by Ryan at September 26, 2008 11:03 AM | TrackBack

Think how sickeningly rancid that fart must have been for the cop to consider it an assault! Damn! Did you ever see the infrared (I think) video of people walking around and farting all the time? It is damned hilarious. Stupid firewall is preventing me from finding it right now.

Posted by: Erik at September 29, 2008 04:27 PM
StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!