Caroline says: Have you read the latest Coleman?
Ryan says: I started to, but it had absolutely no point, so I gave up.
Caroline says: His columns never have a point.
Ryan says: Yes, but this one was particularly pointless.
Caroline says: But I'm sure the families of the folks he mentions in the column are just so pleased to have it brought up again.
Ryan says: What it must be like to live in his skull; nothing but moaning, moping, the-world-is-broken depressive pabulum.
Caroline says: He's the worst.
Ryan says: That should be his tagline at the Strib.
Ryan says: Nick Coleman: He's The Worst.
Caroline says: Or, or! Interest Level: Zero
Ryan says: No, no. That should be the tag that wraps up each of his columns.
Caroline says: So many tags, so little interest.
It’s time, once again, to delve into the world of news items you no doubt missed thanks to the demands of your high-stress lifestyle. Fortunately, you have me, a marginally humorous ThunderJournalist, who has the time and resources to research news and events that, in my opinion, you absolutely need to know about.
For example, if it weren’t for me and my diligence, you’d probably have gone your whole life without knowing a man escaped from a work release crew by clogging a toilet. That’s right, according to a Dec. 6 Associated Press (AP) news report out of Charlestown, Ind., “An inmate escaped from a work-release crew after he created a distraction with an overflowing toilet, authorities said. Wayne Mitchell, 24, was in the Clark County Jail for a probation-violation warrant, but had been working with a crew clearing roadside trash.”
I’m trying to imagine this scenario playing out in “Shawshank Redemption” sort of way, complete with Morgan Freeman narrating with his oil slick voice:
FREEMAN: I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on Wayne Mitchell. I confess I didn’t think much of him right away; seemed a stiff breeze could have blown him over. That was my first impression of the man. You never would have guessed he was plotting his escape from Clark County Jail the moment he set foot inside. This was a man who knew how to clog a toilet with a rock hammer, and he was going to use that knowledge to gain his freedom.
Back to the article: “When the crew stopped at the Clark County Fraternal Order of Police lodge to eat lunch, Mitchell went into a restroom and clogged a toilet, causing it to overflow, police said. He then came out saying he needed some towels from the jail's van to sop up the mess. ‘The toilet overflowed and the rest of the inmates were trying to clean it up,’ said Maj. Chuck Adams of the Clark County Sheriff's Department.”
Excuse me, but how bad does a toilet have to be clogged that you have an entire work-release detail consisting of several inmates working to clean it up? Was this a super toilet? How was this a multi-man clean-up job, exactly? I mean, come on.
Thankfully, even though Mitchell remains on the lam, there are plenty of other aspiring criminals just waiting to fill such vacancies. Take Jose Sandoval, 26, of DeForest, Wis., who was apprehended by law enforcement officials after breaking into an adult novelty store and making away with several blow-up dolls and “other” items.
According to the Dec. 4, AP report out of Madison, Wis., “DeForest smashed through the front door at Naughty Novelties in Burke last month and stole a talking love doll with a $270 price tag, along with other dolls and items.”
There’s lonely, and there’s really lonely, and there’s really, REALLY lonely, and finally there’s “talking love doll” lonely. Seriously, if you find yourself in bed at night, having a heart-to-heart discussion with a talking love doll, you really should consider eHarmony.com because, man, you’ve hit rock bottom. Oh, and if you do score a date, you totally better not mention that doll. In fact, get rid of it all together.
You could try flushing it.
It's been awhile since I've seen a good rant against bloggers/ThunderJournalists by someone in the hallowed realm of established, "respected," journalism. BUT HERE'S A DOOZY:
==On if he considers going back to newspapers, or whether it's a dying industry:
"I don't believe that. All the newspaper industry has to do is connect itself better with the Internet and guess what? People will read the newsaper on the Internet, not rely so much on the paper copy and get with the Internet age more so than it has. The foundation of the newspaper business... should never die. We shoud do all we can possible to make sure it lives in perpetuity because it’s extremely important with everything. It keeps radio and television on their ps and qs.
Okay, so far, I'm following him. I don't think he's EXACTLY right, necessarily, but he's at least being reasonable. Then there's this:
"And when you look at the Internet business, what’s dangerous about it is that people who are clearly unqualified get to disseminate their piece to the masses.
That's right, they're clearly unqualified to have and voice their opinions. There's a qualifying exam given by each state that you must pass to earn your opinion certification. It comes with a plaque.
I respect the journalism industry, and the fact of the matter is ...someone with no training should not be allowed to have any kind of format whatsoever to disseminate to the masses to the level which they can.
Respecting the journalism industry, while completely pissing on the First Amendment. That's a neat twist.
They are not trained. Not experts.
Experts in what, exactly? Some of the most informative and authoritative blogs on niche topics like "underwater small engine maintenance" run absolute rings around what passes for "expertise" in the journalism and newspaper world. Most newspaper reporters learn a little bit about a topic in a day or a week, maybe interview a few people who are actual experts, and then they write and file a story which is generally correct in a big picture sort of way, but woefully incomplete and sparse on the details. The main thing journalists are "experts" at is crafting an interesting written final product. If the reader wants to learn more, the Web awaits, chock full of actual experts.
More important are the level of ethics and integrity that comes along with the quote-unqoute profession hasn’t been firmly established and entrenched in the minds of those who’ve been given that license.
Oh, hang your ethics and integrity bullcrap already. Where's the "ethics" behind chasing behind a firetruck to get a story about a local blaze and hopefully a front page image? I've done it, and there's no ethics or integrity involved. It's about getting a good story and a good picture and, as a result, hopefully selling more newspapers. Many bloggers have just as much, if not more, ethics and integrity than a lot of journalists. Then there's me, who just enjoys the freedom to post a picture of my butt online.
"Therefore, there’s a total disregard, a level of wrecklessness that ends up being a domino effect.
Really? Like, where?
And the people who suffer are the common viewers out there and, more importantly, those in the industry who haven’t been fortunate to get a radio or television deal and only rely on the written word. And now they’ve been sabotaged.
Sabotaged! By bloggers! Common plebian scribes! Awash in literary cooties, they are! Mere pretenders to the journalism throne, hacking away at the knees of those more worthy! Man, this guy needs a good cock punching.
Not because of me. Or like me. But because of the industry or the world has allowed the average joe to resemble a professional without any credentials whatsoever."
Like, A MAJOR cock punching. The kind of cock punch where the testicles have to be jammed back down the throat with a plunger.
Incidentally, is there such a thing as a GOOD case of diarrhea?
During my mass communications/journalism classes in college, there were a couple of recurring themes brought up by certain professors who either A) wanted to scare us away or B) saw journalism as a righteous calling.
From the A) crowd, we'd hear: "Don't expect to make money in journalism," which, to their credit, my first newspaper job paid $5.50 an hour, which was raised to a whopping $6 an hour when I was working as a full time reporter. That was followed by about a year working for just over $10 an hour. So, it's not as if there wasn't some truth to their warnings. There's a reason so many journalists tend to drift into public relations and other avenues that can actually put food on the table that isn't government cheese.
From the B) crowd, we were told that journalists aren't in it for the money. We were offered up the standard tripe of "speaking truth to power," which always left me imagining myself reading an encyclopedia to an electrical socket. Believe me, after you've sat through about your fifth city council meeting or your third school board meeting, the concept of speaking truth to power pretty much loses all meaning. You go from "speaking truth to power" to thinking long and hard about "how the hell am I going to write something interesting based off this boring-assed shit?"
Also from the B) crowd came the feel-good nonsense of "comforting the afflicted, and afflicting the comfortable." The first time I heard it uttered, I laughed to myself, but after about the fourth time, I found myself irritated enough to raise my hand and ask:
"What happens after you afflict the comfortable? Don't they become afflicted and need to be comforted? This seems like a needlessly endless cycle."
There were some guffaws from my fellow classmates, but the professor didn't seem to be in the least amused. Instead of answering my mostly-facetious question, he want off on some tangent about the priviledged wealthy class and how they need a check on their status, or some such blatherating. I wasn't paying very close attention, since the Internet had just become available in classrooms, and I was looking for pictures of Angie Everhart naked, which I found to be far more satisfying than speaking truth to power, afflicting the comfortable, or comforting the affflicted.
Besides, I went into journalism because I could write fairly decent and sucked at math, which is probably why 70 percent of journalists go down that path to begin with.
