December 06, 2007

Clogging Your toilet With Blow-Up Dolls

It’s time, once again, to delve into the world of news items you no doubt missed thanks to the demands of your high-stress lifestyle. Fortunately, you have me, a marginally humorous ThunderJournalist, who has the time and resources to research news and events that, in my opinion, you absolutely need to know about.

For example, if it weren’t for me and my diligence, you’d probably have gone your whole life without knowing a man escaped from a work release crew by clogging a toilet. That’s right, according to a Dec. 6 Associated Press (AP) news report out of Charlestown, Ind., “An inmate escaped from a work-release crew after he created a distraction with an overflowing toilet, authorities said. Wayne Mitchell, 24, was in the Clark County Jail for a probation-violation warrant, but had been working with a crew clearing roadside trash.”

I’m trying to imagine this scenario playing out in “Shawshank Redemption” sort of way, complete with Morgan Freeman narrating with his oil slick voice:

FREEMAN: I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on Wayne Mitchell. I confess I didn’t think much of him right away; seemed a stiff breeze could have blown him over. That was my first impression of the man. You never would have guessed he was plotting his escape from Clark County Jail the moment he set foot inside. This was a man who knew how to clog a toilet with a rock hammer, and he was going to use that knowledge to gain his freedom.

Back to the article: “When the crew stopped at the Clark County Fraternal Order of Police lodge to eat lunch, Mitchell went into a restroom and clogged a toilet, causing it to overflow, police said. He then came out saying he needed some towels from the jail's van to sop up the mess. ‘The toilet overflowed and the rest of the inmates were trying to clean it up,’ said Maj. Chuck Adams of the Clark County Sheriff's Department.”

Excuse me, but how bad does a toilet have to be clogged that you have an entire work-release detail consisting of several inmates working to clean it up? Was this a super toilet? How was this a multi-man clean-up job, exactly? I mean, come on.

Thankfully, even though Mitchell remains on the lam, there are plenty of other aspiring criminals just waiting to fill such vacancies. Take Jose Sandoval, 26, of DeForest, Wis., who was apprehended by law enforcement officials after breaking into an adult novelty store and making away with several blow-up dolls and “other” items.

According to the Dec. 4, AP report out of Madison, Wis., “DeForest smashed through the front door at Naughty Novelties in Burke last month and stole a talking love doll with a $270 price tag, along with other dolls and items.”

There’s lonely, and there’s really lonely, and there’s really, REALLY lonely, and finally there’s “talking love doll” lonely. Seriously, if you find yourself in bed at night, having a heart-to-heart discussion with a talking love doll, you really should consider because, man, you’ve hit rock bottom. Oh, and if you do score a date, you totally better not mention that doll. In fact, get rid of it all together.

You could try flushing it.

Posted by Ryan at December 6, 2007 02:53 PM | TrackBack
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