Rambling Rhodes

Special Olympics

Travel back with me through time, to the spring of 1993. A special time it was, too: I was 18 years old, nearing high school graduation, and I still had hair. Also, I was on a class trip touring China, which took me to Beijing, to Shanghai, and back to Beijing, with a brief sojourn to Tiananmen Square to view the body of Mao Tse-Tung, since Communist nations are required by dictate to preserve their founders for eternity, even if they look like badly-carved pumpkins.

Well, back in 1993, China was on the short list of countries being considered to host the 2000 Olympics. China took this very seriously at the time. I was just a casual observer, but if the propaganda splashed on practically every wall was to be believed, you would have thought China pretty much had the nomination in hand.

Alas, it was eventually decided the 2000 Olympics would be hosted in Sydney, Australia, and China took the snub in stoic and proud fashion, waiting a full 12 days before detonating an underground nuclear device in protest. They were going to detonate the device the day after the snub, above ground, in Sydney but, thankfully, cooler heads in the Chinese government prevailed.

The point is, China takes the Olympics very seriously, even while most of the rest of the world no longer does. So, with the 2008 Olympics being hosted in Beijing, you can about imagine what the atmosphere must be like in China—well, in addition to its stifling pollution. If the 1993 propaganda was any indication, the 2007 stuff probably claims the Chinese invented the Olympics, and that Greece is actually a Chinese province.

I’m exaggerating for comedic effect, of course, but I’m apparently not far off the mark. According to a Nov. 4, Associated Press report out of Beijing, “The upcoming Beijing Olympics is more than just a point of pride for China - it's such an important part of the national consciousness that nearly 3,500 children have been named for the event, a newspaper reported Sunday.”

“Most of the 3,491 people with the name ‘Aoyun,’ meaning Olympics, were born around the year 2000, as Beijing was bidding to host the 2008 Summer Games, the Beijing Daily reported, citing information from China's national identity card database.”

Can you imagine what China would have done if it hadn’t won the 2008 Olympic bid? In 1993, they blew off a nuke; one can only postulate what they would have done with 3,500 little Aoyuns running around.

I can just about envision the conversation that took place amongst members of the International Olympic Committee.

MEMBER #1: Okay, so it’s decided: we’re awarding the 2008 Olympics to Berlin, and. . .

MEMBER #2: Did you know China has 3,500 babies named “Olympics?”

MEMBER #1: I’m sorry. What?

MEMBER #2: Yeah, I just read about it today. Apparently, there are over 3,000 Chinese named Aoyun, which means “Olympics.”

MEMBER #3: Are you serious?

MEMBER #2: I’m completely serious. They’re that crazy. We may want to rethink awarding the Olympics to Berlin.

MEMBER #1: Agreed. Best not to risk it. Beijing it is, then.

Unfortunately for 3,500 Chinese children, they’re going to have spend their lives explaining why they were named after a sporting event nobody will even remember in four years.

By the way, I was perusing the Web site of the Olympic.org/uk/index_uk.asp">International Olympic Committee. Some of the logos they’re sporting for various, er, sports, are a freakin’ scream:

The Olympic art of falling on ice.

Crawling towards a desert oasis, or a mirage, or a tavern.

Massaging a pair of ginormous boobies.

Turning your ankle in the most ghastly way possible.

Hailing a cab while falling.

Slave whipping (this is the politically correct version, with the slave edited out, which, in fact, became the oasis-crawling logo)

The Japanese art of sitting on an oversized, lit cigar.

Running while drunk.

Running while less drunk.

The lost art of champagne bottle smashing.

Casting "Cone of Cold."

I call Him Gamblor!

For the second weekend in a row, Melissa and I went to gamble at Treasure Island. Normally, I'm an across-the-board video poker gambler. Slot machines have always stuck me as horrifically boring, like expensive pay-per-view for static.

Until we discovered Monopoly-themed slot machines. Hoo boy.

I don't know what it is about the game Monopoly, but when it's extended to such marketing ploys as McDonald's occasional Monopoly promotion, it just draws people right in.

Well, let me tell you, the Monopoly-themed slot machines are like gambler's crack, if it's possible to double stack your addictions, I mean. Oh, sure, it's just a regular slot machine. . . until you hit the right symbols, at which point it becomes an interactive GAME, and it's those games that keep you planted in your seat, oblivious to the fact you're going broke by about 20 cents per button push. If this is the future of gambling, consider me homeless.

And here we are slated to go to Las Vegas in December. This does not bode well for my future financial stability.