November 06, 2007

Special Olympics

Travel back with me through time, to the spring of 1993. A special time it was, too: I was 18 years old, nearing high school graduation, and I still had hair. Also, I was on a class trip touring China, which took me to Beijing, to Shanghai, and back to Beijing, with a brief sojourn to Tiananmen Square to view the body of Mao Tse-Tung, since Communist nations are required by dictate to preserve their founders for eternity, even if they look like badly-carved pumpkins.

Well, back in 1993, China was on the short list of countries being considered to host the 2000 Olympics. China took this very seriously at the time. I was just a casual observer, but if the propaganda splashed on practically every wall was to be believed, you would have thought China pretty much had the nomination in hand.

Alas, it was eventually decided the 2000 Olympics would be hosted in Sydney, Australia, and China took the snub in stoic and proud fashion, waiting a full 12 days before detonating an underground nuclear device in protest. They were going to detonate the device the day after the snub, above ground, in Sydney but, thankfully, cooler heads in the Chinese government prevailed.

The point is, China takes the Olympics very seriously, even while most of the rest of the world no longer does. So, with the 2008 Olympics being hosted in Beijing, you can about imagine what the atmosphere must be like in China—well, in addition to its stifling pollution. If the 1993 propaganda was any indication, the 2007 stuff probably claims the Chinese invented the Olympics, and that Greece is actually a Chinese province.

I’m exaggerating for comedic effect, of course, but I’m apparently not far off the mark. According to a Nov. 4, Associated Press report out of Beijing, “The upcoming Beijing Olympics is more than just a point of pride for China - it's such an important part of the national consciousness that nearly 3,500 children have been named for the event, a newspaper reported Sunday.”

“Most of the 3,491 people with the name ‘Aoyun,’ meaning Olympics, were born around the year 2000, as Beijing was bidding to host the 2008 Summer Games, the Beijing Daily reported, citing information from China's national identity card database.”

Can you imagine what China would have done if it hadn’t won the 2008 Olympic bid? In 1993, they blew off a nuke; one can only postulate what they would have done with 3,500 little Aoyuns running around.

I can just about envision the conversation that took place amongst members of the International Olympic Committee.

MEMBER #1: Okay, so it’s decided: we’re awarding the 2008 Olympics to Berlin, and. . .

MEMBER #2: Did you know China has 3,500 babies named “Olympics?”

MEMBER #1: I’m sorry. What?

MEMBER #2: Yeah, I just read about it today. Apparently, there are over 3,000 Chinese named Aoyun, which means “Olympics.”

MEMBER #3: Are you serious?

MEMBER #2: I’m completely serious. They’re that crazy. We may want to rethink awarding the Olympics to Berlin.

MEMBER #1: Agreed. Best not to risk it. Beijing it is, then.

Unfortunately for 3,500 Chinese children, they’re going to have spend their lives explaining why they were named after a sporting event nobody will even remember in four years.

By the way, I was perusing the Web site of the">International Olympic Committee. Some of the logos they’re sporting for various, er, sports, are a freakin’ scream:

gymnastics.JPG The Olympic art of falling on ice.

basketball.JPG Crawling towards a desert oasis, or a mirage, or a tavern.

cycling.JPG Massaging a pair of ginormous boobies.

footballsoccer.JPG Turning your ankle in the most ghastly way possible.

handball.JPG Hailing a cab while falling.

hockey.JPG Slave whipping (this is the politically correct version, with the slave edited out, which, in fact, became the oasis-crawling logo)

judo.JPG The Japanese art of sitting on an oversized, lit cigar.

pentathlon.JPG Running while drunk.

triathlon.JPG Running while less drunk.

rowing.JPG The lost art of champagne bottle smashing.

sailing.JPG Casting "Cone of Cold."

Posted by Ryan at November 6, 2007 02:02 PM | TrackBack

Heh. Cone of Cold.

Posted by: David Grenier at November 6, 2007 04:58 PM

Nice WoW reference, hilarious, in fact it caused me to spit coffee all over my keyboard.

Posted by: PreDoc at November 7, 2007 08:43 AM

Actually, I was thinking of "Dungeons and Dragons" when I referenced "Cone of Cold," having never actually played WoW.

Posted by: Ryan at November 7, 2007 10:51 AM

Lol, well thats probably where WoW got it, seeing as they use a lot of themes from other fantasy based games/novels/fodder

Posted by: PreDoc at November 7, 2007 01:08 PM

Nice WoW reference,

How depressing.

That's like if you quoted "Knocking on Heaven's Door" and someone was like, "Nice Guns 'n Roses reference!"

Posted by: Joshua at November 7, 2007 05:21 PM

The Japanese art of sitting on a oversized, lit cigar looks like someone sitting on another person with their legs folded up over them to me.

Nicely done on these though, more than chuckleworthy! The massaging a ginormous pair of boobs is classic!

Posted by: Erik at November 9, 2007 12:17 PM
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