Back in 1998, I'd have to wait several minutes of download time to watch a five-second clip of a guy throwing up beer through his nose.
Now, a mere nine years later, I can watch a one minute clip of a guy failing to launch a bottlerocket from his ass almost instantaneously.
It's like watching technology progess 8 million times faster than human common sense, and I'm just grateful and humble to be living in this most excellent period of time.
Following my unprecendented interview with Hurricane Katrina back in 2005, and my interview with Mel Gibson last year, I have once again, through the extensive journalistic resources made available to this ThunderJournal, hooked an exclusive interview with one of today's biggest buzz generators: Global Warming.
ME: Let me just take a moment to express how grateful I am to you for permitting this interview, Mr. Warming.
GW: It's MS. Warming. . .
ME: Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
GW: Don't be. It happens. Just call me Global. Or, the Notorious G.W.B.
ME: I'm sorry?
GW: Global Warming Bitch.
ME: I see. Now, I must say, you've been making a lot of headlines lately. You're not quite up there with Britney Spears, but you're getting there. How do you respond to such an increase in notoriety?
GW: I generally try to keep a low profile; just doing the weather and climate thing like I've always done. But, it's tough avoiding the paparazzi, who are always following me around, trying to make me into a bigger deal than I am. Particularly that one guy. . . what's his name? Al Gore. He's the worst.
ME: How so?
GW: Oh, he's always going around, spreading rumors about me, taking me out of context, picking on me for my bad points while completely ignoring me when I'm responsible for something good.
ME: Such as?
GW: Gee, I don't know. . . how about HUMAN DOMINATION OF THE PLANET? I mean, seriously, here I go and decide to roll back some glaciers, provide some primo growing conditions and arable soil, allowing you ungrateful bi-peds to claim dominion upon the earth, and now all of a sudden I'M THE PROBLEM.
ME: To be fair, I think it's more along the lines of humans thinking WE'RE the problem.
GW: Yeah, well, that's because ya'll are stupid and think you're far more important than you are.
ME: We're pretty amazing creatures, you have to admit.
GW: Yada, yada, yada. You should have been around for the trilobites. Now there were creatures that knew a thing or two about longevity and total planetary domination. You people have been around, what? Three million years? Five million? Tell you what, look me up after your 350 millionth birthday. Then I'll let you sit at the trilobite table. You might have the big brains and all, but the trilobites were all about endearing personality.
ME: Well, you have us concerned you won't let us see our 350 millionth birthday. In fact, people are talking about major climate change in 100 years or less and. . .
GW: You think you know me? You think you know me, don't you? You don't know me. You can't even pretend to think you know me. You can't even think about thinking you think you know me. You can't begin to ponder thinking about considering to think about thinking you think you can possibly think about thinking. . .
ME: I think I see what you're. . .
GW: You can't even postulate thinking about pondering to think about thinking you see what you think you're thinking about thinking. . .
ME: Yes, well, you have to admit, you are getting warmer.
GW: That's kind of what I do. You can't have Global Warming without. . . Warming.
ME: You're kind of sarcastic for a planetary climatological process.
GW: Well, you get that way when you have Al Gore following you around everywhere.
ME: Wait, doesn't the temperature always tend to drop to unseasonal levels wherever Al Gore goes to speak?
GW: Hey, he messes with me, so I'm allowed to mess with him. Paparazzi like him deserve all the bad luck in the world.
ME: So, what are your plans going forward?
GW: To warm up, of course. Unless I get married to that Cooling fellow I've had my eye on for awhile and decide to take his name.
ME: Can we do anything to help fan the flames of that romance?
GW: HAH! You wish! Ms. Warming makes a move when Ms. Warming is damned good and ready. I'm not as open to suggestion as that Spears trollop is.
ME: All right, but could you maybe not wipe out the polar bears?
GW: Great gobs of greasy, grimey gopher guts! What is it about you people and polar bears? Always it's about the polar bears! Again, no mad props to the Notorious G.W.B. for providing top notch living conditions for humans. Oh, no, it's always those poor polar bears and wah, wah, wahhhhh! You're all a bunch of ungrateful Gores, the lot of you.
ME: Well, that's about all the time we have. Thank you, again, Global Warming, for taking the time to speak with me today.
GW: My pleasure. Perhaps we can do it again someday.
. . .
. . .
AL GORE: You haven't seen Global Warming, by any chance?
ME: She just left.
Caroline says: Just sent you FoS article info.
Ryan says: Domo arigator, Mrs. Roboto.
Ryan says: No "r."
Caroline says: Arigator is a cousin of the alligator
Ryan says: A very thankful alligator.
Caroline says: Now you have the name of that children's book you always wanted to write!
Ryan says: "Domo Arigator And The Chamber of Secrets."
Caroline says: You'd make millions.
Ryan says: "Domo Arigator And The Reptile of Gratitude."
Caroline says: He could have a sidekick named "Merci the Mouse"
Ryan says: BTW: STUDY LINKS hip size and breast cancer risk.
Caroline says: Thanks.
Ryan says: Just a guess, but I'm betting "bigger hips" = "bigger breasts" = increased cancer risk.
Caroline says: I hate math.
Ryan says: That's the "mammatic equation."
Caroline says: E=M C cup
Ryan says: Huh, they're talking about the female CHILDREN of women with big hips having a higher risk of cancer.
Caroline says: Error in the equation!
Ryan says: Well, doesn't that seem like an incredibly niche area of study?
Caroline says: Pelvical
Ryan says: Some doctor with a grudge against fatties decides to apply for a research grant.
Caroline says: Live! On stage 3!
Caroline says: Grudge Against Fatties!
Ryan says: Fatty grudge is impossible to remove from dishes.
Caroline says: How do they even define "big hips"
Ryan says: That's a most excellent question.
Ryan says: They looked at Kate Moss, noticed she doesn't have cancer, and decided anyone with bigger hips than her are a bigger cancer risk.
Caroline says: Well, why stop there? Did they notice the coke around her nose? They should say small-hipped women who are regular drug users don't get cancer.
Ryan says: We could have been doctors.
Caroline says: We really missed the boat.
Ryan says: They teach medicine on a boat?
Caroline says: In the Phillipines.
