October 09, 2007

My Exclusive Interview With Global Warming

Following my unprecendented interview with Hurricane Katrina back in 2005, and my interview with Mel Gibson last year, I have once again, through the extensive journalistic resources made available to this ThunderJournal, hooked an exclusive interview with one of today's biggest buzz generators: Global Warming.

ME: Let me just take a moment to express how grateful I am to you for permitting this interview, Mr. Warming.

GW: It's MS. Warming. . .

ME: Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

GW: Don't be. It happens. Just call me Global. Or, the Notorious G.W.B.

ME: I'm sorry?

GW: Global Warming Bitch.

ME: I see. Now, I must say, you've been making a lot of headlines lately. You're not quite up there with Britney Spears, but you're getting there. How do you respond to such an increase in notoriety?

GW: I generally try to keep a low profile; just doing the weather and climate thing like I've always done. But, it's tough avoiding the paparazzi, who are always following me around, trying to make me into a bigger deal than I am. Particularly that one guy. . . what's his name? Al Gore. He's the worst.

ME: How so?

GW: Oh, he's always going around, spreading rumors about me, taking me out of context, picking on me for my bad points while completely ignoring me when I'm responsible for something good.

ME: Such as?

GW: Gee, I don't know. . . how about HUMAN DOMINATION OF THE PLANET? I mean, seriously, here I go and decide to roll back some glaciers, provide some primo growing conditions and arable soil, allowing you ungrateful bi-peds to claim dominion upon the earth, and now all of a sudden I'M THE PROBLEM.

ME: To be fair, I think it's more along the lines of humans thinking WE'RE the problem.

GW: Yeah, well, that's because ya'll are stupid and think you're far more important than you are.

ME: We're pretty amazing creatures, you have to admit.

GW: Yada, yada, yada. You should have been around for the trilobites. Now there were creatures that knew a thing or two about longevity and total planetary domination. You people have been around, what? Three million years? Five million? Tell you what, look me up after your 350 millionth birthday. Then I'll let you sit at the trilobite table. You might have the big brains and all, but the trilobites were all about endearing personality.

ME: Well, you have us concerned you won't let us see our 350 millionth birthday. In fact, people are talking about major climate change in 100 years or less and. . .

GW: You think you know me? You think you know me, don't you? You don't know me. You can't even pretend to think you know me. You can't even think about thinking you think you know me. You can't begin to ponder thinking about considering to think about thinking you think you can possibly think about thinking. . .

ME: I think I see what you're. . .

GW: You can't even postulate thinking about pondering to think about thinking you see what you think you're thinking about thinking. . .

ME: Yes, well, you have to admit, you are getting warmer.

GW: That's kind of what I do. You can't have Global Warming without. . . Warming.

ME: You're kind of sarcastic for a planetary climatological process.

GW: Well, you get that way when you have Al Gore following you around everywhere.

ME: Wait, doesn't the temperature always tend to drop to unseasonal levels wherever Al Gore goes to speak?

GW: Hey, he messes with me, so I'm allowed to mess with him. Paparazzi like him deserve all the bad luck in the world.

ME: So, what are your plans going forward?

GW: To warm up, of course. Unless I get married to that Cooling fellow I've had my eye on for awhile and decide to take his name.

ME: Can we do anything to help fan the flames of that romance?

GW: HAH! You wish! Ms. Warming makes a move when Ms. Warming is damned good and ready. I'm not as open to suggestion as that Spears trollop is.

ME: All right, but could you maybe not wipe out the polar bears?

GW: Great gobs of greasy, grimey gopher guts! What is it about you people and polar bears? Always it's about the polar bears! Again, no mad props to the Notorious G.W.B. for providing top notch living conditions for humans. Oh, no, it's always those poor polar bears and wah, wah, wahhhhh! You're all a bunch of ungrateful Gores, the lot of you.

ME: Well, that's about all the time we have. Thank you, again, Global Warming, for taking the time to speak with me today.

GW: My pleasure. Perhaps we can do it again someday.

. . .

. . .

AL GORE: You haven't seen Global Warming, by any chance?

ME: She just left.

Posted by Ryan at October 9, 2007 01:46 PM | TrackBack

You have WAYYYYYYY too much time on your hands!

Posted by: Autumn at October 9, 2007 07:35 PM

HA! applause.

Posted by: amy.leblanc at October 10, 2007 03:29 PM
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