Is there are so many people willing to punch garbage can size holes in the "logic" of Nick Coleman.
Not that there's any reason for you to care, but one of my latest obessions is entering Pepsi codes for their current ongoing Pepsi.Yahoo.com/transformyoursummer/">promotional sweepstakes. I actually dig through trash cans when I'm golfing to retrieve the caps. There's not limit to how pathetic I can be.
If ever there was a reason to stop reading "Men's Health," this article is it.
The baby-faced kid is crushed against the chain-link octagon, swallowing punches from a fighter twice his size. His skin glows under the lights, until something gives way, and soon he's covered in blood. He's done, pinned, but too proud to tap out yet the crowd jeers when the ref stops the fight. Even his father protests. Somehow, this Cleveland cage fight has become Caesar's coliseum.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to just roll my eyes into the back of my head and let loose with a drawn out. . . JEEEEESUS CHRRRRRRIIIIIST!
You just know, in the deepest pit of your being, the person writing this drivel doesn't know the damned first thing about MMA fighting. If the kid didn't tap out, maybe, just maybe, his opponent didn't have a technique locked in adequately enough to make him want to tap out. Maybe the kid had some wiggle room he could have exploited, and the fans saw this, but the ref stepped in anyway, hence the jeers. This writer makes it sound like a newborn was ripped from his mother's bosom and tossed to a panther, while the crowd writhed in orgasmic revelry at the spectacle.
Oh, and the rest of the article sucks, too. Or, maybe I'm just SOOOOO ANGRY!
Also, this is a quibbling point, but Caesar never had a coliseum. Caesar predated the coliseum by a couple hundred years. Yes, I know Roman emperors after Caesar were sometimes called "Caesar," but somehow I don't think that's what this moronic writer had in mind.
I was beginning to think maybe Nick Coleman's neck was amongst those that found the chopping block during the Strib's recent round of employee beheadings. The state's most eminent hacktacular columnist this side of Susan Lenfesty had been remarkably silent for the better part of a month.
But, of course, a man who has burrowed so deep into the folds of the established media elite of the Twin Cities, a man who is the brother of the St. Paul mayor, will likely never have to fear being ejected from his lofty position as the local Cicero of complete nonsense.
Today, Nick Coleman penned what could possibly be the most nonsensical, bizarre, pointless, incoherent, pathetic, adolescent, horrible, mind-numbingly stupid thing he's ever written in his entire storied career of writing complete and utter crap.
Nick Coleman: Holy Scripture! Bible thumpers can pack a punch
Ugh. Here we go. . .
We have arrived at the point where we aren't just throwing interpretations of Holy Scripture at each other. We are throwing the scripture itself.
State Rep. Mark Olson, a Republican charged with domestic abuse after an argument with his wife last fall, has brought forth a novel defense at his trial in Sherburne County. Olson says that he is the victim and that he was abused by his wife, Heidi, who threw a Bible at him on several occasions, grabbing it from him as he read it and thumping him with it.
News! Nick Coleman style! Now, one would expect, seeing how Coleman is, you know, a METRO columnist, this little bit of written bolus would somehow focus on, one would hope, Mark Olson, or at least something remotely metro or local. You would expect that, but this is a Nick Coleman column, sooooo. . .
Many men have the same problem with their wives and the TV remote.
Bah dum bump!
Fortunately, remotes don't do damage to vital organs, so men take it in stride. After all, He who Shall Not Listeneth to his Wife During the Game Deserveth a Good Beaning.
If you want to read scripture in front of your spouse while she is doing the chores, you should read it in pamphlet form. Or wear a Holy Helmet.
I don't mean to make fun of domestic violence, which is a serious problem.
Despite three gasbag stinko jokes indicating otherwise. . .
And I believe the Bible offers many words of wisdom to live by, including these from Jesus: "Let he who is without sin cast the first Bible." Or something like that.
Mmmmmmmm, sacri-liscious.
It's never good when the good book hits the floor.
Okay, everyone, cue the Nick Coleman Google-infused history lesson!
In 1532, an Incan emperor named Atahualpa threw a Bible at the feet of a Spanish conquistador, who promptly began an attack that killed 7,000 Incans. For his sacrilege, Atahualpa was sentenced to be burned at the stake until he converted to Christianity, after which the Spaniards rewarded him with strangulation, which was quicker and neater.
Mark Olson? Metro? Point? Hello? Is anyone here? Can anyone steer this column back to some sort of point?
Thanks, brothers!
Four hundred and 75 years later (in May), Pope Benedict angered many Indians by saying in Brazil that their forbears had been longing for Christianity and implying that the deaths of their ancestors had been worth it. That's another story, too long to tell here.
Nick Coleman stopping short of telling a story that's too long? First time for everything I guess.
But the point is that the Bible is capable of being used to beat people over the head, as well as to change hearts. Turning a missal into a missile is an old habit that persists today.
Gosh, you'd almost expect Nick to mention some of the acts of recent violence done in the name of ANOTHER HOLY BOOK that's gotten quite a bit of press lately. But, nah, let's keep this focused on the Bible, which you can berate endlessly and never worry about reprisal.
Just last month, a guard in the Blue Earth County jail in Mankato was charged with using a Bible to beat a prisoner. And it's a two-way street: In Athens, Tenn., a street preacher was pepper-sprayed and arrested in May after hitting a cop with his Bible. And then there are the times when a man must open a can of good Old Testament whupass on someone to defend himself from a Bible-based assault:
And I remember back in elementary school, back when I had to walk 40 miles through the snow, barefoot, carrying snakes, when my neighbor-friend, Jedidiah, went and threw a Bible at my childhood sweatheart, Minerva. We had a good dust-up over that one, we did. Damned Bible-chucker. That became his nickname, too: Jedidiah The Bible Chucker. Confused the hell out of the opposing football teams in our later years.
Take the case of Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin, who was accosted in 2002 by a skeptic who didn't believe man had been to the moon and demanded that Aldrin -- the second person to walk on the moon -- swear on a Bible that he had been there. After the man poked Aldrin one too many times with a Bible, Aldrin punched him in the schnozz. The cops refused to charge Aldrin.
What the hell was Nick injecting into his veins while writing this? Heroin For Codgers? An ADD drip? Before you answer that, consider the next paragraph, a descent into incoherent nonsense you'll not likely see again. . . until Nick's next column:
The stakes and the contusions can be great when you are talking about a king-size clout with a King James. I have a 10-pound Bible at home, a reproduction of an ancient Irish Bible. Actually, it is only the New Testament, but if my wife dropped it on my head, I would be in heaven half an hour before the devil knew I was dead. Or the cops. But I wouldn't complain.
What. The. Hell? I don't know if I could accomplish such a feat of literary gibberish, but I feel compelled to try:
The stakes and porterhouse steaks can be monumental when you're talking about getting hit in the groin with a groin-ball. I have a 20-pound groin ball at home, a reproduction of an ancient Gaul groin ball. Actually, it's only for the left testicle, but if my girlfriend threw it at my groin, it could crush my right testicle a good hour and 15 minutes before my left testicle knew what was going on. Or my penis. But I won't complain.
Mark Olson, an eight-term conservative who has been one of the preachifying lawmakers who have spent years trying to write their religion into government, shouldn't complain, either.
That's quite the claim by Coleman, but of course he doesn't cite any examples, so we're just expected to believe what Nick writes, which is a tough pill to swallow, considering his previous paragraph.
You are asking for it when you walk out of jail carrying a Bible, as Olson did, claiming your beliefs make you the "head of the household."
It's nice how Nick has already condemned Olson as an abuser, even though he hasn't even gone to trial yet. Perhaps he should be reminded of a certain Duke lacrosse rape case before passing summary judgement. But, what fun would that be?
To the moon, Olson.
Ooh! Snap! You see that Nick did there? He totally did a call-back to his Buzz Aldrin anecdote earlier! That was a kind of joke! It was funny! It was. . . it was. . . *loser horns*
It's not the Bible that's the problem. If Bibles were outlawed, outlaws would still hit people with them. The trouble isn't the word of God, but the actions of his confused creatures, we angry, lonely Bible bashers.
Nick is a fine one to opine about confused creatures.
Friends, the lesson is simple:
Read your Bible. Or your Koran or your Torah or any sacred text you choose. Follow their wisdom. Just don't throw them at other people.
This passage of Coleman-esque advice-erating reminds me of another classic Nick Coleman bit, specifically:
His best rap is called "Son of Perdition," and it preaches a message of turning to the Bible and the Qur'an, or what have you.
To which I correctly zinged: The Bible and the Qur'an, OR WHAT HAVE YOU?! He wrote that? And left it in? OR WHAT HAVE YOU? What? You don't have a Bible or Qur'an handy? You have The DaVinci code? That'll work. What have you.
Welcome back, Nick. The Strib just isn't the same without your unique brand of journalism.
Firstly, someone will have to explain to me someday how car repairs consisting of new spark plugs and wiring can amount to over $600. Because, you know, that just don't seem right.
Nextly, whatever spambot piece of crap that's out there posting comment spam, just stop that shit already, mmkay. I've had to delete hundreds of spamments and close dozens of comment threads just to try to head off that jackass. Lousy InterWeb bastards.
