I was beginning to think maybe Nick Coleman's neck was amongst those that found the chopping block during the Strib's recent round of employee beheadings. The state's most eminent hacktacular columnist this side of Susan Lenfesty had been remarkably silent for the better part of a month.
But, of course, a man who has burrowed so deep into the folds of the established media elite of the Twin Cities, a man who is the brother of the St. Paul mayor, will likely never have to fear being ejected from his lofty position as the local Cicero of complete nonsense.
Today, Nick Coleman penned what could possibly be the most nonsensical, bizarre, pointless, incoherent, pathetic, adolescent, horrible, mind-numbingly stupid thing he's ever written in his entire storied career of writing complete and utter crap.
Nick Coleman: Holy Scripture! Bible thumpers can pack a punch
Ugh. Here we go. . .
We have arrived at the point where we aren't just throwing interpretations of Holy Scripture at each other. We are throwing the scripture itself.
State Rep. Mark Olson, a Republican charged with domestic abuse after an argument with his wife last fall, has brought forth a novel defense at his trial in Sherburne County. Olson says that he is the victim and that he was abused by his wife, Heidi, who threw a Bible at him on several occasions, grabbing it from him as he read it and thumping him with it.
News! Nick Coleman style! Now, one would expect, seeing how Coleman is, you know, a METRO columnist, this little bit of written bolus would somehow focus on, one would hope, Mark Olson, or at least something remotely metro or local. You would expect that, but this is a Nick Coleman column, sooooo. . .
Many men have the same problem with their wives and the TV remote.
Bah dum bump!
Fortunately, remotes don't do damage to vital organs, so men take it in stride. After all, He who Shall Not Listeneth to his Wife During the Game Deserveth a Good Beaning.
If you want to read scripture in front of your spouse while she is doing the chores, you should read it in pamphlet form. Or wear a Holy Helmet.
I don't mean to make fun of domestic violence, which is a serious problem.
Despite three gasbag stinko jokes indicating otherwise. . .
And I believe the Bible offers many words of wisdom to live by, including these from Jesus: "Let he who is without sin cast the first Bible." Or something like that.
Mmmmmmmm, sacri-liscious.
It's never good when the good book hits the floor.
Okay, everyone, cue the Nick Coleman Google-infused history lesson!
In 1532, an Incan emperor named Atahualpa threw a Bible at the feet of a Spanish conquistador, who promptly began an attack that killed 7,000 Incans. For his sacrilege, Atahualpa was sentenced to be burned at the stake until he converted to Christianity, after which the Spaniards rewarded him with strangulation, which was quicker and neater.
Mark Olson? Metro? Point? Hello? Is anyone here? Can anyone steer this column back to some sort of point?
Thanks, brothers!
Four hundred and 75 years later (in May), Pope Benedict angered many Indians by saying in Brazil that their forbears had been longing for Christianity and implying that the deaths of their ancestors had been worth it. That's another story, too long to tell here.
Nick Coleman stopping short of telling a story that's too long? First time for everything I guess.
But the point is that the Bible is capable of being used to beat people over the head, as well as to change hearts. Turning a missal into a missile is an old habit that persists today.
Gosh, you'd almost expect Nick to mention some of the acts of recent violence done in the name of ANOTHER HOLY BOOK that's gotten quite a bit of press lately. But, nah, let's keep this focused on the Bible, which you can berate endlessly and never worry about reprisal.
Just last month, a guard in the Blue Earth County jail in Mankato was charged with using a Bible to beat a prisoner. And it's a two-way street: In Athens, Tenn., a street preacher was pepper-sprayed and arrested in May after hitting a cop with his Bible. And then there are the times when a man must open a can of good Old Testament whupass on someone to defend himself from a Bible-based assault:
And I remember back in elementary school, back when I had to walk 40 miles through the snow, barefoot, carrying snakes, when my neighbor-friend, Jedidiah, went and threw a Bible at my childhood sweatheart, Minerva. We had a good dust-up over that one, we did. Damned Bible-chucker. That became his nickname, too: Jedidiah The Bible Chucker. Confused the hell out of the opposing football teams in our later years.
Take the case of Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin, who was accosted in 2002 by a skeptic who didn't believe man had been to the moon and demanded that Aldrin -- the second person to walk on the moon -- swear on a Bible that he had been there. After the man poked Aldrin one too many times with a Bible, Aldrin punched him in the schnozz. The cops refused to charge Aldrin.
What the hell was Nick injecting into his veins while writing this? Heroin For Codgers? An ADD drip? Before you answer that, consider the next paragraph, a descent into incoherent nonsense you'll not likely see again. . . until Nick's next column:
The stakes and the contusions can be great when you are talking about a king-size clout with a King James. I have a 10-pound Bible at home, a reproduction of an ancient Irish Bible. Actually, it is only the New Testament, but if my wife dropped it on my head, I would be in heaven half an hour before the devil knew I was dead. Or the cops. But I wouldn't complain.
What. The. Hell? I don't know if I could accomplish such a feat of literary gibberish, but I feel compelled to try:
The stakes and porterhouse steaks can be monumental when you're talking about getting hit in the groin with a groin-ball. I have a 20-pound groin ball at home, a reproduction of an ancient Gaul groin ball. Actually, it's only for the left testicle, but if my girlfriend threw it at my groin, it could crush my right testicle a good hour and 15 minutes before my left testicle knew what was going on. Or my penis. But I won't complain.
Mark Olson, an eight-term conservative who has been one of the preachifying lawmakers who have spent years trying to write their religion into government, shouldn't complain, either.
That's quite the claim by Coleman, but of course he doesn't cite any examples, so we're just expected to believe what Nick writes, which is a tough pill to swallow, considering his previous paragraph.
You are asking for it when you walk out of jail carrying a Bible, as Olson did, claiming your beliefs make you the "head of the household."
It's nice how Nick has already condemned Olson as an abuser, even though he hasn't even gone to trial yet. Perhaps he should be reminded of a certain Duke lacrosse rape case before passing summary judgement. But, what fun would that be?
To the moon, Olson.
Ooh! Snap! You see that Nick did there? He totally did a call-back to his Buzz Aldrin anecdote earlier! That was a kind of joke! It was funny! It was. . . it was. . . *loser horns*
It's not the Bible that's the problem. If Bibles were outlawed, outlaws would still hit people with them. The trouble isn't the word of God, but the actions of his confused creatures, we angry, lonely Bible bashers.
Nick is a fine one to opine about confused creatures.
Friends, the lesson is simple:
Read your Bible. Or your Koran or your Torah or any sacred text you choose. Follow their wisdom. Just don't throw them at other people.
This passage of Coleman-esque advice-erating reminds me of another classic Nick Coleman bit, specifically:
His best rap is called "Son of Perdition," and it preaches a message of turning to the Bible and the Qur'an, or what have you.
To which I correctly zinged: The Bible and the Qur'an, OR WHAT HAVE YOU?! He wrote that? And left it in? OR WHAT HAVE YOU? What? You don't have a Bible or Qur'an handy? You have The DaVinci code? That'll work. What have you.
Welcome back, Nick. The Strib just isn't the same without your unique brand of journalism.
I gotta say, Rhodes, that you're being a dick again. Put yourself in his shoes, he's got to meet a target number of column inches in order to get paid, so he does so. He's under no illusions as to the intelligence of the average mid-western US paper reader. Do you hear any complaints in other media about how hard he sucks? I expect not. I can only judge your contempt of Nick Coleman in the context of professional jealosy; that you percieve yourself to be a better writer, dissatisfied with your current place in life, and wishing that you could take his job, since you claim to know how to do it better than he does.
OK, imagine you've been in his shoes for 10 years. You have to churn out a certain number of words per week or the mortgage doesn't get paid. You know your readership isn't particularly critical, being farmboys and that, so you know you don't have to put too much into each article. Then some pseudo-intellectual comes along and offers an uninvited critique to your prose, suggesting that every piece of hack journalism in the world has to meet Pulitzer standards, even though his own does not. Tough, since you have a job and he only has a blog. What are you going to do?
Personally, I'd aim somewhere higher up the ladder with any career aspirations that I might have, but then I'm not shoring up an inadequate ego.
Posted by: simon at July 20, 2007 07:55 AMNice to see you, too, Simon.
I gotta say, Rhodes, that you're being a dick again.
Did I ever stop?
Put yourself in his shoes, he's got to meet a target number of column inches in order to get paid, so he does so.
Oh, Jesus Christ. So, the paper is willing to print complete and utter dreck, so long as Nick comes in at the appropriate number of column inches? Try harder, Simon. This is getting dull.
He's under no illusions as to the intelligence of the average mid-western US paper reader. Do you hear any complaints in other media about how hard he sucks?
Oh, you know, here and there:
http://journalism.nyu.edu/pubzone/weblogs/pressthink/2004/10/02/coleman_hit.html
http://www.captainsquartersblog.com/mt/archives/002644.php
Generally speaking, though, Coleman is small potatoes in the media world, and is pretty much written off as a hack, so I consider my trashing of the man's written crap to be an amusing exercise.
I expect not. I can only judge your contempt of Nick Coleman in the context of professional jealosy;
Jealous of Nick Coleman? Oh, you got me. *rolls eyes*
that you percieve yourself to be a better writer,
I am. Hands down. Ding the bell.
dissatisfied with your current place in life,
Actually, now that I'm back in a pure writing capacity, you're wrong on this one. Of course, most everyone strives for something more, but right now, I'm pretty happy. Next?
and wishing that you could take his job, since you claim to know how to do it better than he does.
First off, yes, I do know how to do his job better than he does. Thanks for playing. Secondly, I write a column for a couple local papers right now, and I've never made a secret of the fact a Strib columnist job would be a pretty sweet deal. But, I certainly don't "wish" to take Nick's job. I'm more than happy to simply rip on his nonsense.
OK, imagine you've been in his shoes for 10 years. You have to churn out a certain number of words per week or the mortgage doesn't get paid.
Oh, please. Nick Coleman could blow spit bubbles in his office and still get paid. His brother is the mayor of St. Paul and his wife is (was?) a columnist for the St. Paul Pioneer Press. Nick's so embedded in the metro media gaggle, it would take several tons of TNT to extricate him. He knows this, so he's perfectly okay with churning out half-assed stupidity.
You know your readership isn't particularly critical, being farmboys and that, so you know you don't have to put too much into each article.
That's some fine, prejudicial preconceptions you got there, Simon. Perhaps you'd like to call all Minnesotans slack-jawed yokels just to round it out?
Then some pseudo-intellectual comes along
Oh, SNAP!
and offers an uninvited critique to your prose, suggesting that every piece of hack journalism in the world has to meet Pulitzer standards, even though his own does not.
Pulitzer standards? Hardly. And, I've never made any claims that my blogging writing is anything other than it is. You've probably never read anything I've written outside of this blog venue, so I don't expect you to know what my professional writing looks like. Suffice it to say, I'd put anything I've written professionally against anything Nick has ever written, and I expect I'd win in the forum of public opinion nine times out of ten.
Tough, since you have a job and he only has a blog. What are you going to do?
Coming from a guy who doesn't even HAVE a blog, and who just posts angry, rambling comments when the mood so strikes, you'll forgive me if I don't take your criticism all that seriously. *dismissive wave*
Personally, I'd aim somewhere higher up the ladder with any career aspirations that I might have, but then I'm not shoring up an inadequate ego.
Well then, aim away there, Simon old chap. I must say, though, your perception of what my "career aspirations" are is so wildly off the mark it's comical.
And "inadequate ego?" Dude, we've never met, but I can assure you, I have the most rampaging, over-the-top, narcissistic ego you've ever seen. In fact, I made wrote this comment while flexing and admiring myself in a mirror.
I have the most rampaging, over-the-top, narcissistic ego you've ever seen. In fact, I made wrote this comment while flexing and admiring myself in a mirror.
That is so going on my refrigerator next to the Double Dragon gi picture.
Posted by: anonymous at July 21, 2007 02:39 PM
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