July 12, 2007

The Most Melodramatic Lead Paragraph Ever Written

If ever there was a reason to stop reading "Men's Health," this article is it.

The baby-faced kid is crushed against the chain-link octagon, swallowing punches from a fighter twice his size. His skin glows under the lights, until something gives way, and soon he's covered in blood. He's done, pinned, but too proud to tap out yet the crowd jeers when the ref stops the fight. Even his father protests. Somehow, this Cleveland cage fight has become Caesar's coliseum.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to just roll my eyes into the back of my head and let loose with a drawn out. . . JEEEEESUS CHRRRRRRIIIIIST!

You just know, in the deepest pit of your being, the person writing this drivel doesn't know the damned first thing about MMA fighting. If the kid didn't tap out, maybe, just maybe, his opponent didn't have a technique locked in adequately enough to make him want to tap out. Maybe the kid had some wiggle room he could have exploited, and the fans saw this, but the ref stepped in anyway, hence the jeers. This writer makes it sound like a newborn was ripped from his mother's bosom and tossed to a panther, while the crowd writhed in orgasmic revelry at the spectacle.

Oh, and the rest of the article sucks, too. Or, maybe I'm just SOOOOO ANGRY!

Also, this is a quibbling point, but Caesar never had a coliseum. Caesar predated the coliseum by a couple hundred years. Yes, I know Roman emperors after Caesar were sometimes called "Caesar," but somehow I don't think that's what this moronic writer had in mind.

Posted by Ryan at July 12, 2007 03:44 PM | TrackBack

I'm not sure it even makes sense. UFC fights are by weight class, how could this newborn baby get in the ring with someone twice his size? And how in the hell do you swallow a punch, anyway?

Dammit, my logic circuits are tripping because I'm just so angry. Must go find some kittens to stomp on! Grrrrr, HULK SMASH!

Posted by: Erik at July 17, 2007 11:05 PM
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