In today's mad, 24/7 news cycle, where you're subjected to news and commentary from every possible medium, including the schizophrenic on the bus wearing underwear on his head who is certain Richard Nixon was actually Elvis (their famous meeting was just a ruse), it's difficult to sift through it all and find the stories that really matter; the stories that make a difference.
Thankfully, being the journalistic paradigm of excellence I am, I take it upon myself to snatch important news items from the ether and bring them to your attention, complete with snarky commentary.
For example, if it wasn't for me, you may not know that recently a woman tried to open an airliner door in mid-flight so she could have a quick smoke.
According to a Nov. 21, Associated Press report out of Brisbane, Australia, "A French woman who is terrified of flying admitted in an Australian court Monday that she drunkenly tried to open an airplane door mid-flight to smoke a cigarette."
Now, fear of flying is a pretty widespread phenomenon, which even affects those of questionable intelligence, like John Madden. However, this woman has singlehandedly spawned a new and deep-seeded phobia within me: namely, a fear of flying with those afraid of flying.
"Defense lawyer Helen Shilton told the court Sellies was terrified of flying and had taken sleeping tablets with alcohol before takeoff."
I mean, seriously, the next time I'm on a plane, I won't be nervously looking for the next potential shoe bomber. No, I'll be scanning the passengers for those with a drowsy look to them and smelling of Jack Daniels. You never know when they'll whip out a Winston and start fumbling with a door.
In other booze news, we turn to a Nov. 22, Reuters news report out of Berlin, Germany, where we learn that "a German man drank too much, wet his bed and set fire to his apartment while trying to dry his bedding, police in the western town of Muelheim said Monday."
Sometimes, snarky commentary actually writes itself. I mean even I, the snarkiest snarker in all of snark-opolis can't improve on the paragraph that followed that stellar lead:
"'He was too drunk to go to the toilet,' said a police spokesman. 'The next morning he put a switched-on hairdryer on the bed to dry it and left the apartment.' When the 60-year-old returned, his home and belongings were in flames."
The good news? His bed was dry. Granted, it was reduced to a pile of blackened ash, but it was DRY blackened ash.
Finally, we turn to Florida, a state known for hurricanes and difficult voting ballots, and also a state where a naked man was accidently tasered in the genitals by a law enforcement officer.
According to a Yahoo.com/s/ap/20051122/ap_on_fe_st/naked_taser;_ylt=Ai87oicKdzJSmmFCEaWOVhXtiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTA5aHJvMDdwBHNlYwN5bmNhdA--">Nov. 22 Associated Press report out of Ft. Myers Beach, Fla., "Police accidentally hit a naked man in the genitals with a Taser after he was caught breaking windows and asking women to touch him, authorities said."
Now, let's be honest, if you're running around naked, breaking windows and asking women to touch you, a timely genital tasering would probably do you a world of good. I'm not saying it should be a national policy or anything like that. I'm simply saying that it might provide the jolt you need to realize you're dabbling in some pretty offensive behavior.
In fact, I think genital tasering may be in order if you're trying to step out of an airliner in mid-flight for a smoke, or if you're trying to dry a urine-soaked mattress with a hair dryer.
Sadly, my most favorite series on television, HBO's "Rome," had its season finale last night, about the only television show my girlfriend and I have ever agreed on.
So, anyway, I realize that Caesar had to die. You can't rewrite history and all that. But why would ANYONE want to kill off Niobe? How could you possibly dispose of eye candy that looks like THIS? Sweet mother of pearl, what a travesty.
If you're in the Twin Cities/Rochester area, and you have the interior design eye of Oedipus after the realization he'd been doinking his own mother, and you kind of need a professional interior designer to assist you with anything from home layout to paint color consultations, I hereby suggest. . . Melissa Whited Interiors.
