There's something both exciting and foreboding about the first snowfall of the season.
On the one hand, everything's gray and dead and exhausted, and you're kind of craving a nice white blanket to erase all that gloom, like Mother Nature shaking an Etch-a-Sketch, only totally different.
On the other hand, you know that the first snowfall signifies the start of the tunnel, the long creeping crawl through the dark months of winter.
Onto this conflicting stage enters the Minnesota meteorologist, a person who believes it's their mission in life to make even the most mundane weather report sound like the impending invasion of Normandy.
Take this week, for example. It's cold right now. This cold snap hit suddenly, like a surprise bout of diarrhea. Just one week ago, we were flirting coyly with 60 degrees. Now, 50 of those degrees left the dance with that better-looking jock with the square jaw and rippling pectoral muscles.
Oh, and we also had our first snowfall.
Which, to hear the local meteorologists tell it in advance, you'd think we were about to experience Snowfall Katrina. What follows is a completely made-up report that accurately reflects the weather news broadcasts we were treated to this week.
NEWS ANCHOR: We turn now to our own meteorologist, Sam Snow. Sounds like we have a bit of cold weather coming in, Sam.
SAM SNOW: You have no idea! I was just at my computer, and the monitor actually cracked, CRACKED, when it simulated just how cold it's going to be in the coming days. The only other time I got results like that was when I was messing around with possible weather conditions on the planet Pluto. People, do NOT go outside unless you really have to. You WILL die! Instantly! If you absolutely have to leave the house, bring a bucket of lava with you to pour over your head. That should give you the precious extra seconds you need to make it to your car.
NEWS ANCHOR: And I understand we have some snow headed our way, as well.
SAM SNOW: Oh, jeez, I forgot about the snow. SNOW! Frozen water particulates sent forth by a vengeful God! We shall see snowfall in quantities not seen since the great glaciers shaped our land!
NEWS ANCHOR: And how much would that be?
SAM SNOW: Anywhere from three to six, or four to eight inches! That may not seem like a lot, but when you consider it takes earth's tectonic plates roughly a year to scrape along about one inch or so, you realize that, overnight, we could experience eight years of tectonic movement in snowfall.
NEWS ANCHOR: I'm afraid I don't understand.
SAM SNOW: Who can fully understand the weather we're about to experience?! Since the dawn of mankind, we've struggled to understand why weather acts the way it does, all culminating with this one final broadcast about the most dire winter storm ever to hit anywhere. I'm honored, frankly, to even have been a small part of it.
NEWS ANCHOR: What should people do to prepare, Sam?
SAM SNOW: Pray! Pray until your knees are scuffed and your palms are rough and calloused! And, as I said, don't go outside, for death surely awaits someone so foolish. Spend time with your loved ones, and ration your food, so hopefully you can make it through these next impossible days. If need be, you can even eat your loved ones.
END BROADCAST
Oh, and in closing, if you're an area resident, you know that we had about an inch of accumulation, which made local meteorologists seem kind of like silly hype-mongers.
From the Minneapolis Star-Tribune's Letters-to-the-editor:
Undisputed facts
In spite of President Bush's statements regarding who agreed with him about invading Iraq, there are two simple points to remember: The people who hit us on 9/11 are still at large four years later, and the people we are now fighting were not involved.
KEN LESSLEY, NEW HOPE
I could be wrong here, but I'm pretty sure the people who "hit us" on 9/11 didn't live much beyond .0001 seconds after they hit us. Airplane fuel burns pretty hot, from what I understand.
Last night, I was in a local gas station, stocking up on Diet Pepsi, and while in line I listened to two young men talk about the current geo-political state of the world. They were basically in agreement with each other, and they seemed to feed off their own agreement, culminating in an exchange that stuck with me:
GUY 1: And really, 9/11 wasn't even that bad.
GUY 2: I know!
Now, I understand it's been about four years or so since that morning, but I remember it pretty vividly. In fact, it's probably one of the most vivid mornings I can recall. Ever.
So, I was standing there in line, thinking back to that morning, trying to imagine myself standing amongst a sea of IBM co-workers huddled around a television kiosk and saying something to the tune of "Well, you know, it's really not that bad."
I probably would have been punched in the stomach, and then the face.
Nowadays, there are some people who are apparently okay with what happened on 9/11. In fact, they think we should absorb even more going forward.
For some reason, I'm not even surprised.
Now for a list of celebrities in an attempt to boost traffic: Hilary Duff. Kiera Knightly. Amanda Bynes. Lindsay Lohan. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Kelly Clarkson. Christina Aguilera. Emma Watson. Ashley Tisdale. Amber Tamblyn. Kirsten Dunst. Kristy Lee Cook. Jessica Sierra. Eva Mendes. Hilary Duff. Kiera Knightly. Amanda Bynes. Lindsay Lohan. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Kelly Clarkson. Christina Aguilera. Emma Watson. Ashley Tisdale. Amber Tamblyn. Kirsten Dunst. Kristy Lee Cook. Jessica Sierra. Eva Mendes. Hilary Duff. Kiera Knightly. Amanda Bynes. Lindsay Lohan. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Kelly Clarkson. Christina Aguilera. Emma Watson. Ashley Tisdale. Amber Tamblyn. Kirsten Dunst. Kristy Lee Cook. Jessica Sierra. Eva Mendes. Hilary Duff. Kiera Knightly. Giorgia Palmas.
Caroline says: What's up, early riser?
Ryan says: Keer-riist.
Ryan says: Was here at 6:30 to prep.
Ryan says: Ended up saying one sentence during a 40 minute call about NOTHING!
Caroline says: That's usually how it goes.
Ryan says: I was hoping to get some potential content for March/April. Nothing.
Caroline says: BUmmer
Ryan says: Man, there were people from Germany and Italy and Australia on that call.
Ryan says: I think France, too.
Caroline says: bien
Ryan says: It was boredom and pointlessness on an international scale.
Caroline says: And you were part of it.
People often ask me:
"Ryan, you're a damned fine looking man."
I love that question.
Last night during jiu-jitsu, the instructor was demonstrating a technique on me, and accidently bumped my chin, resulting in one of my upper teeth sawing across my lower lip. It sliced, basically, my entire top layer of skin off my lower lip.
After class, I went to a Mexican restaurant with my girlfriend.
NOTE: Salsa absolutely BURNS an exposed, sliced lower lip.
