September 09, 2005
Duty Calls
I've been summoned, so I shall fisk this.
Everyone is playing the blame game on Hurricane Katrina and New Orleans, and we at the top end of the Mississippi River can join the fun by pointing fingers close to home.
Or we could, you know, stop frickin' blaming for a few frickin' weeks and start frickin' DOING something useful for the Katrina victims. But, I suppose such obviosness has never occurred to Coleman in the past, so why should it start occurring to him now?
Part of what drowned New Orleans is a political ideology determined to shrink government and ignore scientific evidence of global warming. Well, "stuff" flows downhill, and some of those tainted ideas came straight from Minnesota.
I'm going to take a stab at this, and it's a half-hearted stab that's not even reinforced by a Google search, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that PART OF WHAT DROWNED NEW ORLEANS WAS WATER! In fact, most of what drowned New Orleans was WATER. That damndable chemical known as di-hydrogen oxide. Oh, and a freakin' hurricane. Last I heard, and again my knowledge on this is a bit hampered, but according to the news reports I've watched, hurricanes don't consist of swirling, high-powered political ideologies determined to shrink government and ignore scientific evidence of global warming.
Take a 1998 publication of the Center of the American Experiment, a conservative think tank in Minneapolis that has pooh-poohed global warming and pushed for "limited government." To some folks, that means government should cut taxes on the rich instead of wasting money on flood levees.
Of course, Coleman neglects to mention that the levees that actually were breached were among the most recently updated (and deemed in good condition by the Army corps of engineers) with, wait for it, FEDERAL money. Oh, and also, it takes years and years to construct and/or update a levee system so, even if funding hadn't been so "evilly" cut, you probably wouldn't have seen new levees until somewhere around 2011 (pure guesstimate on my part, but so is most of Coleman's research). Of course, I imagine the little cymbal-clanging monkey in Coleman's head believes that levees are built with a little elbow grease and a trowel and can be completed in an afternoon, if you really put your mind to it.
The results of such recent American Experiments are on view in New Orleans, where the most effective government initiatives have come in the form of supplying body bags and restricting journalists from recording images of the human costs of government inaction.
"Restricting" is Coleman's way of translating "Requesting." Easily confused terms, I know, particularly when your mind works about as effectively as wet gunpowder.
In "Global Warming: Divided Science and Unfounded Policy" (and many other papers) the center argued that even if global warming is real, the cost of fighting it is too high. Cutting back on emissions (by agreeing to the Kyoto Protocols), the report contended, would put a damper on the economic wealth that will save us from hurricanes that might take lots of lives in poorer countries but not here, by gum.
"By gum" was actually in the original text for the Center of the American Experiment, but they eventually threw it out in favor of "Boy howdy."
The piece was written by David W. Riggs, formerly a senior fellow at the center. Riggs now rails against global warming from the Competitive Enterprise Institute, a right-wing think tank in Washington, D.C., whose mission is preventing environmental concerns from interfering with business.
Okay, let's take a nice long second to really appreciate what Coleman is trying to do here. He is trying to say that global warming was the culprit responsible for Hurricane Katrina, because, you know, Katrina was a Category 5 hurricane. Coleman's not the only dope to make this logical vomit. I call it logical vomit because, under this sort of reasoning, every other hurricane that comes after Katrina is going to be a Category 5 or stronger. Don't they HAVE to be? Oh, wait, I guess there was another Category 5, Camille, in 1969, back when the theory of global warming was little more than an itch in science's shorts, and we have Category 4 hurricanes going all the way back to the turn of the century and further. So, maybe Coleman's just being his usual dumbass self.
Fatality lists might be "tragically long" in Bangladesh, Riggs wrote. But storm fatalities in the U.S. -- even with global warming -- would be "few" because "our economic well-being reduces our exposure to risk and facilitates recuperation when disaster strikes."
AHA! Gotcha!
You know, it occurs to me, Coleman's bio at the Star-Tribune says: Nick Coleman writes about people and events in the metro area. So, it begs the question: What the fuck is Coleman doing quoting a guy located in Washington D.C. in a column about a hurricane that hit nowhere near the metro area? I think it's beyond time that the Strib starts trying to rein this maroon in a little bit.
Quoting another author, Riggs explains: "The wealth of our society makes it possible for people to incur the expenses of relocation."
If Riggs is quoting another author, shouldn't that author be attributed? Nevermind.
Oh, really? Tell that to the people who drowned in nursing homes while waiting for help from "emergency" agencies that moved like molasses in January.
YEAH!
Oh, wait, those buses were supposed to be coordinated by New Orleans officials. . . so, I guess. . . er, Center of the American Experiment? Uh, water? Ummm. . . uhhhhh. . . DAMN YOU GLOBAL WARMING AND ADULT ADD!
Tell it to all the babies who have lost their mothers. Tell it to all those who hungered and thirsted and prayed and begged for help.
Yes, let's gather all those people around and try to explain to them that the reason for their misery is global warming.
Once upon a time, Americans pledged each other their lives, their fortunes and their honor. Then those who hate government came to govern.
WTF? Does anybody else's brain hurt right now trying to figure out where the hell Coleman is going with all of this, or where he came from, or where he should go? Don't you just want to club him about the head and shoulders with a Clue x 4?
During the tragedy in New Orleans they stood by while poor people died, behaving like the fortunate folks in first class on the Titanic who rested on the oars of their half-empty lifeboats -- safely distancing themselves from the shouts and screams of steerage passengers until the waters quieted.
They? Who are they? Riggs? Babies? How does this apply to the Twin Cities metro area? How can so many unrelated threads be brought together so haphazardly into such an ugly literary tapestry? Why didn't I get the least bit turned on by Kate Winslet's bare tits in Titanic?
The destruction of New Orleans is a travesty of injustice and indifference that will haunt us for years, fueled by the blindness of ideologues who think global warming is good and government is bad and who don't see poor people in the path of destruction until they float to the surface.
"Ideologues who think global warming is good." You just kind of what to let that sentence fragment hang there for awhile, airing it out. It's such an awful sentence fragment, with no basis in anything, least of all fact, that it just emanates a kind of stink, like when you walk into the bathroom after your roommate's been in there for 40 minutes. Everything that follows that fragment is practically invalidated by it. When Coleman shoots himself in the foot, he apparently uses a Howitzer.
In the past days, I have heard Fox News' Bill O'Reilly say you shouldn't count on government to protect you. I have heard radio's Rush Limbaugh say that expecting the government to build levees is an example of a welfare mentality. I have heard many ideological zealots excuse the appalling failure to save the sick, the elderly, the children, by shrugging their well-tailored shoulders and saying there is a limit on what government should do and the private sector should be called upon first.
Just a point of order here, if Rochester, Minn., is swept away by a tornado, I fully intend, and have always fully intended, to rely on myself first, my gun second, my neighbors third, local authorities fourth, the private sector maybe fifth, and somewhere way the down the fucking line I expect the federal government to arrive and lend a hand (and, yes, do a better job than FEMA is currently doing in New Orleans).
But, wait a minute Nick, I thought this was about GLOBAL WARMING!
Here's what they mean: Them that has big wheels and wallets can get out. Them that don't must sink or float.
And now it's a class warfare column! Nick is touching all his hot button issues this time around. I wonder if he'll get around to complaining about storm sewer fees.
That is not America. That is our stereotype of Bangladesh. But even Bangladesh works better in a disaster than we do.
Yeah, once U.S. aid arrives, maybe.
I have a suggestion for another American Experiment. If anyone still thinks government should not be responsible for saving people, let's lock them in an attic where water is rising to the roof. Without an ax.
This is Nick Coleman disengenuousness taken to a whole new level. He hears Limbaugh and O'Reilly say that citizens should not expect the federal government to be their first line of relief after a disaster (absolutely CORRECT), and he portrays it as them saying government shouldn't be responsible for saving people at all. "Let 'em all rot and float!" I imagine his television screen consists of a thick lacquer of his own Coleman spittle from hours of him screaming at it.
There are no atheists in foxholes. And there wouldn't be any government-haters in that attic, praying not to be saved by a firefighter who draws his pay from the public till.
Um, global warming? American Experiment? Yoo hoo! Anybody see a point here? I'm at the end of the column now, still looking for a point. Hellloooooo? Anyone? Anyone? Riggs? Beuller?
UPDATE: Wow, Daily Kos channels his inner Nick Coleman. Best parts, as if penned by the non-monkey himself:
Conservatives believe government shouldn't exist to help people. That everyone should be left to the wolves.
Rrrrrigggght. Which explains the approval of $62 billion in relief money. Which explains all the relief efforts that were taking place (though arguably flawed) even before the levees gave up the ghost.
Democrats would've taken care of Katrina victims from the get go. That would've been our first impulse, our first instinct. Republicans had to be shamed into helping people.
They would have waved their magical Democrat wands and done everything perfectly correct! In fact, they would have banded together to force the hurricane down to a Category 1/2. They would have focused their collective Democrat "feel-good" rays to rebuild the levees to withstand meteor strikes! Isn't 20/20 hindsight about the greatest thing EVER? They would have gotten all those buses up and running like, um, all those local and state Democrats failed to do. . .
Kos, step away from the Coleman frequency. Believe me, you don't want to go there.
We're PUN-dits
Caroline says: Whoopti Dew
Ryan says: Not sure I want to try that, but it's funny.
Caroline says: Not as funny as clowns.
Ryan says: What is?
Caroline says: Another good point.
Ryan says: I'm so full of good points, I'm practically a pin cushion.
Caroline says: The kind that's shaped like a strawberry?
Ryan says: I thought they were shaped like tomatos.
Caroline says: Some are shaped like strawberries.
Caroline says: Those were my favorite.
Ryan says: You had a favorite kind of pin cushion?
Caroline says: You got to have favorites.
Caroline says: That's what makes it sew fun.
Ryan says: You seam to be unravelling.
Caroline says: I've been hemming and hawing a lot lately.
Ryan says: Your sanity is hanging by a thread. I shouldn't needle you.
Pride
By the way, yes, I am immensely proud that the adsense ad over on the right is sporting a "Fishy Vaginal Odor" heading. I think that's pretty cool.
September 08, 2005
Once more, from Mandy
Mandy is my friend. She lives in Houston, Texas. She, like countless others in the South affected by Katrina, has a story to tell. And, although hers' may not be as harrowing as some, it's still worth passing on. Her workplace gave everyone Tuesday off to volunteer. What follows is her recounting of what she did and saw:
Hurricane Katrina became extremely personal for me this past weekend. I had been watching the images on the news of New Orleans and knew that my family in Poplarville, MS, Gulfport, MS, and Picayune, MS had been hit, but with the majority of news coverage on NOLA I figured my family was okay. I had received sketchy reports last week from various relatives, but due to the power/communications outage, most of the reports were from someone that had talked to someone else or heard from someone and they said to get in touch with this person, etc. I finally talked to my grandmother Monday evening and her entire family resides in that area. She was the only child of 5 that had left MS and LA and relocated. My family is rather large so I refer to many of these people as "uncles" although that may not be the exact relation they are to me. My grandmother reported that her brother, Farrell's, house is still standing but they lost everything as portions of the roof are gone as well as all of the windows. They have been living in it for over a week with no power and no roof. One of my aunts, along with both of her adult daughters, (3 households) lost everything, but they are all safe. My great-grandmother (by marriage) also lost all she owned. As of last night, we have 2 confirmed deaths in our family in MS with one of them being discovered by Farrell as he was walking around the area a couple of days after Katrina hit. It appears an elderly uncle was trying to get to Farrell's house, but did not make it. They did recover the body and were able to identify him which is a blessing although it is also a tragedy. There is basically nothing left of the town where my mom grew up and went to school, the same town where my grandparents grew up, met, and married. Volunteering and donating has taken on an extra meaning for me and much of my family.
A group of us decided to meet up at the office on Tuesday morning to volunteer for the Katrina evacuees. We weren't exactly sure where we were going to volunteer because the needs and locations were changing everyday in Houston. After reading a volunteering link from a local news website, we decided to head to the Astrodome as they were extremely shorthanded after the holiday weekend and many of the volunteers returning to work.
We arrived at the Dome and signed in with about 30 other volunteers and as soon as they finished the 5-minute orientation a lady started pulling groups of us that were needed in various locations asap. My group of 12 volunteered to go to processing as they had a bus of new arrivals pulling in at that moment. This didn't make a lot of sense to me because the news continually reported that Texas was full and we could take no more survivors. Well, 7 – 8 busloads of new arrivals passed through processing during my shift on Tuesday. Processing is the first place for the evacuees to go when they step off a bus and it involves being registered so we have some idea of who is where, getting a list of lost family members, finding out which medications people need or have been missing, etc. It is also the first location where survivors can pick up much needed items like the personal care kits, clothing, diapers, and snacks. The first group that entered the Dome was from a state home of some sort in LA and they had evacuated to a hotel during the storm. While talking to the group throughout the day I found out that the winds & water were blowing the a/c unit into their hotel room. The power had gone out and the men were standing at the windows and trying to put chairs in front of them and towels around the window so their room would not get wet. After 1 ½ days in the hotel, they relocated to the Convention Center. They said it was not too bad when they first arrived, but as time passed people would use the restroom wherever they were standing and fights were breaking out. Because of the group's special needs, they were one of the earliest groups taken out of the Convention Center and bussed to Arkansas. When they arrived in Arkansas, they were told there wasn't room for them but they could stay for the night. One man told me this was the only night he had slept in the past week. The next day the group was bussed from AR to Houston on a Metro with no restroom. They were stopping every half hour for restroom breaks and had been refused service in one of the facilities where they stopped.
I spent much of my day with the special needs group because they couldn't leave their area without supervision. They had to be escorted to the bathroom and to smoke. One of the men in the group, actually the first one I made contact with, asked me (with tears in his eyes) to find his wife and kids and started listing their names. I had no idea how to respond to him and knew I was in for a looooong day. The Astrodome, however, does have a computer room facility for the survivors to track down relatives and other evacuees. One of the oldest ladies in the group, in her late 70s, needed to go to the restroom and required help in getting there and getting her clothing situated. As I was helping her in the port a potty, I saw she had on about 8 layers including corduroy overalls, 3 shirts, a skirt, and jeans. Once we navigated through the layers she said she had put on everything she could because they had told her they were evacuating and she didn't want to be left with nothing or take charity. One lady asked me why it took us (America) so long to get to them. Why did we leave them stranded? How do you answer that?
I was also tasked with locating the clinic and taking new arrivals in need of care to the medical station. One diabetic older lady, carrying 2 garbage bags of possessions, did not want to go get treatment if it meant leaving her bags behind. She said her life was in those bags. We did "hide" her bags the best we could & I wheeled her to the clinic, outside and around the other side of the Dome. When she returned later in the day, her bags were safe, she thanked me & hugged me. Before getting on another bus to depart, she grabbed my hand. She said, "Please keep me in your prayers. Lord knows I need some help."
Another man asked me where he could volunteer or find out about volunteering. He wanted to have a place to stay and then come help any others that needed it. This was a man with half a garbage bag holding everything he owned and had probably slept 1 night in the past 6 or 7 and his first thought was volunteering to help others.
In my day at the Dome, I saw every age, race, and income bracket step off of those buses. I saw families, people who had lost their families, and some people who still had no idea what was going on or where they were. I saw kids with no parents because their parents had handed them to others to make sure their kids made it out of NOLA even if the parents didn't. There were people who would not take any of the donated items because others needed it more. Most of the people I spoke with simply wanted a place to call home so they could get jobs, find family, and start over. I was asked numerous times about housing, employment opportunities, and getting kids in school.
Many people wanted to know about their city. Was there anything left? How many people died? Did the cops catch the looters? Was everyone out? When could they go home? These people hadn't seen the 24/7 news coverage the past week so they really had no idea what has happening other than what they witnessed firsthand.
I was thanked over and over throughout the day. I was told how great Houston was to take on this many people. I was also told that no other city has opened their arms & hearts the way we have & they will never forget us. A lady told me she was remembering all of the faces of the volunteers to ask God to send them an extra little blessing for their service. People hugged me with tears in their eyes or grabbed my hand before they were shipped off to their next location. I have never felt more helpless and more helpful at the same time. And honestly, I wasn't doing anything other than being there. I wasn't performing a special skill or doing a task for which I needed any training. I was just there and willing to do what I could, and for the people I encountered that was enough for that day. I thought about my own family while I was in the Dome and that is all I wish for them as well. Just let someone be there. My other relatives can't reach them or get to them, but I thank God for the people that are there and willing to do what they can.
September 07, 2005
Introducing: Marker Farts
I'm letting marker farts right now.
"Marker farts?" you ask.
"Yes, marker farts," I answer.
"Well, what are marker farts, Rhodes?"
Glad you asked. Marker farts are farts you stealthily pass while in your office. You can do that because you have no officemate to worry about today. Unfortunately, the farts you're letting are so unspeakably foul, you start to worry about other co-workers coming into your office.
So, to mask the offensive air biscuits, you pop the cap off a Sanford brand KING SIZE permanent marker and wave it around in the air so its inky, alcohol stench blends with your anal emissions to make an odd-smelling air blend that doesn't quite smell like ass, but it doesn't quite smell like marker, either.
Hence, marker farts.
Of course, they could be marker farts in an entirely different way, but I have to wait until I get home to check that.
Thank you for reading this installment of Rambling Rhodes Potty Talk.
Mandy Reports Again From Houston
Mandy says: so many of the people were so grateful
Mandy says: thanking us
Mandy says: and a lady asked, "why did it take you so long to get to us?"
Mandy says: i think i actually heard my heart breaking in that second
Ryan says: I imagine they're kind of bewildered and in shock.
Mandy says: yep
Mandy says: and want some kind of stability
Mandy says: and we can't really offer that yet
Ryan says: Seeing what you're seeing, can you understand at all why the response took so long? I'm trying to get a feel for what it must be like, but in Minnesota I may as well be on Mars.
Mandy says: i can't understand why food/water wasn't dropped
Mandy says: other than that, there are so many fucking people
Mandy says: and it takes time to mobilize what was/is needed
Mandy says: i do know there is NO way to evacuate 1.4 million in 2 days
Mandy says: I-10 was a parking lot heading into houston on sunday
Mandy says: took people 15 hours to make a 5 - 6 hour trip
Mandy says: no one could have prepared for this though
Mandy says: and my conviction is even stronger for people to shut up about all of it
Ryan says: Don't hold your breath.
Mandy says: ya know? get down here & look at these people in the face & see ALL of the people volunteering for DAYS on end
Mandy says: criticize after the fact
Mandy says: i spent 6 hours at the astrodome yesterday & walked away emotionally/mentally exhausted
September 06, 2005
Into The Not-So-Fun House
A couple of weekends ago, my girlfriend and I went to a place called Wisconsin Dells. Wisconsin Dells is kind of difficult to explain, but if you can imagine a kind of Orlando, Fla., in the heart of Wisconsin, you'd generally get the idea.
There are a lot of generic Disney World-like knock-offs to be found in Wisconsin Dells. I'm fairly certain that, if you were to look hard enough, you'd eventually see a tattered mascot by the name of Mikey Moose or something similar.
As cheesy as it can be at times, Wisconsin Dells is actually kind of fun, provided you stay as far away from the cheesy stuff as you possibly can. There are awesome water parks all over the place, the miniature golf parks rock, and amusement parks abound.
The problem, of course, is that the cheesiest stuff, the stuff you shouldn't waste money on at all, typically has the most interesting looking facades. There's an upside down White House attraction called Top Secret which, if word of mouth is to be believed, a monumental waste of time and money.
So, by and large, my girlfriend and I avoided the more interesting-looking facades and were having a very fun, cheese-free time. Eventually, however, our inner child of persuasion got the better of us and we found ourselves standing outside a fun house called "The Loony Bin."
Now, I have fairly well established preconceptions of what a fun house is supposed to be. Namely, there should be trap doors, false walls, sudden dead ends and all manner of flashing lights and disorienting layout. THAT'S a fun house.
So, when the ticket agent, after liberating us of $14, told us to go into the Loony Bin's waiting room and consort with "Zot, the purple space monkey, and wait for the crazy doctor to arrive," I had my suspicions we were about to experience a whole bunch of cheese.
Zot, it turns out, was an animatronic piece of junk that vaguely looked like a monkey, if you really squinted and looked the other way. Zot spewed forth several annoying recorded insults, including laughing maniacally before saying "I was just thinking of something really funny looking. . . and it was you!"
Finally, mercifully, the crazy doctor arrived and invited us into his office. I knew we were in for significantly more cheese when I saw the crazy doctor was wearing a pair of fluffy bunny ears.
The crazy doctor informed us that he had lost his monkey, and that we'd be able to help track down his lost monkey by following its trail of. . . "monkey poo." Not only were we supposed to diligently follow said trail of poo, we were also instructed to scream "monkey poo" as loud as we could whenever we encountered substantial amounts of the simian excretions.
As near as I could tell, upon finding my first deposit of monkey poo, I was basically looking at a pile of shaving cream. Now, I wasn't going to get down and smell it or anything, but my professional analysis, coming from a man who has extensive shaving experience, was that the monkey poo was almost definitely shaving cream.
As we made our way through the assorted hallways, we again entered a room where the crazy doctor was waiting, and he proceeded to ask us, in gameshow fashion, what our favorite colors were. He also asked how old we were, and when we answered "30," there was a visible look of discomfort on the already crazy doctor's face. We were, if you can believe it, not his typical target audience.
Once again we were ushered into another hallway, and we made our way more and more swiftly through, at that point not even bothering to look for monkey poo.
We were finally subjected to one last Loony Bin attraction, an animatronic alien with a torn rubber lip and a strobe light laser gun that very nearly blinded me. The crazy doctor emerged after the alien light show to wave "bye-bye" at us, and I swear both my girlfriend and I were at a dead sprint to get the hell out of there.
It took about an hour, some good Mexican food, and a Long Island iced tea to fully wash the Loony Bin experience from my body.
It wasn't until later that night that I saw I had monkey poo on my shoe.
Up to that great shipwreck in the sky
Ryan says: Cardinal: Hey, what do the Pope and Jesus have in common? They're both dead! LOL!
Caroline says: Updated joke: Cardinal: Hey, what do the Pope, Jesus and Gilligan have in common? They're all dead!"
Ryan says: Gilligan died?!!!!!
Caroline says: yeah
Ryan says: Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo!!!
Caroline says: It's common knowledge that Darth was a Gilligan's Island fan
Ryan says: "Gilligan. . . *Vader breath*. . . you are my little buddy."
Caroline says: moment of silence for Gilligan
Ryan says: Followed by a thwack on the shoulder with a sailor's hat.
Caroline says: thwack
Caroline says: hop
Ryan says: What goes *thwack, hop?* A rabbit with a peg leg.
Caroline says: That'd be a sad sight.
Ryan says: Wouldn't it though?
Ryan says: Not as sad a sight as five hot naked women though.
Now for a list of famous women, shamelessly repeated in an attempt to boost my Web traffic:
Hilary Duff. Kiera Knightly. Amanda Bynes. Lindsay Lohan. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Kelly Clarkson. Christina Aguilera. Emma Watson. Ashley Tisdale. Amber Tamblyn. Kirsten Dunst. Sanjaya. Jessica Sierra. Eva Mendes. Hilary Duff. Kiera Knightly. Amanda Bynes. Lindsay Lohan. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Kelly Clarkson. Christina Aguilera. Emma Watson. Ashley Tisdale. Amber Tamblyn. Kirsten Dunst. Sanjaya. Jessica Sierra. Eva Mendes. Hilary Duff. Kiera Knightly. Amanda Bynes. Lindsay Lohan. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Kelly Clarkson. Christina Aguilera. Emma Watson. Ashley Tisdale. Amber Tamblyn. Kirsten Dunst. Sanjaya. Jessica Sierra. Eva Mendes. Hilary Duff. Kiera Knightly. Amanda Bynes. Lindsay Lohan. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Kelly Clarkson. Christina Aguilera. Emma Watson. Ashley Tisdale. Amber Tamblyn. Kirsten Dunst. Sanjaya. Jessica Sierra. Eva Mendes. Giorgia Palmas. Giorgia Palmas. Giorgia Palmas.
September 04, 2005
Great Googily Moogily
You know, sometimes news about important shit happens at such an incredible pace, you almost don't know if your brain can keep up.
I think I'll just crack a beer.
