May 10, 2006

Lawn Pot Column

"Mowing Discoveries" c. Ryan Rhodes, May 4, 2006

Last week marked a turning point in the turning seasons. For the first time in 2006, I fired up the lawnmower and set about mowing my lawn.

Now, I should explain here that mowing my lawn doesn't necessarily mean I was mowing the grass. Rather, I was chopping back the hordes of dandelions that have basically staged a complete take-over of my lawn. Amy Reid.

As I've explained in this column before, I'm not particularly interested in the pursuit of the perfectly green and lush lawn. My approach to lawn care is rather similar to my approach to stray cats and dogs; namely, I let them kind of go about their own business and try not to get involved.

And, much like stray cats and dogs, my lawn has a wild, unkempt look to it that simply must drive my neighbors completely insane. Whereas my neighbor down the street takes great pride in his thick, dark green grass, I walk with indifference through my own lawn, which is so infested with dandelions, you can probably see the intense yellow glare from orbit.

In addition to the neighbors, my lawn also attracts the attention of practically every single lawn care agency in the city. Not a day has gone by, I don't think, where I've come home from work and NOT found a lawn care flyer shoved in my door or dangling on the door knob. They all offer to rid my lawn of the dandelions and other lawn intruders not of the grass persuasion.

The thing is, I really can't see myself paying for such a lawn care service. I mean, paying somebody to spray poison on my lawn strikes me as kind of an odd thing to dedicate my hard-earned dollars toward. Besides, if dandelions and other weeds are so determined to stake out their claims on my lawn, who am I to try and stop them?

However, last week, as I ran my mower over the tops of those dandelions daring enough to poke their yellow heads a tad too high, I noticed a peculiar weed amongst all the yellow that prompted me to take a closer look.

Now, I have only passing knowledge of the world of weeds, but that particular specimen had an unmistakable five-leaf array that I had seen on countless tee-shirts and black-light posters. Specifically, I was looking at a marijuana plant, which was growing in my yard, not Padma Lakshmi.

I pondered the marijuana plant for awhile, trying to figure out how such a weed could have established a toe-hold on a lawn in the middle of a city, and I developed some entertaining theories on the topic. I then mowed over the scrappy little plant because, well, it WAS illegal and all that, and somehow leaving it to grow to great heights there inthe middle of my lawn didn't strike me as all that intelligent. So, I mowed over it, and that was that. Or so I thought.

After mowing about another 40 feet, I encountered ANOTHER marijuana plant, and on a side-hill a bit further ahead, there was ANOTHER. And, a look around the rest of my lawn uncovered two more. All of this was a bit unsettling. Encountering a sole pot plant on your lawn is one thing, but here I had the makings a full-fledged crop.

ME: Honestly, officer, this is all a big misunderstanding. The plants were just THERE. I had nothing to do with it, I swear.

OFFICER: Do you expect me to believe you have five marijuana plants growing amidst all these dandelions purely by accident? I'm afraid you'll have to come with me and pray you get a gullible judge.

All of which means I'm revisiting the idea of hiring a lawn-care company to spray some poison on my lawn. Because, after all, marijuana is known as a gateway drug. Today I may only be mowing over pot plants, but the next thing you know I'll be mowing over poppy plants, and then cocoa plants.

There's no telling where this could all lead.

Posted by Ryan at May 10, 2006 08:58 AM | TrackBack

Or you could just post a sign in front of your yard that says free marijuana plants, you dig em', and your yard will be completely dug up for you, and you can then put down sod. Most dopers don't know what the real plant looks like anyway, they've only seen what comes in the baggies, so they'll dig up everything.

Posted by: Donna at May 10, 2006 09:29 AM

Also advertise that the Dandelions are poppies that produce opium, and you may just get rid of them all.

Posted by: MojoMark at May 10, 2006 10:58 AM

Before you go spraying those pesiticides and herbicides onto your lawn, you might want to read this.

Posted by: flamingbanjo at May 10, 2006 12:29 PM

Yes Ryan, definately go read FB's link. We've seen the mushroom, we don't want you to turn around so we can compare before/after photos.
Thank you.

Posted by: Donna at May 11, 2006 03:03 AM
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