July 18, 2005

I Could Care Less About Lawn Care

It has been dry here in Minnesota. For roughly 216 straight days--to hear some local news outlets tell it--we endured 90+ degree weather with nary a cloud to be seen, to say nothing of clouds pent up with watery goodness.

weather like this had not been experienced since 1989, according to some Minnesota weather historians/nut-cases/people-with-too-much-time-on-their-hands. Some people on the more hysterical fringe insist that weather like this hadn't been experienced for over 4.3 billion years, when the earth was a molten ball of soupy hot rock.

A drought, some would say. A dry spell, would say others. Myself, I liked to think of it as just fucking hot out.

The result of this perpetually baking weather was a lawn cooked to a fine brown crustiness. Even the dandelions, which can live on Pluto if they managed to take root, were finding existence to be exceedingly difficult. Day in and day out, for many, many straight days, the sun beat down upon my lawn and leeched out any semblance of moisture from grass and weeds alike.

And I really didn't care much, which must have driven the neighbors insane.

My lawn was pretty much the only lawn in the neighborhood that never saw even the hint of a sprinkler during the two week sun offensive. Whereas pretty much every other lawn had water sprinklers sending out their fanning, life-giving water spouts, I stubbornly opted to use my water for drinking purposes only.

The end result, of course, is that my lawn is an oasis of dead grass amongst a sea of green lushness, and I've seen more than a few neighbors standing outside, pointing at my cooked, dead lawn in obvious disdain.

Thing is, I don't care if they're disgusted. Watering a lawn has always struck me as an entirely wasteful thing to do. I understand the appeal of a soft, squishy green lawn, but beyond the coolness under the feet, it's always seemed like more of a competition between neighbors to see who can out-green the other, and I simply refuse to take part. You want to compete with me about something, I suggest paintball, not lawn care.

It finally rained last night, so maybe some part of my lawn will be rejuvenated as a result, but generally I don't care one way or another. Last year, the weather was so freakin' cool and wet all season long, I was mowing practially every three days.

This hot spell, as hot and uncomfortalbe as it was, was a mowing reprieve, and if you've experienced the joy of mowing my hill-laden lawn, you know damned well I'm not going to encourage grass growth by watering the damned lawn.

Hell, I'm considering tilling it all up and sowing the soil with salt. Then the neighbors would REALLY freak.

Posted by Ryan at July 18, 2005 11:06 AM | TrackBack

Before moving to Roch, I've lived in the country all my life. Out on the farm no one gives a shit about the lawn. If it dies all that means is you don't have to mow until it comes back to life. We're actually happy when it dies because there's less work to do.

Now that I live in town I'm constantly confronted by all of the suburbanite ass-monkeys who spend hours and hours on lawn care. Heck, the guy I live with fertilizes, waters, and weeds his lawn like he was retired. It baffles my mind at how so many people waste so much time on such a stupid thing. I'd rather spend the time playing video games or out with friends or doing basically ANYTHING that's not lawn care. Fucking townies.

Posted by: Rick at July 18, 2005 12:12 PM

With this post, you have officially become my new hero.

When I became a homeowner about nine years ago, a bitchy neighbor complained to me about some harmless, out of the way weeds in my backyard. They quickly and quietly came back a month later, at which point I received a warning in the mail from the local building inspector to weed the yard or get fined. The building inspector doesn't go around looking for weeds to threaten people over, else he'd have to fine and jail half the people in the town. The bitchy neighbor must have complained to him about me.

I should have planted sunflowers and cornstalks all over the yard just to really get the bitch ticked off.

Posted by: Dave in Pgh. at July 18, 2005 12:37 PM

I don't water my lawn. I don't even cut my lawn. Hell, most of my lawn has been dug up by my rottie. The only part still growing is that bit between the sidewalk and the street, which belongs to the city but I guess I am supposed to take care of. It looks like a jungle.

Posted by: David Grener at July 18, 2005 01:06 PM

After the rain the Boy described our lawn as "sepia."

When we moved to the country, a neighbor informed us that if God wants it to live, he'll send rain. We pretty much live by that wisdom.

(Also, they actually say your grass will do better if not watered during a drought because it goes dormant.)

Posted by: Sandy at July 27, 2005 05:10 PM

It's typical of Americans to waste resources on their beloved lawns and automobiles.

I'm certain that George W. Bush imports Iraqi blood to fertilize his lawn.

Look at how wasteful Americans are. Democrats have poor brown people tend their extravagant lawns while Republicans exploit poor white inbreeds.

Posted by: Sam B. Laden at August 11, 2005 11:02 AM
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