January 17, 2005

Lace Up Those Booties 'Cause It's Cold Out There Today

Driving into work this morning, the car's external temperature reading indicated "0." As in, zero degrees fahrenheit. Yes, folks, here in Minnesota, if you've invested heavily in fahrenheit degrees on Wall Street, chances are you're in line at the local soup kitchen right about now, lamenting your lousy investment savvy.

The sad thing is, when I looked down and saw "0," I thought, "hey, it's warming up today." That's because it's been so freakin' cold over the past week and half, they've been carrying out cryogenic experiments in my back yard.

The funny thing is, being that this is Minnesota, we experience a week or two of these temperatures almost every January, without fail. And we bitch about it, without fail. And, come April, we forget it even happened, without fail. Unless you happen to keep a journal or blog about it, in which case you can call it up for posterity's sake.

Let's check out January 2004, just for the hell of it:

An Ode To Cold

At 32 degress, they say, water tends to freeze
At -19 degrees today, it fucking hurts to breathe.

And let's not forget there's wind chill, too, which makes it minus forty-five
With temps like this, my fingers freeze, and it's hard to stay alive.

I stepped outside this Friday morn, and was greeted by the Cold
"You're brave," good sir, Cold said to me. "You're stupid, but you're bold."

I spoke with Cold, as I stepped in my car, and asked it to please leave
It laughed at me, a hearty "har," and said I was naive.

"I can not go, you silly twit," said Cold as coldly as can be
"You're in Minnesota, you dipshit, your state belongs to me."

"But all these days of sub zero temps," I said, as I tried to plead my case
"And my car won't start despite nine attempts, and there's frostbite on my face."

"You're overdoing the cold," said I. "You're taking things too far!"
"You make me want to fucking cry, and you froze my fucking car!"

Again the Cold just laughed and laughed, and mocked me as I sat
It conjured up a brutal draft, which made me wish I'd worn a hat.

"There's no such thing as too damned cold," said Cold as I sat and froze.
"Such thinking is in need of scold, so here's some frostbite for your nose."

Cold taunted me for minutes more, which filled me with much sorrow.
It finally left, but not before it promised to return tomorrow.

I called a tow truck to start my car, which cost me many bucks.
So I say to all, both near and far, Cold really fucking sucks.

And January 2003, where you can learn everything you ever wanted to know about a Reaumur.

So, yeah, it's cold outside today. And it will probably continue to be cold until sometime around, oh, say, May, at which point it will start to become unbearably hot.

Man I miss Hawaii.

Posted by Ryan at January 17, 2005 09:49 AM

So why did you ever come back from Hawaii?

Posted by: David Gibbs at January 17, 2005 11:30 AM

In Houston, it is just the opposite. We complain from May to September about the ungodly heat & humidity. We are especially pleasant in July & August when a person melts as soon as a door opens to the outside.

Posted by: Mandy at January 17, 2005 03:06 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!