Rambling Rhodes

Canine Cross-Examination

Leave it to Reuters to deliver an important news story that just gets my brain buzzing with all sorts of outlandish imagery. Not that my brain needs much in the way of prompting when it comes to conjuring outlandish imagery. My brain routinely conjures outlandish imagery consisting of Jennifer Aniston, myself, a waterbed, and a French maid costume, with virtually no external prompting whatsoever. And speaking of Jennifer Aniston, here's Jennifer Aniston.

Anyhoo. . .

According to a Jan. 13 Reuters news report out of Tallahasee, Fla., The Florida Supreme Court questioned a drug-sniffing dog's track record on Wednesday in a hearing to determine how competent a canine must be to justify a police search.

It's a tricky question, to be sure. Especially considering that Razor, the dog in question, back in 2000, following a positive car sniff-out of one Gary Alan Matheson, during the ensuing search:

Officers found methamphetamines, morphine, hydrocodone and drug paraphernalia.

Good dog, Razor! Well done! Slap me some paw, little brother! Oop, but wait just one second. Matheson's attorney has some questions for little old Razor.

But Matheson appealed his conviction and said the search was illegal because deputies could not reasonably depend on the dog, which though nationally certified had a history of mistakes.

"The question is whether Razor was sharp," Chief Justice Barbara Pariente chimed in during arguments.

"There is a question whether all dogs are equal," Justice R. Fred Lewis said.

Well, now they're just being mean to poor little Razor, in my humble opinion. Still, I really think that the only way to answer these tough and probing questions is to get Razor up there on the stand to defend himself, and this is where the outlandish mental imagery starts to creep in.

THE SCENE: A hot, muggy, Tallahassee Supreme Court room. Ceiling fans swirl away to no effect. Supreme Court justices, fanning themselves with hastily-made fans constructed out of 2000 Presidenctial recount briefings, anxiously await the testimony of Razor, who is outside the courhouse at the moment, relieving himself on a fire hydrant. Finally, Razor enters the courtroom, padding along the oak floor, tethered by his K-9 handler's leash. Razor appears confused and a little anxious.

BAILIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

RAZOR: *quizzical canine tilt of the head* *nervous growl followed by a yip*

JUSTICE LEWIS: Please be seated, Mr. Razor. Could we get him some water?

MATHESON ATTORNEY: Now, Mr. Razor, if that is your REAL name, how would you rate your performance as a drug sniffing dog?

RAZOR: *scratches his neck, then proceeds to lick himself in a private manner*

COURTROOM ATTENDEES: GASP!

CHIEF JUSTICE PARIENTE: *slamming gavel forcefully* Mr. Razor, need I remind you that this is a court of law?! We do not allow this kind of behavior within these hallowed walls! We demand that you stop licking yourself immediately!

RAZOR: *throaty growl, followed by a sneeze*

MATHESON ATTORNEY: You see, ladies and gentlemen, that's the kind of rebellious and careless response police have come to expect from Razor. He's a rebel. A maverick. And he's been an inconsistent drug sniffing dog to boot. My client, though arguably a drug addict of the highest order, had no business being singled out by a rogue canine like Razor here.

RAZOR ATTORNEY: Objection! Razor's not on trial here! He's a good boy! Aren't you, Razor?

RAZOR: Woof!

RAZOR ATTORNEY: Yes, you are! You're such a goooood boooyyy!

CHIEF JUSTICE PARIENTE: That's quite enough of that! Order in the court! Order!

And it was at about that point when I started thinking about Jennifer Aniston, myself, a waterbed, and a French maid costume all over again.

And, yes, I am the one wearing the French maid costume. Why do you ask?

Now for a random listing of famous females in an attempt to boost my site traffic:

Amanda Overmeyer. Amanda Overmeyer. Amanda Overmeyer. Amanda Overmeyer. Amanda Overmeyer. Jessica Alba. Jessica Biel. Amanda Overmeyer. Lindsay Lohan. Emma WatsonWatsons, all.. Evanna Lynch.. Denise Milani. Amanda Overmeyer. Emma Watson. Mila Kunis.. Mila Kunis. Now, back to listing famous females in an attempt to boost site traffic.. Jessical Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel. Evanna Lynch. Evanna Lynch. Evanna Lynch.

Posted by Ryan at January 13, 2005 01:38 PM