April 25, 2002

I do not understand those

I do not understand those who claim to be morning people, folks who leap from beds ready to attack a fresh new day like a horny canine attacking a shin. My body and mind both despise mornings, and the earlier the morning, the more surly they both become. Everything is just so much more difficult in the morning. It would be different, I suppose, if I slept standing up, but I don't. The first obstacle I'm confronted with upon awakening is the horizontal position I'm in that must be rectified. I shuffle over to the edge of the bed and allow gravity to pull my legs to the floor. I then heave myself into a sitting position and fidget with my eyes until the last of the eye boogers fall to the floor. I sit there for about three minutes, trying to force the haze of sleep and the dreams of large-breasted women from my mind. Then, slowly, I begin the routine of preparing for work. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want people to ask me how I am. I just want to wake up; on my own. There are people who actually go running in the morning. They're so stupid! Don't they know that the human body is at its least flexible the first thing in the morning? I do all my exercise in the late afternoon, when I have a full body of caffeine and can wrap my foot over my head. Also, any ailments you may be suffering are magnified by a factor of 10 in the morning. If you have a slight cough when you go to bed, you will awaken with enough bodily coughing spasms to bring up both lungs, your liver and your spleen. If you have sore muscles when you go to bed, you awaken thinking your four limbs were attacked by an axe wielding maniac sometime during the night. A sore throat becomes a constricting mass so painful, it feels as if you're trying to breathe through a barbed straw. It takes roughly three hours for the body to find a good equilibrium following a morning wake-up, but enough about that.
Nothing funny in the news today, unless you consider a building explosion in New York funny. I do not.

Posted by Ryan at April 25, 2002 03:44 PM
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