May 02, 2002

Random Thoughts Before I do

Random Thoughts
Before I do anything else, I must direct your attention to the Lavakan, guaranteed to be your best laugh of the week. I wrote my newspaper column about it and I still chortle when I look at the "before and after" picture. So, anyway. . .
A bit of disturbing trivia. According to my site meter, someone visited my site after doing a Google search on "cunnilingus+tonsilitis." Now, I have no idea why this person is performing such a search, but if he or she is reading this, I prescribe pennicillin, and fast! Someone also came to my site after performing a search on "bush+spewing." I genuinely hope these searches were not done by the same person. *shudder*
Let's do a little quick news searching, and I say quick because, technically, I'm at work and should be doing work-related things, but I've been doing that all day and I think it's only fair that I take a break.
I see that a priest has been arrested for child abuse. I have to ask: what the heck is going on in the Catholic Church? I keep envisioning the widely-hyped meeting between the Pope and American cardinals, with all of them exchanging stories about all the cute kids in their respective congregrations. This whole thing is just demented and sick. Why can't they just hire beret-wearing interns to work off all their lecherous cravings? If it's good enough for our President, it should be good enough for the Catholic Church. How depressing. I'd rather check in with News of the Odd.
"Man Makes Film Based on His Messy Divorce" This sounds like something that would appear as an Onion headline. Is this all that is required to make a movie nowadays? In that case, I have a bunch of movies I'd like to make about my day-to-day existence, including a real-time flick about me getting up in the morning. Of course, my preferred title, "Awakenings," is already taken, so I'd call it "Getting Up: The Ryan Rhodes Story." It wouldn't be very uplifting or interesting, but people could watch me shower, so that should keep their attention.

Stupid Thing I Did Last Night: Proof That It's Never Safe to Play With Matches
So, I have this book of matches on my desk that I used to use to light candles, but now I don't have any candles, so the matches aren't used, except for those times when I'm up at 12:30 in the morning bored out of my skull. I pick up the matches, pluck one from the pack and strike it to firey life. I was watching the match burn, when suddenly MSN alerted me that I had new mail. The distraction led to me forgetting that I had a burning match making it's way to my tender fingers. Suddenly, my finger started to burn, so I reacted and dropped the match. I immediately started looking for the match, but I couldn't find it. Suddenly, I became aware that my stomach was experiencing seering hot pain. I should note here that I was only wearing sweatpants at the time. Yep, the stupid match had practically fallen dead center into my navel and ignited the hair on my stomach. Although the whole incident only took about three seconds, hair is one of the most flammable substances next to gasoline. I frantically patted myself out and assessed the damage. So, my once hairy stomach now has a crater of scorched and wispy hair in a one inch radius surrounding my belly button.
Come to think of it, I should make a move about that. "Burning Navel" Sounds like a new alcoholic drink.

Posted by Ryan at May 2, 2002 03:18 PM
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