Rambling Rhodes

"Putting Your Pet Through the

"Putting Your Pet Through the Wringer" c. Ryan Rhodes, May 1, 2002
Every once in awhile, I'll come across a news item that definitively indicates we human beings may be becoming a bit too reliant on technology. I came across just such a news item last week regarding a product called the Lavakana side loading pet washing machine.
Now, a side loading pet washer is not, in fact, a revolutionary new weapon capable of firing cats and dogs at the enemy at a rate of 6,000 rounds per minute, although that would be just too cool for words.
No, the Lavakan is a 5 ft. x 5 ft. appliance specifically designed to lather, de-tick, de-louse, and blow-dry your pet in just under half an hour. And, for you pet owners out there who are wary of leaving your cat or dog unattended during the spin cycle, not to worry; the Lavakan comes equipped with a porthole which you can use to peruse your pet's purifying process.
I know, it sounds too incredible for words, so I went searching for more information. What I found was pure comedy gold. You folks with Internet access can read along here.
Invented by Eduardo Segura and Andrs Diaz of Spain, the Lavakan (which roughly translates to "dog washer") looks a lot like a typical washing machine, except you throw your family pet inside rather than dirty clothes.
Once inside, the animal in question is subjected to a series of water pressure nozzles designed to spritz every inch of your pet's exterior (and possibly some interior spritzing, depending on the angle of the nozzle). And, to quote directly from the article, "operators use the Lavakan's touch panel to choose the best wash cycle for the animal's size and dermatological needs." Is it just me, or is there something odd about knowing what kind of wash cycle is best for your pet.
"Let's see, I bought Rover about two months ago. What were his washing directions again? Better check the tag. ‘100% dog hair. machine wash warm. Tumble dry.' All right, Rover, in you go. Be a good boy!"
So, how do dogs and cats respond to being cleansed within a 5 ft. x 5 ft. box? Let's ask the inventors. According to the article, most dogs are pretty calm while enduring their prescribed wash cycle, except, of course, for a certain degree of lost canine dignity. Cats, on the other hand, don't take kindly to the contraption at all, at least not initially.
"The first four to five seconds, they freak out," Diaz said, according to the article. "But once they're wet, they instinctively sit and lay down. It's much better than having a cat attach itself to your face, which is what can happen when you try to wash one by hand."
What can I say? Sometimes even I can't improve on the humor of an original statement.
Perhaps the most amusing aspect of the Web site article are the pictures provided of the Lavakan in action.
The first picture, of course, is of the Lavakan machine by itself, an intimidating machine that must strike absolute fear into the heart of any pet that has experienced its thorough cleansing.
The second picture, and perhaps the most hilarious, is a before and after comparison of an unidentified canine. In the before picture, the dog is impossibly filthy, as if it had been shaken vigorously in an Etch-a-Sketch. But, after a ride through the Lavakan, the dog is snowball white, with a somewhat nervous expression that seems to say, "you would never believe what I just went through for the last half an hour!"
There are two other equally hysterical pictures, but I'll let you experience those for yourself.
The final picture is of a Lavakan executive locked in one of his own machines, smiling bravely for the camera as he is showered in his own personal wash cycle. His right thumb is extended in the universal symbol for "I truly enjoy being bathed in this claustrophobic contraption where, just moments before, a German Shepherd forcefully vomited due to nervous stress."
For those of you who are thinking of buying your own personal Lavakan, you may want to consider the cost. You can own one for the paltry sum of $20,000, or you can lease a machine for $500.
Or, you can wash your pet by hand and have it attach itself to your face.
It's entirely up to you.