October 08, 2002

Pulling Up the Roomie's Carpet

Pulling Up the Roomie's Carpet

Despite the sexual innuendo inherent in the heading, let me assure you I did not spend last night plucking my roommate's pubic hair. Although, if she were to ask for my assistance in such a task, I would certainly lend a hand, literally. Amy, if you're reading this, I sincerely apologize for the preceeding two sentences.

Nay, last night's festivities, after I went for my five mile run and ingested hearty cuisine from Taco Bell, involved disassembling my room, moving out furniture, and ripping up carpet in preparation for the arrival of new carpet today. That's right, we're getting a whole new basement full of brand new carpet today! I'm so excited, I can barely sit perfectly still and type magazine articles for eight straight hours. Actually, I have trouble doing that every day, but this time I have an excuse.

The basement has been without carpet since Amy had an expensive beaver drainage system installed late in July. For the record, I can't believe this entry has mentioned pubic hair, carpet, Taco Bell and beaver system, yet has nothing to do with sex. My room alone remained carpeted while Amy sought out a good carpet deal.

So, last night, I set about cleaning out my room, a minor nuisance of a task that really didn't take too long, owing primarily to my overall lack of worldly goods. It's a sad testimony to existence when your most valuable posessions are, in order, your car, your computer, your clothes, your bed, and finally, your two pieces of pre-fabricated furniture. I should really get out there and start buying stuff.

Once my room was cleared out, Amy and I set about pulling up the carpet. Now, I knew that the room's previous occupant had owned a dog, but I wasn't prepared for the harsh reminder that wafted to my nostrils when the first corner was pulled up. The stench of long-dormant dog pee singed our faces like flames leaping up from a gasoline fire. The more we rolled the carpet, the more potent the odor became. We also became aware of moldy patches growing on the matting directly below the carpet, sure indicators of a busy canine bladder.

It was then that a chilling realization came over me. This was the same carpet I sat on and ate countless meals while watching television! This was the same carpet on which I did push-ups and sit-ups! This was the same carpet I laid half naked on while getting a massage! The health hazards alone were staggering.

Amy and I carried the pee-laden carpet roll up the stairs and deposited it in the garage, and I hurriedly jaunted to the bathroom to take a much-needed shower.

So, yeah, we're getting new carpet installed today.

Thank God.

Posted by Ryan at October 8, 2002 09:47 AM
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