October 06, 2002

Me In Action and Weekend

Me In Action and Weekend Randomness

There's nothing I like better than seeing pictures of me kicking ass. Actually, there are a lot of things I like better than that, but as I sit here in front of my computer without either a naked female in my bed or a $400 bottle of cognac, I guess pictures of me kicking ass will have to do.

"What the hell is he talking about?" you ask.

"Shut up and let me finish," I respond.

My martial arts studio has updated its Web site to include pictures of little old me demonstrating some techniques. For those of you with an insatiable yen to ogle yet more pictures of my smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness body, you can click here. Then click the Hapkido link and scroll down to the pictures of the guy with the shaved head being mean. That would be me. Great googily moogily I'm good looking. I'm also very modest. There are also some video clips of me kicking ass and getting my ass kicked, but I can't for the life of me figure out how to view the damned things. But enough of this shameless self-promotion.

My girlfriend is an absolute junkie when it comes to the TLC program "Trading Spaces." For those not familiar with the program, let me offer up the two second synopsis: Caffeinated neighbors agree to swap a room in their houses so equally caffeinated interior decorators can come in and put their effeminate touch to the selected room. The neighbors follow the designers orders and they have two days to make the room fit the designer's vision. The rooms are then unveiled, and the neighbors either jump up and down in enthusiastic approval or they sit in a corner and cry. Melissa and I tend to favor the crying reaction, because we're both sadistic like that. Anyway, the show features two carpenters who are ordered around by the designers to produce exquisite furniture in little or not time. One carpenter is a guy named Ty and the other is a girl named Amy. I practically have to unfurl a towel under Melissa whenever Ty is featured just to catch her drool. I'm partial to Amy, because she has titanic breasts and looks damned hot in a tool belt. Well, as I read the Post-Bulletin (Rochester's answer to lazy journalism), I learned that Ty would be speaking at the 2002 Women's Fall Expo at the Mayo Civic Center, right here in Rochester, on Saturday, Oct. 5. I informed Mel of this and suggested we go see Sir Ty. I had never before been to a Women's Expo, owing primarily to my distinction as a male. I guess I enjoyed myself, but I was stunned by just how much of a following Ty has. The expo floor was crammed with women, young and old, who were practically sweating beneath their silks just to get a glimpse of him. I don't think it's too much to ask that I get the same reaction wherever I go, but alas, the female species has yet to acknowledge just how hot I am. The poor lasses. Mel seemed to enjoy herself, and that was the main thing. I also had the opportunity to see the most God-awful hairdo ever to defile a female head. I didn't know who she was, but the poor confused creature actually thought she looked good, when in fact her hair looked like a gigantic, ratty red ostrich nest. Do ostriches make nests? It doesn't matter. If they do, they likely resembe that woman's hair.

Today (Sunday), I played in a 27 hole golf tournament. Now, remember, this is Oct. 6 in Minnesota, a time when, although not necessarily cold, it is definitely not thong weather. Today's Minnesota weather menu featured temperatures soaring to 42 degrees, with complementary winds comparable to an F5 tornado or Oprah Winfrey and Roseanne breaking wind simultaneously. *shudder* What a horrible analogy. Suffice it to say, it was gusty and cold enough to make my final golf tournament of the year a miserable ordeal. And an ordeal it was. My golfing partner, Jim, was foolhardy enough to say, "Well, at least it's not raining." As if on cue, a light drizzle began to fall. Golf balls did not behave as golf balls should today. After seven hours of enduring this maddening cryogenics experiment, I wanted nothing more than to see the Minnesota Twins beat the Oakland Athletics from the warmth of my own home. The Twins won 5 to 4 after a cliffhanger ninth inning. Awesome.

Posted by Ryan at October 6, 2002 09:30 PM
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