January 02, 2003

And the Winner For All

And the Winner For All Time Best Web Searches That Ended Here Is. . . The Envelop Please. . .

There have been some doozy Web searches conducted by wayward surfers who ended up on this obscure blog. I don't judge. Sure, I make fun of some of them, but I don't judge. If three-quarters of all my visitors happened to come here searching for "Exposed+Thongs," who am I to sit on high an question their fetish?

But today I laughed, and I mean laughed so hard I think my left testicle broke open. Normally, a broken left testicle would cause a man great pain, but I couldn't even wince slightly through the laughter.

Some kindred soul, utilizing a Netscape.com search engine (a.k.a. Google), landed at my site after doing a search on "masturbating+lessons+needed+pictures+please."

Now, I'm a man with a creative imagination, so I'm left envisioning a 12-year old boy, new to the sensations overtaking his tiny body. Now, he's heard about masturbation, but he's unsure how to go about but, bookworm that he is, practically raised on the Internet, he consults the Web to learn best how to pleasure himself. What's more, he needed pictures to help him through the process, step-by-step illustrations preferably.

And, to top it all off, he's such a polite individual, he included "please" with his search. Such a good boy.

Well, I feel bad that my site probably didn't help guide this poor person learn how to masturbate correctly, and I want to make sure all other such searches are guided to masturbatory release. So. . .

Take your hand, either right or left, and wrap it snugly, but not too tight, around your penis shaft. Now, repeatedly, but not too vigorously (unless you like it like that), move your wrapped hand up and down the shaft. You should feel a pleasant sensation. Don't be alarmed, since this is normal and should increase in intensity. Combine the movement with either photographic stimulation (this professional suggests Chic or Hustler or Penthouse) or simply close your eyes and imagine someone naked (female or male, according to preference), trying, of course, to steer away from family members (you sicko). Eventually, you should feel a certain explosive immediacy, as if you suddenly have to pee really, really bad, but it feels so good you don't want it to end. Ever. This is called an impending orgasm, otherwise known as "the point of no return." Now, depending on your level of puberty development, you may experience a discharge of a fluid. Again, don't be alarmed. This is normal. Simply be sure to have a Kleenex or a dust rag handy for catching and clean-up afterwards. Socks also work well, depending on how often you do laundry.

So, there you have it. Male masturbation made easy. Keep in mind, my own expertise in this matter in no way indicates an unhealthy propensity toward self-pleasure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must shower. No, really, I mean it. I'm going to go shower. Fine. Don't believe me, but I'm really going to go shower. jerks.

Posted by Ryan at January 2, 2003 09:03 PM
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