January 01, 2003

This was supposed to appear

This was supposed to appear two nights ago, but the Mac I was working on wasn't apparently Blogger friendly, so the post had to wait. I'm home now. And tired. Need a nap.

They're All Going to Honk At You!

Last day in paradise, and I'm back in an Internet cafe because I'm a loser. However, I'm also engaged in conversation with a really hot blonde wearing a pink bikini top, who once worked at Hooters, so geekdom isn't really all that bad.

We ate at a Vietnamese restaurant tonight, which was excellent, and made the ridiculously expensive Italian place we ate at last night seem like Pizza Hut with a nice view. And it was a hell of a lot cheaper. A note to those of you contemplating a Hawaii vacation: remember that "expensive" does not in any way equal "quality cuisine."

Just a sidenote: the hot blonde, right this minute, is adjusting her bikini strap, and I think I'm sprouting a boner. For those of you who read me regularly, you know this is a fairly common occurence. I'm all about the ill-timed, perpetual boner sprouting.

So, anyway, I decide to have my parents drop me off at a shopping complex pretty close to our condo. My dad stops in the middle of traffic, and I fumble with the door because I can't see the lock.

"Hurry up!" yelps my father. "Or they're going to honk at me!"

I stopped my door fumbling and looked at my father's reflection in the rearview mirror quizzically.

"Oh, Heaven forbid they honk at you!" I laughed. "There's no bigger shame than being honked at. That's worse than being caned in the buttocks in Singapore."

The car behind us finally began a vigorous tootling of the horn, and I exited the vehicle. But I wasn't finished. Even as my parents drove away, I pretended to drop a coin in front of the car behind me, and I executed a thorough search of the street, totally infuriating the driver, who leaned out the window and started calling me every expletive imaginable. I cast him an innocent look and gestured to my chest in the international sign language of "Who? Me?"

"Yes, you! You fucking cocksucking cocksucker!" he said, showing an adept ability at doubling up on a cocksucker insult.

At that point, I started a slow stroll across the road, prompting the angry motorist to lay on his horn with renewed vigor. Then, just as I exited his lane, an entire family of people crossed his path, and the father winked at me and said, "Watch this."

With that, the wonderful soul pretended to drop a coin, and he, his wife, and three kids started an intense search of the area for a non-existing coin, initiating a prolonged horn blowing the likes of which has probably never been heard in the Hawaiian islands. When the family finally exited the street, the motorist let loose with the most ridiculous tire burn I've ever seen. The father and I exchanged a thumbs up, and I'm still laughing at this moment, despite a lingering boner.

Well, the hot blonde is leaving, so there's no reason for me to tap away at this Macintosh. Yes, a Macintosh. The simplicity, ease-of-use, common-sense menu, and impossibly cute design is aggravating to the extreme, let me tell you. Sure, it's perfect in most ways, but can it play Aliens Versus Predator 2? No. Steve Jobs, that's your next task. Make your computers universally friendly to games, not just dorks who want to edit photos and digital movies. Then you'll have a consumer base.

That's my input for today folks, and remember: no matter how nice of a person you are, no matter how great you are and how wonderful you may be, they're all going to honk at you, so you may as well have fun with them.

Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker.

Posted by Ryan at January 1, 2003 10:42 AM
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