March 13, 2003

U.N. Considers Resolution To Unite

U.N. Considers Resolution To Unite Elizabeth Smart With Parents
France, Germany, China, All Threaten Veto

NEW YORK (Rhodes Media Services) -- The United Nations found itself deadlocked yet again today, with member nations unable to see eye to eye regarding a proposed resolution to reunite kidnap victim Elizabeth Smart with her parents.

Although such a case was believed to be well outside of U.N. jurisdiction, the world body felt compelled to introduce the resolution after finding that it didn't make the front page of every major U.S. media outlet.

The resolution, submitted by the Belgian minister to the U.N., reads in part: "Forthwith and notwithstanding, as per the understanding of the world community, and with full support of the world theater, this body resolves to reunite Elizabeth Smart with her mother and father. The reunification process will be monitored by an as-yet-to-be named team of reunification experts which will be headed by the country of Uzbekistan."

Opposition to the resolution was swift, with France, Germany and China all threatening to veto the measure.

"We can't have the United States working unilaterally on this issue," said French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin. "If it were up to the U.S., they'd just unite the family without a second thought. We firmly believe that family unification should always be a last resort, and that Sandra Bullock has really pretty hair!"

The U.S. ambassador to the U.N., Bill Richardson, was troubled and confused by the actions of the U.N.

"What the hell did Villepin just say?" asked Richardson. "Who are these people? What the hell is going on in this crazy shithouse? I need a drink."

Posted by Ryan at March 13, 2003 01:50 PM
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