April 04, 2003

No Sir, I'm Not Buying

No Sir, I'm Not Buying It

According to this article, found via The Command Post, the man televised walking among the throngs of adoring Iraqis today really, truly, honestly was Saddam Hussein. Nope. I'm not buying it. That man is dead as an Iraqi doornail. He is a char-broiled dictator, consisting of a gelatinous puddle of moustache and beret. But, let's explore the other side:

Iraqi President Saddam Hussein called the bluff of the Americans, who were of the view that he had died in a missile attack on the first day of the bombing on Baghdad, by walking on the streets of the capital on Friday evening.

I saw the footage, and I have to say that, underneath that big smile, on a face that looked suspiciously younger than the bespeckled lump of potatoes who appeared the day after he probably died, that man looked slightly spooked, as if he was a man who was really upset that genetics played such a cruel joke on him by making him look like a young Saddam Hussein. If it weren't for the armed men surrounding him, I'm pretty sure he would grab a razor and shave his moustache, his hair, and his pubes, anything so he wouldn't be marched out in public as a Saddam look-a-like.

Saddam LOOK-A-LIKE: *Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Keep smiling man, keep smiling. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.*

ADORING IRAQI: We love you Saddam!! *Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Keep smiling man, keep smiling. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.*

Television channels across the world broadcast video clips of the Iraqi leader walking amongst his delirious people. Western analysts appeared taken aback by Hussein's appearance in public, mingling with his people, talking to them, and at one point of time even holding aloft a child.

In short, that terrified bugger went down the list, not missing a beat, to assure the world that Saddam is alive, which he isn't. Ah, yes, holding aloft a child, a sure indicator that their leader is alive and well and virile.

IRAQI CHILD: *Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Don't cry, don't cry. Gotta keep from crying. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.*

Some doubted it was Hussein, saying it might have been one of his look-alikes.

Yeah, that would be me. In Iraq, if you're male, and you allow yourself to grow a moustache, there's a 30 percent chance you're going to look like Saddam Hussein.

Lt General (retd) Kirpal Singh Randhawa, who had imparted training to Iraqi troops in the seventies, was convinced that the man shown on television networks was none other than the Iraqi president.

Um, yeah, because, you know, Saddam hasn't aged a day since the 70s. He's an Iraqi version of Dick Clark. Just a couple of weeks ago, the sorry sap they pushed in front of the camera looked like he had been dragged out of a nursing home. Now he looks about middle age as he struts amongst his people. He's dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead. Finished. Finito. Done. Gone. A cooked goose. He has ceased to be.

"I recognise three of his bodyguards and they were right there with their leader. This courageous and bold move could electrify the Arab world, particularly the people of Baghdad," Randhawa told rediff.com on phone late on Friday night.

IRAQI BODYGUARD: *Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I'm so glad I have a gun in my hand right now. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.*

Saddam's personal appearance in public could motivate Iraqis to even sacrifice their lives for defence of their motherland, he said. Asked why the Iraqis let the Americans easily capture Baghdad airport, Randhawa said it could have been a strategic move on their part.

Yeah, strategic, totally strategic. Like the innovative strategy of surrendering in droves and giving up huge expanses of land. Strategic like THAT. Sheesh.

"Saddam Hussein wants the Americans to fight the battle on the streets of Baghdad. He would not want to waste his tanks and armoured personnel carriers in open warfare. He would like to personally direct the battle of Baghdad," he said.

And of course, the first act of any commander about to defend a city is to practically hand the enemy a nice, big, fat international airport to serve as a command center. Apparently, Saddam is so certain of victory, he's willing to spot the coalition forces a few points, you know, just to make it interesting.

General Randhawa said that the battle for Baghdad could be one of the bloodiest in the history of modern warfare.

"I would say that the Americans and the British would lose at least a couple of thousand troops even if they skirt street-to-street battle and depend heavily on aerial bombing."

"But if they go in for street battles, the toll could be much higher," he said.

Or we could just sit tight and wait for the buses of fleeing Iraqis to continue unabated until there's no one left but a few Special Republican Guard units. Then we'll just starve them out. "The bloodiest in the history of modern warfare." Apparently the good general hasn't been keeping up on the history of modern warfare. Either that or he skipped the chapter about the siege of Stalingrad. Whatever the case, we're getting off topic here. Saddam is dead. D-E-A-D.

Of course, I could be wrong. But, nah, he's dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead. The man is dead.

Posted by Ryan at April 4, 2003 04:09 PM
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