April 07, 2003

Jumping On The Monty Python

Jumping On The Monty Python Bandwagon

There have been some great parallels drawn between the classic scenes in Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail and the current War in Iraq. Although I run the risk of this probably already having been done, I like to think this particular bit of parody to be an original Ryan Rhodes concept. If not, my apologies to whoever beat me to it:


Bravely bold Sir Saddam
Brought forth from Baghdad.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh, brave Sir Saddam!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave Sir Saddam.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken!
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Saddam.

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged,
And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off,
And his penis--

Saddam (interrupting): That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now, lads. It looks like there's Democratic work afoot.

UNITED NATIONS: Halt! Who art thou?

MINSTREL: He is brave Sir Saddam, brave Sir Saddam, who ...

Saddam (to MINSTRELS): Shut up. Oh, nobody really. just passing through.

UNITED NATIONS: What do you want?

MINSTREL: To fight and ...

Saddam: Shut up. Nothing really. just to pass through, good United Nations.

UNITED NATIONS: I'm afraid not. This is my bit of the free world. Find your own bit.

Saddam: I am the leader of Iraq. I seek weapons of mass destructions. Stand aside and let me pass.

UNITED NATIONS: You are the leader of Iraq?

Saddam: I am.

*From now on the UNITED NATIONS speak individually*


UNITED STATES: In that case I shall have to kill you.


GERMANY: Oh, I don't think so.

FRANCE: I'm not sure.

UNITED STATES (to BRITAIN): What do I think?

BRITAIN: I think kill him.

FRANCE: I'm still not sure.

UNITED STATES: All right. How many of me think I should kill him?



GERMANY: That's not a quorum.

UNITED STATES: It is if I'm the Chairman.

GERMANY: Oo, it's not.

FRANCE: I'm the Chairman this week.

UNITED STATES: You're not.

BRITAIN: Look, it'll make it much simpler if I vote with me.

UNITED STATES: To kill him.


FRANCE: (tuts) Oh, damn.

UNITED STATES: (to SIR Saddam): Knight, I have decided to kill you.

FRANCE: With one absenting.

UNITED STATES: Knight, I have decided to kill you with one absenting.

BRITAIN (to SIR Saddam): Sorry about this but I have to be fair.

Saddam: Oh, that's all right. So you are going to kill me with your big missiles?

UNITED STATES: Er no, with my entire military might.

FRANCE: Resolutions.

BRITAIN: Missiles are quicker.

UNITED STATES: No, no, entire military might, it's easier.

GERMANY: He said missiles.

Saddam: Look, hurry up you bureaucratic monolith, or I shall develop nuclear weapons and use them on you..

UNITED STATES: (to SIR Saddam, referring to FRANCE): For God's sake, nuke that one, and do us all a favour.

FRANCE: What do you mean?

UNITED STATES: Yapping on all the time.

FRANCE: You're lucky, you're not next to him.

BRITAIN: What do you mean?

FRANCE: You snore.

BRITAIN: Oo, lies. Anyway, you've got bad breath.

FRANCE: (aspirating heavily): I haven't.

*Both BRITAIN and FRANCE turn away slightly, making faces*

FRANCE: It's not my fault. It's what you eat.

UNITED STATES: Look, stop this bitching. We've got a Saddam to kill.

BRITAIN: He's buggered off.

UNITED STATES: So he has. He's scarpered.

BRITAIN: That's all your fault.

FRANCE: No, it's not.

BRITAIN (swipes at FRANCE): Take that.


BRITAIN: I'm sorry.

UNITED STATES: 'Ere, stop it. I'll teach you.

*The UNITED NATIONS starts laying into itself with resolutions and rhetoric, while the NATIONS argue and shout with pain.*

MINSTREL: Brave Sir Saddam ran away.

Saddam: No!

MINSTREL: Bravely ran away away....

Saddam: I didn't!

MINSTREL: When Danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.

Saddam: No!!

MINSTREL: Yes brave Sir Saddam turned about

Saddam: I didn't!

MINSTREL: And gallantly chickened out..

Saddam: I never did!

MINSTREL: Bravely bravely bravely bravely

Saddam: All lies!

MINSTREL: Bravely bravely brave Sir Saddam

Saddam: All lies!

UPDATE: Where is Robert Fisk when this shit is happening?

Posted by Ryan at April 7, 2003 03:35 PM
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