April 08, 2003

My Own Misinformation Minister As

My Own Misinformation Minister

As if I wasn't already a news-aholic, this war with Iraq has turned me into a news junkie of the highest order. By the end of the war, I'll be a stick-thin, pasty skinned Gollum living in an abandoned house, desperately trying to dial a broken down computer into the Internet just so I can get "one. . .last. . .news. . .fix."

What I find fascinating about the war coverage is the different flavors of bias I read from the competing news agencies, from Fox News (motto: We're So Right Wing, We Fly In Circles), to Reuters (motto: The U.S. Does Everything Wrong, And We Report It), to Al-Jazeera (motto: We Don't Have a Motto, Because That's An Infidel Term). But, I digest it all, and I can usually piece together a comfortable middle ground analysis. Such is the state of the mass media today that you have to become your own news editor.

Of all the war spin being dished out, however, it's tough to beat the statements that spew forth from the Iraqi Minister of Information, who is being referred to more and more as "Baghdad Bob." Actually, his real name is Mohammed Sahid Al Saha, which, loosely translated, means "A Big, Steaming Pile of Saha."

Now, to put it mildly, Baghdad Bob's take on the war is. . .fanciful. The guy could be shoved down the barrel of a coalition cannon and he would say, without hesitation, that he had single-handedly taken over an entire U.S. armored division. I have to hand it to the guy for his "glass is half full" outlook on life.

As an example, when coalition forces took control of Saddam International Airport (now Baghdad International Airport), and strongly fortified their hold on the facility, Baghdad Bob issued a statement that roughly resembled the following:

"The American pig dog losers have not taken the airport named after our beloved Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, may we all love him and hold him in our hearts. Republican Guard forces have smashed the Americans! Americans trying to enter Baghdad are being torn apart like a toothbrush in the mouth of a rabid pit bull!"

Now, although I have yet to regard Baghdad Bob's statements with anything besides huge bouts of laughter, I have to admit that his fanatical denial of reality would really be useful in every day existence. I, for one, wouldn't mind having a personal misinformation minister following me around all day, putting a positive spin on my life.

REALITY: I live in a basement apartment that consists of furnishings that could all be dismantled with a screwdriver in about 10 minutes.

MISINFORMATION MINISTER: Ryan Rhodes lives in a palatial estate! His 32 room home is decorated with the finest Persian rugs and medieval tapestries! His plush furnishings rival those owned by the sultans of yore! His heated Olympic sized hot tub (yes, there are Olympic hot tubs!) is tended by scantily clad members of the U.S. women's soccer team!

REALITY: I shave my head, because a cruel genetic joke dictated that I should start losing my hair at the age of 21, and I feel that I'm simply beating genetics at its own game by running a razor over my cranium daily. To counterbalance this effect, I have so much body hair it looks like a litter of kittens is sleeping on my chest.

MISINFORMATION MINISTER: Ryan Rhodes is a smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness! Women swoon at his godlike feet! His great, wonderful, intelligent and perfect-shaped head gleams forth with a shining radiance not seen since the sun first came into being! Such a cranium should not be covered by hair! Nay, it should be exposed and adored by all! Ryan's broad, strapping, muscular chest is insulated by many natural interwoven silken strands that warm his mighty heart!

REALITY: I shot myself in the foot with a B.B. gun in 9th grade. I almost killed myself when I blew up a grenade in my back yard when I was 21. I have probably unknowingly almost killed myself more times than I can possibly imagine.

MISINFORMATION MINISTER: Ryan Rhodes laughs in the face of death! The Grim Reaper cowers before him, knowing that the great and wonderful Ryan will only die at a time and a place of his choosing! Mountains will crumble and nations will fall before Ryan Rhodes succumbs to the passage of time!

Posted by Ryan at April 8, 2003 11:42 AM
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