October 20, 2010

It's Funny Because It's True, and It's a Cat

Posted by Ryan at 03:32 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 14, 2010

Taking on Politics

Well, here it is, October 2010, which means, in addition to dried and crusty leaves, there are also political campaign signs littering countless lawns.

That's right, it's election season! And, because I'm a certified journalist who went to school for journalism, I know everything there is to know about politics and the election season. Okay, that's only partly true; I did go to school for journalism, but I don't know or care about anything related to politics or the election season. However, because I like to call myself a journalist, I'm required by law to at least PRETEND like I know and care about politics and the election season. So, let's begin!

On the local political scene--which I feel I know a lot about because I drive around quite a bit and read campaign yard signs--there's an unlikely phenomenon taking place that often juxtaposes two similar candidate names right next to each other. Therefore, it's very common to see a campaign sign for "Emmer" shortly followed by a campaign sign for "Demmer." Occasionally, you'll see a "Demmer" followed by an "Emmer," but usually "Emmer" comes first. What's astounding to me is that both campaigns decided on almost exactly the same sign design, font and font size. As politics goes, I find this hilarious. It's kind of like Alice, whilst in Wonderland, being asked to vote for both Tweedle Dee AND Tweedle Dum.

But, enough about local politics, which I feel like I've now addressed in exhaustive detail. What people care about during this election are the national campaigns, the campaigns for the juicy seats in the U.S. House and Senate. I have no idea why the seats are juicy; you'll have to ask your Congress person about that.

National politics have become an obsession for a lot of people, owing primarily to a Media fixation on politics that is only surpassed by a teenage boy's fixation on dirty magazines (I could be projecting here, but the analogy holds).

If I've been reading the news correctly--and I assume I have been, because I'm a journalist--the Republican party is poised to make huge gains in both the House and Senate this year, expelling Democrats as if the Republicans are wielding a giant can of electoral RAID.

This is, of course, HUGE news, because it means the Democrats, which is the party of hugely wasteful spending of taxpayer dollars on ineffectual DOMESTIC policy initiatives, is going to be usurped by the Republicans, which is the party of hugely wasteful spending of taxpayer dollars on ineffectual FOREIGN policy initiatives. So, we're talking about a massive shift in how taxpayer money will be wasted over the next two years.

Driving this engine of voter exuberance in favor of a Republican surge is the Tea Party movement, a grassroots, wildly popular explosion of disenchanted citizens advocating a reduction of government sprawl and a return to common sense ideals. Or something like that. I honestly pulled most of that off the first few Google results for "tea party movement." By the way, what does "grassroots" even mean? Why would you market anything as being "grassroots?" Unless you're somehow in the business of selling grass; then I could see "grassroots" being a solid selling point.

The TEA in Tea Party stands for "Taxed Enough Already," which is punchy enough, I guess, but it strikes me as somehow, I don't know, unconvincing, and definitely not in the least bit funny. If I were to try and organize a national political movement--which I totally could, believe me--I'd want to label it with an acronym everyone would want to rally around immediately.

To that end I, Ryan Rhodes, am hereby forming the Society Against an Unjust System Advancing Government Excess. This SAUSAGE Party is guaranteed to catch on nationally, and it will be open to everyone, although I suspect there will probably be more men than women. The message of the SAUSAGE Party is similar in scope to that of the Tea Party, but it's not vulnerable to the same "tea bagger" taunts and similar such juvenile verbal and literary attacks.

So, I decree: Forward, my fellow SAUSAGE Partiers! Together, we can take all those juicy House and Senate seats and put the meat back in Congress! Oh, and Emmer and Demmer, you're welcome to join us.

Posted by Ryan at 11:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 08, 2010

Early Morning Handbasket to Hell

Ryan: Gluten tag.

Caroline: mmmmmmm Gluten tag

Ryan: A health drink we'll never invent.

Ryan: "Start your morning off Reich, with Gluten Tag."

Caroline: Only nein calories.

Ryan: Gluten Tag: The Final Solution to your complete breakfast.

Posted by Ryan at 07:45 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 01, 2010

I can't get no satisfaction

When you're married, with a little boy running around, you really have to learn to pick your battles. When you're simply married, sans children, you can quibble and argue about all the meaningless crap you want. Once you have a little one toddling around, however, you realize that all that quibbling and arguing is a completely useless expenditure of energy.

Still, sometimes it's just the principle of the thing. Today, for example, my wife and I were sitting on the couch, while the boy cooed and babbled on the floor, playing with his endless supply of toys. I happened to notice a roll of StarBurst fruit chew candy on the coffee table, and I set about finding a cherry one, because they're hands down the best tasting StarBurst flavor. I found a cherry StarBurst and unwrapped it. I then set it on the coffee table to save until after I finished drinking my Diet Pepsi, because candy residue in you mouth makes soda fizz and bubble more than usual, and I find that incredibly annoying.

That's when we noticed the smell. I knew it wasn't coming from me, and it's very rarely my wife, so I knew the boy's diaper needed to be changed. And, boy howdy! Did it ever need to be changed! It was easily in the top five running for the nastiest diaper bomb I'd ever encountered. But, I soldiered on, knowing, in the back of my mind, that an unwrapped cherry StarBurst was waiting patiently for my return.

But, upon my return, I discovered my StarBurst had gone missing. I knew, right away, my wife had eaten my StarBurst, and I was furious. I was simply taken aback by the sheer selfishness required to swipe another person's hard-earned, UNWRAPPED, StarBurst. A heated verbal exchange ensued, but it was obvious I had the high ground, so she gave up the fight after a few choice words, leaving me completely unsatisfied with the outcome.

So, I went back to that pack of StarBurst and ate every last remaining square, including the pink ones, which I honestly can't stand.

And that was pretty much the highlight of my day. Well, that and my boy giving me a hug before I put him down in his crib for the night. That was pretty cool, too. I guess.

Posted by Ryan at 07:26 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
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