Rambling Rhodes

The Passion of the Christ

One thing I've grown to appreciate repairing old furniture is Phillips head screws. Slotted screws are just plain dumb, and they strip faster than Miley Cyrus. Jesus was a carpenter. He died on a CROSS. He didn't die for the sins of man, he was passionately marketing Phillips head screws. True story.

Obama: Stop Listening to People I Disagree With

President urges Americans to stop thinking critically

WASHINGTON D.C. (Rhodes Media Services) -- Fresh off his victory of ending the partial government shutdown and basically re-establishing the status quo, President Obama today spoke to reporters and insisted that Americans should really stop thinking critically and should not listen to people who disagree with him.

"All of us need to stop focusing on the lobbyists and the bloggers and the talking heads on radio and the professional activists who profit from conflict," the President actually said, without even a wink of irony to the mainstream media.

Obama went on to stress that people who disagree with him and his policies tend to be "radicals," "extremists," "terrorists," "kidnappers," "jerks" and "poopyheads."

"The First Amendment is an incredibly important and cherished component of the United States Constitution," Obama explained. "However, my understanding as a Constitutional law professor is that it probably doesn't apply to any speech or writing that I tend to disagree with. I think freedom of speech and the press should only be applicable when it's about how awesome and right I am."

Many members of the press were quick to agree with the President's superior logic, common sense and charismatic denunciation of the First Amendment. Paul Krugman, Pulitzer prize-winning columnist for the New York Times said the President's statements were "erudite" and "dreamy," while E.J." Dionne, columnist for the Washington Post said it was "the most important and correct assessment of the First Amendment ever spoken."

While the President stopped short of advocating the arrest and punishment of those who spoke or wrote about anything he doesn't personally agree with or like all that much, he encouraged Americans to look down on anyone who speaks or writes such things and to "make their lives as uncomfortable as possible until they come to their senses."

"Let me be clear: some bloggers, in particular, really annoy me," Obama said. "Especially that Rambling Rhodes guy. Yeah, he may be hilarious, insightful, and even occasionally profound, but he's always making fun of me, and I can't stand that. I'm not sure how anyone could make his life any worse, but I encourage Americans to try."

One Tablet A Day

I'm trying to re-learn how to computer.

That sentence makes no sense, but it accurately reflects my feelings regarding the infernal Samsung tablet computer that has taken up residence in our household.

I realize technology marches on, whether I want it to or not, but the little-uttered secret the technology peddlers aren't telling us is that all the handheld devices, "smart" phones and, yes, tablets, are just stripped down, less powerful versions of the desktop computers I've grown to know, love and depend on.

Seriously, desktop computers were really hitting their stride around 2007--they were packed with hard drive capacity, RAM and every single, necessary application (app) anyone could possibly expect to require or use.

And then someone came along--I'll call him Steve Jobs--and started carving up desktop computers into iPhones and iPads. Jobs is dead now, but his legacy is starkly apparent every time you see someone jab a finger at a screen or say something stupid like "To the Cloud!."

I stubbornly resisted the evolution to tablet computing because I know my way around the PC environment extremely well. Plus, my computer mouse has that comforting and familiar film of hand grime that's been accumulating for several years.

Still, a couple months ago, my wife was enticed by a tablet demonstration at Best Buy, and before I knew what happened we were out a few hundred bucks and we had a Samsung tablet in our house.

And then I was told to set up the tablet to feed off our home's WiFi, and I've been simultaneously hating and loving that tablet ever since.

I hate it because it's NOT QUITE like a PC. It's close, but the Android operating system throws enough Linux curve balls my way that it's like fumbling my way through a dark room searching for a light switch.

I also hate it because the touch screen is. . . well. . . it's TOUCHY. With a keyboard and mouse, it's a pretty safe bet that I won't pull up a stray, unknown application. With a touchscreen, I can't compose an e-mail without accidentally pulling up five games, the weather forecast, and 18 pictures my four-year-old son inadvertently snapped of his feet.

However, I love it because it's also the ultimate toddler silencing device ever constructed. My son and daughter can be yammering at each other like howler monkeys, but as soon as I toss the tablet between them, it's like a cone of calm descends over the house. They do occasionally fight over it, but for the most part it acts like a snootful of chloroform.

We have to be very careful to never, ever, enter credit card information into the tablet, or let the tablet come into contact with a credit card, or to let a credit card flirt with the tablet from across the room, because if we do, our four-year-old son will have us $18,000 in debt within two hours after he downloads 14 million apps. Seriously, he's gotten a hold of Grandma's smartphone and racked up around $20 in downloads, so he's entirely capable of accidentally ruining us.

Even with the credit card limitation, it's astonishing how many "free" apps my son is able to download in a single day. Every evening, I find myself deleting at least two dozen of them. The apps he downloads are almost all games of some sort, and he figures out how to play them all within minutes. It takes me longer to delete them then it takes him to learn them.

Ultimately, I think I hate the tablet mostly because my son is figuring it out faster than I can.

To be fair, Chinese Food is pretty good

Here at Rambling Rhodes, the staff is dedicated to propagating the appreciation for musical prodigies in the vein of Rebecca Black, especially when the associated video borders on obscenely, deliciously, hilariously racist.