How come people talk about their dog getting hit by a car, but no one ever laments when their car gets hit by a dog?
BACKGROUND: When you work in an office environment, particularly one as huge as the one I work at, you tend to develop inside jokes with fellow co-workers, whether those jokes are about certain run-down offices, or people with weird quirks, or just office culture in general. For those of you at all familiar with this ThunderJournal, you know that I and a co-worker, Caroline, often banter back and forth via MSN Messenger. We also have our standard office topics that are funny pretty much only to us. One of these topics is a woman we refer to only as "QuickWalk." We call this woman QuickWalk because, well, she walks quickly. Like, bullet quick. For no particular reason, we decided it would be funny if we pretended QuickWalk's quick walking annoyed us, and it's provided us with plenty of laughs for several months now. Well, yesterday, after purchasing a Diet Pepsi, I happened to see QuickWalk come around the corner, zooming towards me, and when I got back to my office, I IMed Caroline telling her of my QuickWalk encounter. Seconds later, there was a knock on my office door: it was Caroline, looking more amused than at any point since I've known her.
"I was just going to IM you, but then I saw your message on screen," said Caroline. "I was going to tell you that I was just in the bathroom, and QuickWalk was in there. . . AND SHE FARTED!"
So, I had seen QuickWalk JUST PRIOR to her fart, whilst Caroline was there for the actual fartening, and holy hell did we think it was about the funniest thing EVAR! What follows is our IM conversation that transpired through much of the rest of the day, posted here mainly for posterity, but also in the hopes several of the terms we conjured will be picked up and adopted by the English language.
Ryan says: I'm down here just giggling.
Caroline says: Me too!
Caroline says: laughing so hard, I almost wrote "me toot."
Caroline says: aaaaaah!
Ryan says: LOLO!
Caroline says: Now, BEFORE I knew who let the fart, I was thinking about asking you if you have ever been in the bathroom and you hear someone fart and you feel the urge to say "nice one."
Caroline says: That aaaaaaaaalll changed once I saw QuickWalk through the door.
Ryan says: I never have, but I've had people comment to me on MY toots.
Caroline says: OH, that's right.
Caroline says: this is too funny
Ryan says: And it made me laugh, but I tried to stifle my laugh, so I ended up firing several rounds of staccato tooting.
Caroline says: omg, stop
Caroline says: my sides
Ryan says: This is about the best thing to ever happen here.
Caroline says: It is!
Caroline says: Stoccatoot!
Ryan says: I'll bet you do all sorts of stacatooting during a tasering.
Caroline says: Can't. Stop. Laughing.
Ryan says: Give a hoot. . . stoccatoot.
Ryan says: My stomach hurts from all this.
Caroline says: I know!
Caroline says: aaaah!!
Caroline says: The planets aligned to put me on the same pee schedule as QuickWalk.
Ryan says:I wonder if pre-fart QuickWalk and post-fart Quickwalk are different in any way.
Ryan says: Probably lighter.
Caroline says: You would think the gas would propel her.
Ryan says: It will be a crying shame if the word "stoccatoot" doesn't enter the common vernacular.
Caroline says: It would warrant a tasing.
Ryan says: And the fart rooster says. . . stoccatootle-doo!
Caroline says: Fart Rooster!
Ryan says: LOL!
Ryan says: That could be either a rock band, or a beer name.
Caroline says: Or QuickWalk's new and improved nickname.
Ryan says: HAHAHAHAHA!
Caroline says: Fart Rooster ... you know, like Rock Lobster.
Ryan says: OMG, this is just too much!
Ryan says: I'm so going to start calling people who make me mad "fart roosters."
Caroline says: Listen, Fart Rooster, I'm not 100 percent in love with your tone right now.
Ryan says: Knock it off, you fucking fart rooster.
Caroline says: fucking fart rooster!
Caroline says: ow owow ow ow, my sides
Ryan says: Who would have thought "fart" and "rooster" would go so well together.
Ryan says: I'm dying down here!
Caroline says: I KNOW!
Caroline says: Yeah, there's no editing power left in me after that.
Ryan says: Now I have the "Married, with Children," theme song in my head, only it's Fart and Rooster, Fart and Rooster. . .
Caroline says: THAT'S what you can call your boys!
QUICK NOTE: We had a running joke early in the day about testicles, which were referred to as "boys."
Ryan says: LOLO!
Caroline says: What a pair.
Ryan says: Fart really gets the shaft on that one.
Caroline says: oh no
Ryan says: I'm afraid the next time I see that girl, I'm going to fall on the floor laughing.
Caroline says: That was the best part of my week. A fart incident in the bathroom. So. Sad.
Caroline says: She's such a fart rooster.
Ryan says: Best insult in the world up to this point.
Caroline says: Best used with the word "fucking" preceeding it.
Ryan says: I feel strangely cleansed after all this laughing.
Caroline says: As do I.
Ryan says: Staccatoot!
Caroline says: It sounds Native American when you say it out loud.
Ryan says: And the Great Spirit created the staccatoot, a briskly walking animal with a peculiar call.
Caroline says: It sometimes mates with the fart rooster.
Ryan says: There is some cross-breeding, yes.
Caroline says: I'm a gonna laugh if I see her again
Ryan says: Resulting in a sterile Staccatooster.
Caroline says: oh god
Ryan says: I just snorted twice.
Caroline says: That seems about right.
Caroline says: I've been laughing so hard, I can't remember why you said fart rooster.
Caroline says: I just looked.
Ryan says: "And the fart rooster says. . . staccatootle-doo!"
Caroline says: right, lol
Caroline says: my face hurts
Ryan says: But in a good way.
Caroline says: Well, yeah.
I'm going to eat whatever the hell I want to eat. Last night, for example, I had a TGI Fridays bacon cheeseburger, and the day before that I ate four cheese rotini, and the day before that I had leftover Chinese food (Hunan chicken).
fuck it, ya'll. I eat what I like. And I work out. A lot. Like, up to eight hours a week. So, again, I say fuck it.
Ryan says: You know, I have to wonder when Britney Spears will be referred to something OTHER than "the Toxic singer."
Caroline says: Well, I think it depends on the context in which her name is used. Rehab? Toxic singer. Ditching rehab? Ooops I Did it Again singer.
Caroline says: Ooops I Did it Again also works when she forgets to put on undies.
Ryan says: One does not "forget" to put on undies. One makes a concious decision not to put on undies.
Caroline says: Then maybe she forgets to close her legs or pull down her skirt while exiting vehicles.
Ryan says: Oh, please. She knew full well what she was doing. Flash the hoo-ha, get free publicity.
Caroline says: Hmm. I never thought of hoo-ha as hyphenated.
Ryan says: Hoo-ha should not be confused with ree roo.
Caroline says: It's so difficult to keep these Brit vocab words straight!
Ryan says: "Hyphenated Hoo-Ha" would be a great name for a rock band.
Caroline says: But, for irony, it should be "Hypenhated HooHa."
Ryan says: Now that I think about it, it would be a better name for a soft drink.
Caroline says: Pop that HooHa.
Ryan says: I like to start my day off with a piping hot glass of Triple H.
Caroline says: This could go to shakyHville really fast.
Ryan says: I like to start my day by burying my face in some nice, warm HooHa.
Caroline says: aaaaaaaaaaand ... there it is.
I have a cousin. Several, actually, but this one in particular has issued a challenge. I'm not sure whether he was drunk, or high, or being waterboarded, or all three, when he issued this challenge, but I still feel I should respond. So, here are my Ha-Choos:
A Bored Cousin Did Retaliate
Against His Inferior Literary Zombie
Edward Fellates Goats With Zeal
