Rambling Rhodes

Dear Winter

Okay, you can leave now.

Okay, This Is Just Funny

The online world is one of anonymous whackos, unfiltered opinion and just general dipshittery, 90 percent of which is just nothing but garbage (or porn), with the remaining 10 percent actually being useful (or useful porn).

Political discourse, shall we say, isn't probably all that well served by either the far right or the far left of the online universe.

All that said, I still think this is about the funniest thing I've seen all week.

I Ought to Start a Trend

If there's one thing I'm determined to do with my time on this marble orb we call the earth--and Martians call "Zzzkbl 5"--it’s to be able to lay claim to coining a term that will be used far into the future.

I harbor no delusions that I'll eventually be President or find a cure for cancer, so I’m thinking my best chance for ensuring a legacy (short of actually, you know, having children) of some sort is to come up with a term everyone will eagerly glom onto and use for at least the next 100 years.

So, if you'll excuse me for just a bit, I'm going to go tinker with the English language. . .

*tinker, tinker, tinker*

Eureka!

So, here it is. You know how every decade, for whatever reason, is remembered by the years during which it took place? For example, everyone talks about living in "the 60s," or how "the 70s" were the disco era, or how "the 80s" would have been such a waste if it weren't for the endless stream of musical one hit wonders. Even "the 90s" are equated with Monica Lewinsky and the stock market boom/bust. Oh, and I graduated from high school and college in the 90s, making that decade even more momentous and unlikely.

But, what about this decade? Nobody has apparently put much thought into what this decade will be called, and here we are all the way into 2007. Something must be done! And, I'm going to be that "something."

Let it be known, from this point on, the decade spanning 2000 to 2009 shall be referred to as "the Oughts." When people think wistfully or ruefully back on this first ten years of the new millennium, they will say "back in the Oughts," or "the Oughts were a unique time in history," or "don’t even get me started talking about the Oughts."

Oh, sure, people can continue to write the years out as "2002" or "2005" or "2007," but in their heads, and in casual conversation, they'll be calling those years "Ought Two" and "Ought Five" and "Ought Seven." Sure, it will sound like we're all calling out football plays, but I still think it would be an awesome way to recall this ten year stretch. I mean, who wouldn't smile when saying "Ought Four," as if the ghost of Jed Clampett was alive and well and speaking freely?

And just think of the year 2000! Good old "Double Ought!" Or "Ought Squared!"

For example, back in 2000, one of the big topics of interest in and around my hometown was a large sinkhole that collapsed outside of town near the former home of my high school classmate, Dave Coyle. Now, applying the rule of "the Oughts," I can envision one day speaking the following dialogue, in my then-to-be-patented old man voice:

"Back in my day, around the early Oughts I reckon, the earth was just collapsing all around us—Global Collapsing was what they were calling it back then. Anyway, I'm pretty sure it was around the spring of Double Ought—or 'Ought Squared' as those East Coast folk call it—when the earth just up and gave way, making a crater of a sinkhole just outside the front door of the old Coyle place. A cow dang near fell in and busted itself all up when it moseyed a touch too close to the rim of that hole—what came to be known as 'Satan’s Sphincter' around those parts."

So you see, this decade offers up a prime opportunity to bring back good, old fashioned, down home, country speak. All we have to do is commit to calling the first ten years of this unfolding century "the Oughts."

If for no other reason, do it for my legacy.

Don't be so anal

Ryan says: I just read an MSNBC.com headline I thought I'd never see.

Ryan says: "The last lovemaking taboo lifted?
More straight couples experimenting with anal sex"

Caroline says: Yeah, I totally read that this morning.

Ryan says: "Experimenting?"

Caroline says: More like "Exit only, jerk off."

Ryan says: I'm envisioning lab coats, beakers, test tubes and clipboards.

Caroline says: Right. And assless dress pants.

Ryan says: "Hmm, subject seems to be experiencing some sort of discomfort."

Caroline says: "Is that a beaker, or are you just happy to see me?"

Ryan says: "Apparently related to penile insertion into the anus."

Ryan says: "More experimentation may be required."

Caroline says: Anal Sex Lubratory

32

Hey, hey, it's my Birfday.

Not sure what to think. 32 is such an nothing year to celebrate, really. It's like birthday purgatory.

Hey, Look. . . A Moron!

It is time to cut down on crime and restrict guns to soldiers and police officers. There are other ways to settle disputes.

It's always nice to know there are people out there with such complete disregard of the 2nd Amendment, and who are apparently oblivious to the concept of maintaining a weapon or arsenal of weaponry for the possible event of armed resistence to government.

Hideys Disease

New Product

I should probably get a copyright or patent or whatever on this idea before I write about it, but I think a new type of mixed nuts called "Wingnuts," would probably be a major-hot seller.

Seriously

At what point was this man's appearance just taken as "a given?" Oh, sure, we've gone through all the "black now white," and "where's his nose," and "holy hell, what the fuck" stages. Now, we basically just think "huh, there he is again."

When and if aliens do actually land on this rocky orb of ours, I don't think we'll even be able to notice.

It must be said

Blogs, ThunderJournals, and other Web sites that leverage SNAP pop-ups are vying for, quite possibly, my new top Internet annoyance.

The Buck Stops Here

Dear United States Treasury Department:

Please stop trying to get Americans interested in adopting a $1 coin. The last time Americans took a $1 coin seriously was in 1921, the last year the magnificent Morgan Silver Dollar was minted.

Just so you know, the Morgan Silver Dollar was your last best chance to get Americans to eschew the paper dollar, and you blew it. And, no, the Peace Silver Dollars didn't even come close. In fact, I'd argue the Peace Silver Dollar probably played a role in the rise of Nazi Germany and WWII. I'm not sure how, exactly, but there has to be a historical link somewhere. Someone should commission a study.

Anyway, after the Peace Silver Dollar debacle, you apparently got wise for about a quarter century and didn't try for a $1 coin again until 1971, when the Eisenhower coin was all the rage, by which I mean people basically shrugged and continued to use the paper dollar. And, can you blame them? I mean, they hadn't seen a $1 coin in over 25 years, so it was kind of like dropping a black and white Betty Boop into an episode of "The Simpsons." Oh, sure, it was a novelty at first, but eventually people figured, "what's the point?"

Well, around 1978, even you realized the Eisenhower dollar coin was a flop, so what did you go and do come 1979? You went and started minting the most tragically stupid $1 coin ever conceived: the Susan B. Anthony dollar. Only Jimmy Carter could have approved such a coin, as it's no big secret he hated currency and believed all transactions should be conducted using peanuts as the medium of monetary exchange.

Americans rejected the Susan B. Anthony dollar in droves, and not just because Ms. Anthony reminded everyone of the strictest elementary school teacher they ever had. No, in addition to that, the coin was almost exactly the same size as a quarter and, as anyone will tell you, one incident of confusing a dollar with a quarter is one incident way too many. Still, you limped ahead with that colossal coin failure until 1981, at which point it was hoped you'd stop tinkering with the idea of a $1 coin. Alas, it was not to be.

For your next $1 coin, you did what any sensible person does when looking for the next bad idea: you turned to Canada. Canada was having success with their own dollar coin, because they came up with the groundbreaking idea of--in addition to it being substantially bigger than their quarter--making their dollar coin look gold.

So, come 2000, the American people were once again introduced to a $1 coin, this time in the form of the gold-looking Sacajawea dollar. These coins were an instant success, by which I mean they were widely used to fill graduation envelopes because they made otherwise cheap donations of $5 or less seem more generous for some reason.

Other than graduation donations, and as change from stamp machines, however, the Sacajawea coins just never caught on. Americans, once again. stubbornly refused to relinquish their beloved and comforting $1 bills.

Unfortunately, because you're a government entity, you apparently can't understand the concept of a bad idea that has been roundly rejected no less than four times in the last 100 years. The $1 coin is like a bad penny. . . or something like that. It just keeps coming around, despite the fact nobody wants it. It's like the flu of currency.

So, here we are again, in 2007, facing another round of dollar coins, complete with fresh promises that, this time, things will be different. And, just like ex-girlfriends who came back into my life promising they had changed, I simply don't believe you.

Okay, so, maybe no ex-girlfriends ever came back into my life, but I stand by the analogy.